Sense of humor and understanding narcissists... pt4
Narcissists can teach their children many things - good and bad.
For example,practical, worldly things - such as changing a plug on an appliance, or a tire on a car.
They can also teach you how to distrust ,and loath, yourself.
This is intrinsically part of the narcissists 'teachings' as a parent.
Dominance and control is the constant, both in the overt and cover narcissist, and while it may appear in varying degrees, it really isn’t.
It’s only by degree of subtlety and dependent on the IQ of the individual.
ALL Narcissists take life much, much too seriously.
They have to.
They are so tightly wound trying to maintain control of their world all the time,
laughter and humor do not really have a place that fits into it.
The act of uncontrollable laughter is a voluntary act of giving up self control even if only temporarily.
The very act of laughing uncontrollably - to the narcissist would actually cause real anxiety.
You cannot laugh and be in state of anxiety, simultaneously.
It’s no wonder they can never really laugh.
Conversely, the covert or overt narcissist, will find criticism in people that do express a sense of humor.
It makes them uncomfortable.
It reminds them of what they know they are not.
(a well adjusted human being).
Resentment and envy, no matter how well concealed, will always show themselves to you, if you’re taking a good long look at someone who you've suspicions about.
To the narcissist, humor will be seen, and labelled, as ‘toxic’, ‘silly’, ‘stupid’....because it is!
To them.
This constant fear of exposure leads to never truly ‘letting go’.
Some studies show that many narcissist do not drink in public.
(A fear of the loss of control - exposure).
Drinking behind closed doors, however - in a ‘safe space’, and away from exposure - is commonplace.
This behavior has been identified in narcissists of both the overt, and the covert, types.
As the child of a narcissist, you’re brought up with the certain kind of perspective - of ‘ there’s a right way for life to be lived, and everything else is the wrong way'.
The 'right way' being the narcissist’s way. (obviously).
Have you ever noticed if you're around a narcissists- how that everything must be done exactly their way.?
Dishes have to be washed their way.
Cars have to be washed their way.
‘A place for everything, and everything in its place’.
(And never forget that people are merely ‘things’ to the narcissist).
The narcissists insists on perfection. (OCD type of traits)
The lawn has to be mowed the same way,stripes an' all!
Nothing less than perfection is expected every time - and if you don't 'live upto their expectations'? - expect sulking, anger, passive aggression, and retribution in some way.
Maybe not then, maybe not tomorrow – but they will keep a mental note of any perceived ‘wrong-doings’ against them.
And they will try to make you pay for not playing their game with their rules.
Why so much anger?
So much 'perfectionism?'
Control.
Over you.
(you are their ‘thing’, not a person - no matter how it appears).
Creativity, fresh ideas, originality, or quirkiness - have no place in the narcissists mind.
These things make them uncomfortable.
Things with any elements of unpredictable, like creativity (uncontrollable) creates anxiety.
In one of my previous posts, I touched upon how the attempts of being creative (within the narcissists mind), had a tendency to be dark and foreboding – which is merely an external expression of the inner space that they inhabit.
Creativity may very well be a mimicry skill, and not an intrinsic one, to a narcissistic.
Interestingly, a study into psychopathy many years ago, noted a distinct inability to create.
They seemed to have a blind spot to the very act of creating anything original..
(for example – In my war gaming hobbies - I create and build houses from scratch – from my own imagination. Building a house from a pre-bought kit is not creating – but an act mimicry + intellect).
The narcissist (or psychopath ) are the the absolute experts in mimicry, while possessing no true originality of their own.
....I pointed out how they were ‘as dull as dishwater’ in my last post.
***NOT all narcissists are psychopaths – but all psychopath’s are most definitely narcissists.
They act and talk like they have the monopoly on ‘the right way is my way’ - because - in their own ultra fragile psyche, this HAS to be the case.
I have no data or evidence to support this, but I could well imagine that there might be a correlation between people suffering from total psychotic breaks, and the overt/covert narcissist.
If the image that they are trying to project into the world crumbles into dust right before their eyes, in some dramatic event (thus fully exposed) - then I see it as a 'more than a reasonable hypothesis' that they may very well be the candidates for those individuals who ‘just snap’ and , quite literally, fall apart, with their ultra fragile psyche having been shattered into a million pieces.
No matter how they project out into the world , they're always a hairs width away from totally breaking down.
i.e. - They are 'uber' fragile inside.
This insistence of ‘their way is the right only way’ makes learning how to do things your way as child, difficult.
And as for being creative?
You will be criticized and mocked for expressing your originality.
The knock on effect of this for children growing into adulthood can be low self esteem, a lack of belief in your own abilities, chronic indecision issues, and simply just not trusting yourself.
