53 Dating Tips for the Introverted Dude (Part 1 of 3)
INTRODUCTION
This long-ass piece goes out to all the single, introverted guys out there.
Why single? Seriously, this piece is NOT for you if you're in a relationship. Here, watch this cat wrestling video instead, and f*ck off.
Why introverted? Because I am one*, and I realised that many of the tips out there works better for extroverted men. I also observed many of my single introverted friends do have the girls of their dreams on their radar, but just don't know how to make the first move. Yeah, I know dating can be dauntingly overwhelming for some guys, and I feel the same too, especially after my divorce. Low confidence, hopeless piece of crap, feeling like a failure just didn't help, so combined with my introvertedness, I was a mess. But I was lucky to have friends helping me out.
*If you know me in real life and don't believe I'm an introvert, then sorry to disappoint, but I am one. Maybe I just fooled you with my act?
Why guys? Well, girl, I wish I can help you with some tips, but let's just say hopefully by the end of these 53 tips, you will have Mr. Right making the right moves into your heart. Of course, I'm not gonna stop you from reading the tips (and screen them for sleaziness), and I would even welcome your feedback in the comment below.
Oh yeah, no one tip is in sequence of another (unless specified), neither one trumps another too. Pick one that is comfortable for you, and take action. I can give you 4867 more, but until you take action, it ain't gonna help you. At. All.
#1. Respect the girl.
And this I really mean it, because this is not a guide to help you pick up chicks for one night stand. This is for those who wants to have a fulfilling relationship with another girl, maybe it be as a companion, a best friend, or perhaps someone you may even want to marry one day (but please, don't tell her that on the first date.)
So, if you're looking for a fast f*ck, go read something else, and I don't even want your upvote. #dick
#2. Not all girls are the same.
This is to prevent you from entering the first date with pre-judgements. Sure, there are certain characteristics that you can expect, but avoid putting them into boxes and labelling them. Nobody likes that.
#3. Identify at least five topic areas that you are genuinely interested in.
As an introvert, I'm gonna assume impromptu speaking is not your strong suit, so as much as possible, try not to wing it. Pick five areas of interest that you can really talk about, and ideally (although not compulsory) there are things are girls will enjoy listening about to. Travel, food, books, nature, music, creative works, social issues, social psychology, philosophy (be mindful that not all girls are deep conversationists though) are some that I can think of, but feel free to explore.
Oh yeah, if sports and boardgames are your thing, don't rule them out. You'll never know that the girl may actually secretly be a fan.
#4. Know your strengths, and play by your strengths.
Just like not all girls are the same, you and other dudes are not build the same too. Identify your strengths, and it's not about asking you to brag about it. Rather, demonstrate it. If music is your thing, don't be afraid to pick up the guitar or sit down at the piano and play a couple of tunes. If poetry is your thing, write a few lines for her on a napkin. If mentalist is your thing, play it with her friends (and not her first. Check tip #41.)
#5. Ask good questions.
"Did you like your salad?" Bad question, because it's a Close-Ended question, which usually gives you Yes, No, or Okay…
"I noticed that you went for your salad first before anything else. Is there are reason for that?" Now, that's an Open-Ended Question, which stimulates conversation. Plus, telling her that you notice her action/behaviour is a good thing, because girls generally like guys who are attentive to details. Just don't go crazy batshit stalker mode please. Even I would bitch-slap you if you do that.
Side note: Girls that are more introspective enjoys philosophical questions more than girls that are, well, "surface". Let's face it, some girls like to talk more about shopping than their dreams, food than their future, and that bitch-at-work than their inner thoughts. And I'll admit, because I'm geared towards women who are more insightful, I can't really share much on the other. One is not better than the other; it's just a matter of preference.
#6. Shut the f8ck up!
After asking the question, shut the f8ck up! Yes, I just need to repeat that.
Allow her time to think and structure her response, because please know that the girl could be just as nervous as you. There's no need to give her prompts; respect her time that she takes to give you a good answer to your good question.
#7. Get comfortable with awkward silences.
About shutting up and keeping quiet, get comfortable with it. Sometimes the girl just want to be quiet with her thoughts and observation for a while, and you can just look out and get into your thoughtful mode too. Usually, she will be the one asking what you're thinking about, which is a great opportunity for you to share your thoughts at the moment.
#8. Be Helpful. Be Honest. Be Humble.
Helpfulness is good, because you are adding value to her. If she mentioned that she needed something, get it for her. If she mentioned about certain challenges she has, Google some stuff and send to her.
Honesty is the best policy, so even if you are trying to score her, you don't need to patronise her. Just be truthful about your emotions and words, and she will respect you for that.
