Non-helpful consolation

As I have talked about the events that happened to me, I realize I feel minimalized at times. This is a term I am using because I'm not marginalized and I am not minimized. What I have to say is taken from the big problem I am feeling and made minimal. Some may say "GOOD", but I think it's sometimes inconsiderate.

The phrase specifically driving me to write is "it's not as bad as it could have been" or "it's not as bad as it could be". Is that true? YES! But I can say that's true for almost everything. Perhaps from time to time it is beneficial to remind someone to put things into perspective, but there's a danger here. This phrase can discount the enormity of the problem I am feeling.

((Source of the cuteness))
Let's provide examples. As a single mom, there are times where I make it to the end of the day feeling like I fell, rolled down the mountain, and landed. I survived, but everything hurts inside and out. There are various reasons for this, but at times I want to rant about how much I dislike their father. Mostly how some days it feels like he gets the easier workload by leaving them with me all the time, and not giving me a break. Then there's the 'it could be worse' and I just want to roll my eyes. Yes in many ways it could be much worse, but why are you discounting how I feel about MY situation? That is the frustration.

My son fell (as I wrote about) and it was terrifying. People trying to be supportive were exactly what I needed, but lately I've needed to be able to express exasperation without minimalization. It was terrifying, no one has discounted that, but the injury has not been a walk in the park. I spend a lot of time having to go to appointments now. He is barely using that thumb, it's sensitive (not surprising), and I worry about bigger internal hand issues. The blood vessel popped wide open, and I swear lately it's been turning purple. The added stress of the injury complicates my day. Many times I am looking for affirmation, but what is often presented is 'it could have been worse'. Not for a millisecond do I disagree, but that tosses aside what I am currently experiencing.

((Source Could not resist DW))

Now I say the so what of this snippet. When going through the muck of everyday life we need to celebrate the good times, and we need to work through the bad. Part of working through trouble is understanding how we feel about that bad time/experience/situation/etc, and from there finding the good. When people discount the feeling of bad, it makes it seem like I am making the experience worse than it actually is; rather than just expressing how consuming that emotion is at that moment.

No one should obsess over one emotion, like rage, and that part is the obvious thing. The problem is that society has altogether discouraged feeling the rage in subtle ways like putting it into perspective. There is a time and place to step back from a situation, and to encourage others to do that!

I would discourage people from jumping straight to that point. Feel mad. Feel sad. Feel afraid. Do not let it consume you, but work through it. I feel the bought of rage at my ex, and I use it to push myself at the gym. Literally I burn through it and then I put it into perspective. Why? My feeling is not invalid, and it is mine to own. Coming to the other side of that rage means that I did not shove it aside, I did not insult myself by saying it is not a big deal, and at the end it is gone. So think twice about your consolation that may actually be discounting the struggle another person is experiencing.