A meander....
I’ve written a few post previously on the applications of the world ‘should’ and how it can be used to project a guilt complex onto others just by using this word.
I think there maybe direct correlation between people I have identified as narcissistic ( overt and covert), and the use of this word.
Both in writing materials and verbal expressions.
Think about it in context of the narcissists you are aware of, or have your suspicions about.
Observe.
Everyone 'should' behave as ‘I’ tell them.
They ‘should' adopt the same views I have. (with the inference being that if they don’t, they are, somehow, ‘doing something wrong’.
The narcissist’s constant standpoint is that people must be controlled, manipulated, shamed - and forced - into being exactly how the narcissist wants them to be.
‘Should’ – Very possibly the favorite word of the narcissist. ( ‘I’ coming in very close behind).
They don’t just use 'should' on other people (it's a very subtle form of mental manipulation over longer time spans).
They use it on themselves lots too.
‘I should have’ ‘what I should be doing is…’
‘I shouldn’t really be eating/drinking this’…
The narcissist is a raging ball of shame and guilt.
Of course they will beat themselves up.
It’s their favorite pastime – but notice how the self criticisms that they decide show to the world (and a covert narcissists tactic , to exhibit the pretense of ‘vulnerability’ and ‘sensitivity’ to the audience), are nothing of real importance.
‘Beating them at their own game’ is an exercise in futility.
Ask anyone, ever, that’s tried it.
It fails (ask me if you like, I have numerous scars to prove it)
Mind Games Don’t Work.
Don’t Play Them.
Instead, ask yourself “What can I change?”.
You CANNOT change them.
(some research has suggested that they can be changed – but I’m skeptical).
I think it’s the narcissist playing games to convince the researchers that they have changed.
Your gut instinct may be to play mind games – from a caring viewpoint, not a manipulative one - to try and change them,
by showing them where they are ‘out of kilter’.
...It’s an exercise in futility, and gives them control of you - once more.
For the narcissist – there has to be a “ a strategy”. For everything.
Spontaneity can actually makes them anxious and uncomfortable. (it’s a creative, uncontrolled expression of living in ‘the now’ – more of that later...)
REMEMBER - Don’t beat yourself up for getting it wrong about someone - We ALL have!
It’s unfair -to yourself- to judge a decision that you made based on the data you had before you realized the truth of things.
The narcissist is an expert in giving you the data that they want to give you, to satisfy your questions and curiosities..
So don't beat yourself up - because the person that you are now, isn’t the same person as yesterday.
The information you have today is more than what was available to you yesterday.
Do you beat yourself up for a wrong decision that you made 25 years ago? No, it’s silly.
You were a different person.
Act accordingly.
Today.
A person that seemed like a blessing five years ago, is shown to be a toxic narcissist today.
We’re allowed to change - even if it’s something that the typical narcissist’s detests.
They ‘re on their own hamster wheel, and want everyone else to join them to - You ‘should’ want to!!!! lol
Narcissists’ don’t grow, change - they just pretend to.
Inside, they will always be the scared child, terrified of being left alone.
If you feel like you have to impress someone - get them out of your life.
I remember feeling the stress involved, before my nan ever came over. (I never understood it, but I felt it)
Our house was always pretty clean and tidy, but if my narcissistic Granny was due, 'trying to impress' lunacy went into overdrive
….Yeah... my moms side of the family was a veritable den (hive?) of narcissists.
I could never 'get' that need to impress. (image is everything).
QUESTION:
Why would you you want that kind of person in your life?
Codependency, possibly.
'Codependency' individuals and 'narcissistic' individuals have a very interesting relationship (I'll do some posts on 'codependency' soon - as they tie into narcissism quite a lot).
I saw, firsthand the 'bending over backwards' to impress.
To act.
To lie.
To play stupid.
Fuck that.
(...is it any wonder that I was seen as 'the black sheep' by 90% of my 'family'?).
A Sense of Humor is important.
“Give a boy a sense of humor and a sense of proportion, and he’ll stand up to anything.”
We really need a huge dose of humor because we, as humans, are worthy targets of being laughed at.
We need To be able to poke fun at life to be mentally healthy.
Which means that we have to be able to laugh at ourselves - and each other.
You won’t find the overt or covert narcissist , partaking in those kind of activities.
Don’t forget – they may be incredibly good at the day-to-day running of life, but they miss the 'authentic participation' in life itself.
They’re too busy being persecuted and inhabiting the world of perpetual victim mentality to ever truly participate.
The lights are on, sure - for everyone to see - but somewhere deep down – there's place that the lights can never reach.
And that’s just the way they want it.
