As a child I was abused by both of my parents. And as an adult I have sometimes unconsciously repeated those relationship patterns by befriending some people who didn't care about me; but only cared about what they could take from me.

Freud called this the 'compulsion to repeat'. This is an unconscious desire to recreate the circumstances of a childhood trauma and to heal it by changing the outcome. The problem with this psychological mechanism is that by setting up the same circumstances, we often create the same outcome.

I found myself recently in a relationship with an abusive person who in many ways was a reflection of my mother. Her repeated emotional abuse of me was often followed by apologies and promises that she had become more aware and would not repeat this abuse again.

But the abuse kept repeating.

Just as my mother would beat me unconscious as a child, then later hold me while I cried; I found myself in a relationship with someone who, emotionally, did the same. At first, I was confused about what was going on. I didn't have the language to express what was happening to me. Then I discovered a psychological term for the behaviour patterns I was being subjected to:

What is narcissism?

I am not a fan of labelling people as Narcissists, since I feel that labelling a person is itself an act of disempowerment; in its own way abusive. However, it has been very useful to me to identify a cluster of behaviour patterns that are toxic to be around. These are the same behaviour patterns that my mother exhibited.

To summarise: A person acting narcissistically will look for their sense of self and value by attacking a person and then 'feeding' off the emotional reaction of that person. Mythologically, this is a similar dynamic to a vampire.

A vampire takes love; but never gives love. Those the vampire bites will often turn into vampires themselves; doing the abuser's bidding.

This video saved my life:

How to escape a person who abuses you

The main piece of advice given to people who are experiencing narcissistic abuse is to break contact totally with the abuser. This, initially, was hard for me, because beneath the pain of being abused was a deep trauma-bond that had its origins in childhood. My abuser was aware of the love I felt towards her, and used this love to manipulate me and others around me:

One of the most complex things about this form of abuse is that it is so common. Many other people had parents who exhibited narcissistic behaviour, so they will not see your abuser for who they are. They may even support the abuser; because they have never faced the truth of their own mother and/or father's behaviour and how it effected them. They will also join the abuser if they choose to embark on a 'smear campaign':

The abuser's smear campaign is actually a gift. It allows you to discover who really sees and loves you. Although the experience is frustrating, for me it has been a wonderful opportunity to break contact with other people surrounding my abuser who have narcissistic traits, or are unaware that they are being manipulated.

I am happy to be free of these unconscious people. In a way, the abuser helped me clear my house by showing me which other friendships were holding me back. I wish these people well; but I have no interest in them now. They have their own healing to do.

Those who behave narcissistically are often surrounded by people who are vulnerable and empathic. They may support the abuser, because they have been manipulated to do so. But they are also simply food for the abuser.

Sadly, the abuser is herself in an awful position: Because she has not faced the full extent of her 'training' as an abuser by those who abused her in childhood, she blindly repeats their behaviour patterns. She needs love and support, but can never find it because she thinks love is something to take; not something to give. Instead, seeking power substitutes itself for love and she seeks admiration and control.

Don't start defending yourself

The abusive person behaving in a narcissistic way will provoke you to defend yourself. But, as the video above asks: "Do you want to be right; or do you want to be happy?"

Personally, I choose happy. And that means stopping all contact. I am also aware that this is not just a break from this person in the present, but a break with my original abusers: Those who were around me as a child.

I choose freedom.

After unconsciously playing this horrible game with abusers enough times, I have, like the computer in War Games, learned that the only way to win is not to play the game:

Goodbye Steemit and Hello Steemit

Because my abuser is aware that I write here, and because I want to totally break contact in all forms, even if it is one-way communication, I have decided to stop posting on this account and create a new one.

I am aware that all abusers were once abused themselves. So I no longer have any anger over this experience. I am glad to have learned so much, and woken up so quickly. I hope my abuser finds love and connection by fully confronting her past and understanding where her patterns of behaviour began.

I will emerge again in a new form on Steemit, because I love it here. You won't know it is me, but I'll be twice as bright and I'll keep speaking out to change the world. See you all on the other side.