life without Dependence on someone else's opinion

For most of us, with the word "evaluation" there is a strong clamor and fear. And there seems to be nothing painful in the word itself, but we are used to the fact that evaluation is the main instrument of manipulation. Since birth.

The parent "trains" you from childhood, so that you do not dare to decide how to build your life, so that you can be guided by his evaluation. Exclusively from the certainty that this is "good". For you. You were taught that if you are wedded and obedient to the parent (teachers, elders, etc.), then at least you are not scolded. And this is already good, you are almost "happy".

Dependence on someone else's opinion (assessment) is formed because you need to orient yourself and rely on something in the analysis of the situation or situation that is taking shape, and on the basis of all this make a decision. But, unfortunately, such support for you often becomes not your own experience, but a third-party evaluation. As a result, you grow up, getting used to building your life according to other people's opinions. And all this "prescribes" to the deepest layers of your psyche.

Than it threatens?

There are two negative moments here.

Firstly, you can no longer live without assessments and rules without "descended from above" (the parent, the head, the wife, the husband, etc.). And, if there is no external (real) "appraiser", it becomes your inner Parent. Or the voice of your self-condemnation and self-criticism, which your real parent has "successfully" nurtured. And your blind confidence has fixed, that it can not be otherwise. Also became a habit.

And secondly, you begin to depend painfully on positive assessments. You remember that it always MUST please the appraiser.

After all, if you do not please the appraiser (the team of appraisers, which is even worse) - you will become an outcast, "you will die alone and abandoned under the fence." Here it is the root of fear, tightly imprinted with the "code" in your mind. And all because, in the opinion of your parent (appraiser), you are not able to make a single decision without the help of "smart people".

But worst of all, dependence on an external appraiser for you becomes the basic condition for survival. Without them, you are nowhere. After all, any of your thoughts or actions cause a state of strong stiffness, fear sometimes even panic. Especially with the agonizing expectation of "reconciliation" with the appraiser's opinion. Can or can not? Right or wrong? Allow - will not allow?

All. The trap slammed shut. So gradually you are convinced that you yourself do not understand a damn thing in this life and you give your RIGHT to DECIDE to other people - the boss, the wife, etc. The main thing is that they do not scold or punish.

So you are deprived of the right to live on your own, as you want.

Your inner "child" is frightened whenever he needs to cope without the "parent" (appraiser) or at least minimally question his orders and directions.

This, firstly, is scary, because there is no experience, and secondly, it is also fraught with consequences, because for any departure from the requirements of the "appraiser" follows punishment. Therefore - no autonomy, no own opinion, only an orientation to external assessments, and estimates should be only positive. The circle is closed.

How to be?

Independently to solve this task may not be easy, but possible. Let's see together how best to do it.

Do not try to please everyone for a positive evaluation

This is impossible, and unnecessary, and harmful. To begin to remove your dependence on the appraiser, try to distinguish your strong emotions more often, especially in situations where your decision and action is required. Try to more often distinguish between fear, more precisely its manifestation in the form of sensations. Move attention to the strongest sensations in your body. For example, the feet are wadded, or a strong beating in the abdomen, dizzy, etc. And keep your attention as far as possible for as long as possible on the strongest of sensations. At first, attention will jump from sensations to chaotic thoughts. Distinguish and return again attention to the sensation. Just watch it. This practice I call the Return of Attention. There will come a time when the sensation will disappear. You do not have to do anything with it - just watch. His disappearance is the moment of the withdrawal of fear. Now with a cleaner head you can decide what to do next.

Any third-party opinion is just a suggestion of something, a game

The fact of evaluation requires at least 2 participants. Do not be second. And for this you need to listen more closely to yourself: what do I feel now, where I joined in someone else's game suggested by someone? And act as in saying:

- Now I'll give you how!

"I will not take it."

"I will not take it" - do you hear? Those. you are the master - you want to join the proposed "game", if you want - no. The main thing is to be attentive to yourself and not miss the  the right moment. 

 Against logic - not trample
First: make a simple analysis: where else can know you better than you (a), to make an adequate judgment and give a true assessment of your actions?

And the second: why I'm sure (a) that another knows me better than I do?

This knowledge of yourself is very valuable. Gradually it becomes the foundation upon which an adequate idea of oneself, its capabilities and resources is based. It turns out that I - ogogo! I can not do it either. And the feeling of oneself as a person, leaving the blind self-confidence of insignificance, passes into the state of the I-CAN and I have the RIGHT. In passing, replenishing his new skills and skills, making your life rich and interesting.

Good luck to you!