Humble, well, because nobody likes a dick. Period.
#9. Introvert doesn’t mean no confidence.
Introverted dudes are generally more reserved, in touch with their feelings and thoughtful, so when you compare yourself with your extroverted friends, don't think for a second that they are more confident than you. Self-confidence is going to lead you to becoming charismatic, so be sure of your abilities, your strengths and your accomplishments. Girls like the man she's going out with to have a spine.
#10. Don't be afraid to make a stand on things you believe in.
Having a spine also means you will voice out on causes and believes you stand for. If you disagree with something, don't start an argument by all means, nor get defensive. Make use of your thoughtfulness and tactfulness to state your argument in a peaceful way. Keep emotions out of it, and cite facts, research and results. Also, know that the girl, just like you and everybody else, is entitled to her own opinion. Respect that, and use your innate ability to sense tension to know when to back off.
#11. Don’t tell a joke, but use humour.
Please, don't ever start with "Let me tell you a joke", because when you tell it and she doesn't laugh, you'll become the joke.
Telling a joke can be stressful, especially if you're not sure if people will get your punchline. Instead, choose to tell stories, and if the girl laughs at it, then it's a joke. If not, it's just a story.
Being humorous means being able to laugh at things, especially yourself, and girls usually like guys who have a good sense of it.
#12. Pick your Bond girl
You know how James never fail to draw attention of every one in the room, especially the ladies, if she's with the girl? It's the law of natural selection, really.
Here's how it works: If you go up to the girl on your own, she will feel see you as less attractive. But the moment you ask your hot girl friend (who may have friend zoned you years ago) to enter the club with you and hang around you, that same girl that you like, psychologically will find you more attractive.
It's simple: your hot girl friend just elevates your value as a male, and that's attractive. It's based on Darwin's law, the more desirable one person is, the more datable he becomes.
#13. Get an extroverted wingman.
Failing to get a hot girl friend, you can always solicit help from a good friend who's an extrovert. Get him to make the first move to start a conversation, and use the classic Barney Stinson move of "Have you met [Insert your name here]?"
#14. Watch that chat length.
Chances are before your meet up, you'll be chatting with your dream girl on the phone, usually by text. Here's where you need to be mindful, because the moment your floodgate opens, you may tends to chat endlessly. Now, while it's good to share you feelings and thoughts, but on her screen as she scroll backwards, she may take your heavy amount of text as talkative or needy.
However, when she sees that her texts are more than yours, she will feel:
- She is comfortable talking to you.
- She needs to get you to talk more because she's talking to much about herself.
Many girls will deny this, but try it out.
Extra tip: make sure she's the last one to drop the last text to end of conversation. Psychologically, it will open a loop in her mind that the conversation hasn't ended yet (since she got no "closure") from you.
#15. Go beyond looks, and aim for connection.
Men are men, so it's natural for us to be attracted to a girl for her looks, especially in the initial stages. However, for the long term game, try to find a strong bond or connection, because while there are tons of Korean plastic surgeons around, eventually you will find the prettiness fade.
What stays, however, is her beauty, and that's what you need to connect with.
#16. Manage your expectations.
Before any dates, you will have your fantasies (and no, if I know you being the introverted dude that you are, it's hardly sexual) on how the encounter will turn out. Learn how to manage that expectations, because there are many things that you cannot control. You may want the date to never end, and even planned surprises, but do know that she may have her own expectations of the date, and you need to respect that.
Get prepared, but don't get pushy.
Ok, this is the end of Part 1 of this 3-part series.
WTF Mav! Three parts?!?! Hey, it's over 6,299 words, and we've not even a quarter through the list!
Chill, you've been single for a while, you can go through the 16 total, and probably wait another 24 hours for the next load of tips.
Oh hey, here's the link to part two.
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The awkward silence is only awkward if one thinks so. Over the years I realized that people tend to be a lot more happier when I can pick things up to help them instead of them having to tell me. That is why I been doing well in my profession. Now if only I can do this with my wife. Last night I got yelled at for hiccuping too loud. Oh how my life seems so fulfilled with love haha.
That's you being attentive, bro!
That's hick-upping? If it's something sexual and between your wife, than it's ok...:)
I think he meant hiccuping ? Lol
corrected. thanks.
Let me drop some gold here to show my appreciation for this post:
introverts are boss at day game and at one-on-one, or small groups from three to five people. Planning your social life around this is the right way to go.
