Mini Motivation #106 - The People Closest to You Often Cuts the Deepest Wounds

maverickfoo (67)in #psychology • 7 years ago

Trust in relationships is a fragile thing. Over the years, I make it a point to always be the first to trust, and if the trust is broken, I look for ways to trust again. Of course, the number of times trust is given to a person depends very much on who the person is to me. A stranger can get the better of me once, but loved ones, I told myself, deserved many more chances.

Because of that, those that had been burned deeply by the fires of relationships, would know the pain of having their trust being taken for granted, especially when it's someone close to heart. A cut of betrayal, a punch of anger, a kick of stupidity, they all hurt, and while we're in our caves licking our wounds, the thought of "never again" crosses the mind. It's not a bad thought, really, even if it's towards a loved one or a spouse. It's essentially the subconscious mind's way to protecting us from the emotional pain.

But the fact that we acknowledge that they are our loved ones meant, despite the feeling of betrayal, bitterness and quiet depression, we try to forgive, hoping that it will not happen again. We are not ready to call it quits in the relationship, and we say to ourselves things like "They are family", or "How can I ever find another one who loves me like he/she did?", or "Maybe he/she was just having a bad day."

Justifications? Yes, mostly out of fear and the mindset of scarcity.

So where do we move on from here, Mav? This post is supposed to be motivational, right? Where're the usual strategies, or tips, or coaching questions?

Frankly, I'm stuck too. The wounds are still fresh, probably not having enough time to heal. But I did learn of the power of forgiveness, and how it can release the bulk of the weight off your shoulders. And it's not just forgiveness in the mind, but face-to-face, or at least over a phone call. Verbalizing forgiveness is much harder than you think, but the liberating feeling that comes after it helps you heal much better.

This is probably a topic I shall revisit in the future, as I gather a bigger, better bag of strategies. Until then, verbalize your forgiveness. That's what I'm counting on.

Mini Motivation is my own daily strategy to inspire myself. Mostly 3-minute reads.

From Motivation, we gain Inspiration. From Inspiration, we achieve Momentum. And the rest, they say, is history.

Hope it helps nudge you a bit too in the right direction.

Oh it did? Let me know in the comments, and of course an upvote would be a nice motivation for me. :)

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7 years ago in #psychology by maverickfoo (67)

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grow-up (34) 7 years ago

nice article friend

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pleasestop (51) 7 years ago (edited)

Please Stop

In your your last 100 comments you used 37 phrases considered to be spam. You've received 4 flags and you may see more on comments like these. These comments are the reason why your Steem Sincerity API classification scores are Spam: 84.00% and Bot: 2.30%

Please stop making comments like this and read the ways to avoid @pleasestop and earn the support of the community.

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robertandrew (67) 7 years ago

Thanks Mav @maverickfoo. If you take the high road of Forgiving well ,imo, that a wonderful gift to to give to yourself. Just think about that. It puts the Power back in your 'court' !

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maverickfoo (67) 7 years ago

Not so much about power, but yeah, many great coaches I know stress that I should take the high road whenever possible, because it's an exercise of choice.

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jassicania (58) 7 years ago (edited)

If I may share a thing or two, in Family Constellation, the thing with forgiveness is, oftentimes, it puts us in a position where we are a little "bigger" than the other person we are dealing with which puts us out of balance. And in every relationship or connection, there needs to be a balance in the reciprocity in energy - given balance is like, the inherent nature of the Universe.

More and more so nowadays, in the spiritual circle, we are beginning to hear about Forgiveness, and actually how it is not necessary. And there are a few reasons to that:

One, is the balance of energy within 2 people.
So, if someone has broken your trust, he/she will need to balance out this energy somehow either by "repaying" in kind with you, or acknowledging his/her mistake. It is very likely that if an apology is not given or mistake acknowledged by this person, you will likely feel something is amiss in the connection with him/her.

Two: In the bigger scheme of things, we are all really wired/geared to conduct ourselves in a certain way, and oftentimes, we think we are in control but we really aren't. The only time when we begin to be in control, is when we realize we are not - when we awaken.

Given all of us are made up of a set of genes which are not within our control, family environmental matters, traditions, cultures, and then there are bigger environmental factors, we are very often "influenced" or conditioned to act in a certain way which we are unconscious/unaware of. And again, the only time when we become "awakened" from that controlling factors, is when we become aware - and even so, alot of us practicing this way of life find ourselves being "human" with all this bombardment of emotions that are seemingly out of our control. Yet, it is there. The pain, the hurt and the anger. Sometimes we manage it, other times, we don't,. So now what?

