Why do I keep falling for men with mental illness?

Why do I keep falling for elephants?

The elephant (in the room) is mental illness. This is a subject that is inherent in my life. Not only in my family lineage but in the people I have had relationships with. In fact, as of late I find it's in a large percentage of the general public I interact with on a daily basis; friends and co-workers.

It all starts at home.
I grew up in a family of artists so that's what was familiar to me. To the outside world we likely were perceived as different. But to me it was everyone else that was different. We were normal.

An art piece by my dad late 60's. This hung on their bedroom wall in Berkeley.

But then during his late twenties my brother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. At first I was in total denial of my brother's diagnosis. He was just copping out, that's all. He just didn't want to be responsible. Yeah, I was wrong. (Took me many years to realize that.)

Then I was told about an estranged cousin that also had schizophrenia. Then later, my cousin's daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. And as of late, my oldest brother claims he has ADHD. Ok, now things are starting to become clear. There's some shit gong on in our family.

All of this reflecting on our family and researching on the various conditions I began to look inward. Looking at my own history. I came to realize that I myself ticked many of the boxes for ADHD.

• easily distracted by noise and peripheral activity or just my own thoughts
• unable to sustain mental focus on things that aren't emotionally engaging
• difficulty staying on task
• get bored easily
• have a multitude of projects going on simultaneously
• difficulty completing these projects
• bad time management
• forgetfulness
• somewhat impulsive
• tendency to hyper-focus, obsess
• a need to be constantly doing something

I also used to feel more symptoms when I was younger. Like inadequacy in school, slow to pick up on things, lack of confidence, felt socially awkward and difficulty connecting with empathy. I felt everyone was smarter than me. Needless to say, I did not graduate high school. I failed social studies of all things.

But there was one thing I excelled at; art. And that was what saved me.

I was very confident in that arena. I had a gift that everyone envied and praised me for. I also had a knack for music. I could pick up and mimic melodies and learn songs by ear. Still do! I guess you call that relative pitch. But when it came to reading music, that was challenging. I just wanted to play and couldn't focus well on learning the music notation. I played the drums and drum music is math and math and I didn't get a long. Everything I did was by feel. But none of these deficits prevented me from doing what I loved. I joined a band in high school and began performing in clubs and even sung backup simultaneously. For several years I played professionally. I toured the US twice and Europe once having played at the Montreux Jazz Festival at 19 years old.

Back to my thing for elephants.

So, when the opposite sex became interesting to me I had a tendency to go for the quiet shy types, the creative moody ones. I guess I could relate to them rather than the star athlete type or the president of the debate club type. It was a wave length I understood. But those types tended to be challenging, too.

age 16 - 1st boyfriend - ADHD, ODD, social anxiety
age 17 - 2nd boyfriend - gay and still in the closet at the time
age 18 - 3rd boyfriend - bipolar, alcoholic, narcissistic personality disorder (both parents committed suicide)
age 24 - 4th boyfriend (1st husband) - depression, alcoholic, sexual addiction (eventually committed suicide)
age 35 - 5th boyfriend - commitment issues, father committed suicide
age 40 - 6th boyfriend (2nd husband) - normal but drank a lot
age 47 - 7th and final boyfriend - same as the first.

Notice a pattern? Every single one had something "wrong" with them with the exception for husband #2. I was just fed up with my failed relationships and went with the opposite of what I was attracted to. I figured, everything else failed, maybe this time it'll work?

Well, I think it all comes down to genetics. Although not formally diagnosed, it's my opinion having studied it and been around a lot of neurosis that my father has ADHD. The distractible type like me. My mom is the rescuer type. Also like me.

Both of my parents lost their father's in accidents. My father's father was killed before he was born, actually. In a careless hunting accident. So, he never knew him. But it's a loss which has impacted his entire life. There's always been a thin veil of sadness surrounding him. A longing for the father he never knew.

My mother on the other hand, knew her father. He was killed having fallen off a farming truck fracturing his skull. In an unconscious effort to heal her own pain she was attracted to my father's. Rescuing the sad, fatherless, child.

I could psychoanalyze my family and my life to death but the fact remains; we go with what we know.

My first boyfriend who is now my last boyfriend has ADHD. I'm following my parent's example. I was attracted to him as he had an underlying sadness (like my dad), was really smart (like my dad) but also a delinquent (NOT like my dad). I didn't know he was a delinquent at the time until he was thrown into juvenile hall. I still have the letter he sent me. And it breaks my heart every time to read it. And now 30 years later I am rescuing him, literally.

So now you know why I keep falling for the elephant in the room. It's in my genes. Not very romantic but there is a happy ending. This time the rescue mission won't fail.