Get a handle on the different cognitive functions you prefer ( mbti ) for instance I am am ENTP. This means I have introverted thinking and introverted sensing to support my extraverted Intuition and extraverted feeling. Knowing. Specifically get a grip on your supporting function, in my case it is Introverted thinking and my path to growth is becoming very specific with my logic since I build my own school of thought as I go along , which is a horrible roller coaster when I have shit ideas in that system of thought.
determine whether you have an internal frame of reference or an external frame of reference. The difference in these two is where you gain your validation about your performance, either is fine. If external you have to choose your advisors very carefully, by getting the way they think and how they align with yourself interest/values and beliefs. If internal make peace with the fact that you are a lone wolf, and focus on developing the standards you hold yourself to into a mature and compelling set of criterion and do not forget to hold other people to that standard as well.
Find a way to love yourself, for instance take time out everyday to get lost in some music by putting on some really good headphones, or whatever else takes you into your internal world, while making sure that the state it illicits is one where you feel a warmth in your stomach and your chest, preferably putting a stupid grin on your face
Keep looking for things in this vein as well, being an introvert means that the greatest value you have to bring to the world is orientated towards your internal world, you have to draw your energy and your motivation from your internal space. Keep that place clean and be kind to yourself. There is one thing women cannot resist and that it a humble man who knows his limits.
This is a show of strength, not a reinforcement of what is weak within you. I am argumentative, and my silver tongue has gotten me into as much trouble as it has gotten me out of. I know my nature.
This is very important, because confidence boils down to trust, and self confidence has to do with the things that you can trust in yourself. There is no better foundation than your integrity, and this brings us full circle back to one of my favourite topics: Stoicism
If there is one formula I can give you it would be taking up the mantle of stoicism. And if you do remember the Zen idea of not stinking of Zen. Do not become consumed by your ideas until they possess you.
Own your ideas, and weild them with skill. Competency breads integrity and integrity breeds trust which builds self confidence.
Wow, that's great pieces of wisdom there, @damion-m. Thanks for the share.
I think your approach of understanding oneself and playing by your own strengths is the right way to go, especially for someone who may have an external frame of reference. Sure, it's good to have feedback, but truth is, we still have to make the decision at the end, and girls appreciate a man that can carry our his decisions on his own. (then again, this could be assumption too)
No, Bro. You are absolutely on the money. It is not only women that appreciate a good follow through rate on decisions. This is a leadership trait when it is taken to it's natural ends and it becomes one of the most valuable pieces of the equation once you align all the other parts of this effort together.
My reasoning for suggesting that one should vet the feedback from others is that you only surround yourself with a high quality group of advisors. This applies to everybody, but especially to a person with an external frame of reference since such a person is susceptible to harsh criticism.
While having an internal frame of reference may allow me to be nearly immune to feedback since I am my own standard I have the problem on not getting enough feedback to calibrate to what is going on around me. From what I can remember about what I was taught about frames of reference is that changing them is way too much effort, and what these frames influence is your personal style. It is better to accept it as it is and mitigate some of the obvious downsides through some practices
ps. It has been awhile since I have dived into this, and it was fun. You can hit me up on the discord server of VOTU if you want to discuss it some more. At one stage I buried myself so deep into this that I could probably speak about it non-stop for two days
Looks like you had been perfecting the craft! Yes, I will look you up at Discord. :)
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For once I didn't feel this is a 6000+ words post. Great tips...
@zord189 😉 gambatte ne! 💪
Why are you reading this, @elizacheng? Supporting @zord189? Haha.
6k plus over three parts lar...
Yeah you’ve got spine alright. Pretty thick one too hehe @maverickfoo #melike
Spine what?
i might add my own nasty Eagle comment which would be introvert doesn't matter to a woman if the man can F. since you used the term freely, i will refrain from saying it too much, but yeah if the man can F you are golden man!!!
:p
Well, one day when we're old, and the plumbing downstairs don't work as well anymore, I think that's where having a best friend to talk to really counts.
of course! i was just refering to the “introvert” part. women any type of man if they... you know ... need i say? 🤣🤣🤣
I'm already in a relationship with food, and I'm not a cheater.
refer to cat video ... LOL
did you notice i didn't say F off?
How polite :)
IKR! 🤣🤣🤣
Haha! That's a good one. Up high!
Haha loved the cats. Thanks bro
And thanks for the honesty! :)
Maybe I should use some of these tips!
I think "Get comfortable with awkward silences" is great advice for ALL kinds of communication, both with dating and even with business or just friends. Sometimes somebody says something so dumb and its best to just not respond for a minute and let them say something else lol.
Haha, that's you being polite!
Very handy for those unsure of the best way to approach or talk to girls while dating, also helps if you get some experience and adapt when you notice things that are good or bad that you did during.
My better half @deborism mentioned that if I had left it as one long piece, it would be the Whitepaper to Dating :)