This goes back to the topic of Forgiveness - what truly is there to forgive - When most of us live our lives unaware and unconscious. Can we truly fault those of us who are unaware? That's why Neale Donald Walsch said something along the lines of , "a conscious human being will not do anything to hurt anyone else." Everything is done out of a form of Love.

It doesn't mean these unconscious people don't hurt us, it doesn't mean we agree with this people. It sure as hell doesn't mean we allow them to do shitty things to us - and "forgive" them. No, that doesn't work either for the balance of the cosmos. That's why it is so important for those of us living our truths to stand up to these situations, not in a reactive way, but just doing so firmly, IF we can, where we can.

The most important thing , in the context of forgiveness, is the acknowledgement of what has been done, the pain that has been caused, the feelings of betrayal, of hurt. What has been done, is done. Forgiveness puts us in a place of needing to become "benevolent" and "kind" when sometimes the situations actually don't warrant it, and deep down inside, our inner truth is, we don't feel we can forgive.

But acknowledging what has been done, and acknowledging the "stupid" mistake, even acknowledging that we can't seem to be "okay" with what happened, now, there is actually a different energy to that.. Once acknowledgement happens, a form of reconciliation begin to happen. That's when real healing begins.. That's when we can really begin to let go.. even though not completely, but in some little way that our souls can process.

@maverickfoo

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maverickfoo (67) 7 years ago

Wow, @jassicania, you talked about imbalance, but girl, the comment is longer than my post! Now we're definitely off balance now!

But I know you share from a special place, and this is a topic close to your heart as well. While many can read about it, nothing beats experiencing the emotion, and having the opportunity to demonstrate the gesture first hand.

I agree as well that sometimes forgiveness has become a societal norm, only for the little issues, though. Like bumping into someone in the corridor, or mistakenly calling someone’s name. That’s a light sorry, a gesture of polite. Having said that, there are still fellow human beings who fail at that, but let’s let their rudeness be the content for another day.

However, when it comes to deeper cuts - words that sent someone to tears, sins that breach a sacred trust, actions that shove love down the drain and flushed twice - someone sorry become the hardest thing to say. Could it be because ego is involved, that during the process of justifying the act, we took things a little to personally, or perhaps even out of proportion? We may try to say that we were hurt too, and it was a response, rather than a reaction.

That too, I realised, is content for another post (see what I’m trying to do to game the system?)

I guess my real respond when I read your comment, or at least the passing thought, is that if we believe that all of us are one, then the act for forgiveness is not to pardon others, but rather, ourselves. There are many wrongs done to us in our lives, and yet, sometimes we place more weight on a selected few. Were we trying to extort something from the guilty party, or chalk up a “you-owe-up-one” on an imaginary score board, or just simply adding significance to incidents that frankly, were small matters. In the act of forgiving the other party, the moment we verbalise the words, like you said, we acknowledged our pain, our triggers and our reaction. We then become aware the next time we unconsciously built up a wall of defence, or try to ensure why putting up a smile, or before we lash out even. Goes back to ABC - Awareness Before Change.

If we truly love the other person, letting them know that they have hurt us, and being first to extend the forgiveness, may open up points of vulnerability, but at the same time, deepen the relationship through meaningful conversation. Should the other party exploit our vulnerability, then perhaps we need to uncover the motivations behind their actions. People are only as resourceful as the states they are in, and hurting people hurt others. And that, too, is indeed a post of it’s own for another day.

Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter. Truly appreciate it.

ps. Your comment is 628 words long, my article is 381, and this comment is about 470. Let’s call it even? :)

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jassicania (58) 7 years ago

I feel uber duper sheepish hahahaa, but hey thanks for entertaining my comment.

Ok on my thoughts on the ego part - us justifying the act of hurting others - personally for me, I feel that the fact that we do lash out is really our own personal reaction to pain. I feel that sometimes it would help if we can all see that all of us are in pain - of some form. It helps in relationships for sure. We become less reactive, and respond more out of love.

And of course, forgiving another, just the act of it helps our own acknowledgement for sure. :)

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maverickfoo (67) 7 years ago

To separate ego from a person, is no easy feat. Rather than fearing it and it's repercussions, I guess acceptance and awareness (been repeating that word a lot), is much easier.

Life's funny that way. Sometimes we see a crack on the wall, and we would bang, drill and hack a hole out of it, just to get to the other side. But if we just take a few steps back, and maybe a few to the side, we will see that we can easily go around the wall.

Ego is that crack on the wall. Taking a step back gives us the bigger picture. Going around the wall means acknowledging ego is there still, but merely finding a better way to work with it. Heck, one of my coaches, Dave Rogers, would even ask me to dance with it!

Thanks for entertaining/dancing with my comment too :)

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