Shyness Fearful Ego

Do you know what my biggest, gut wrenching fear is? The kind that twists my insides and fills me with the deepest of dread? (No, of course not! What the hell am I thinking? Random people knowing my stuff...) Sharing my opinions, expressing myself and all around talking in general always gets my panties in a wad. That thing that is such a norm in our society of social media, where people are free to share all their thoughts (ALL of them...) and... pictures of what they are eating, even to the annoyance of some. For something that is an accepted norm, even a necessity to, growth between people, be it a relationship, country or a species as a whole; why is it so darn hard for me? Where would we be without the ability to communicate and share ideas and experiences?

If is funny, this fear, of which is such a normal thing for the majority. Considering some of the things I have done with life that baffles other people.

• Joining the Marine Corp. infantry in high school and doing my two tours in Iraq. (Not too crazy.)

• Taking an abundance of different pill’s and usually mixing it with alcohol. This I did quite a bit for quite some time, and having 2 overdose hospitalizations to go with it. (Getting there, but this is becoming more of a norm.)

• Rock climbing cliffs and water falls with no rope or, really, even having any experience. Nothing crazy but enough that if I were to take a tumble, I would not be enjoying my life as I know it or, you know, at all.

• Leaving my job, relationship, selling or repoing my car and up and leaving to far off places with no idea of what or how I was going to get by. And taking very little money with me but having faith that, somehow, things will work out. All because of an overpowering feeling telling me to “Go here!”. And doing this not once, nor twice but thrice!

Why though? I have learned and experienced a lot through these things and I know that “knowledge not shared, is knowledge wasted.” I could list of a slew of childhood experiences that may (most likely) have contributed to my mild insanity. But I am not going to, nosy!

I have read just recently from a book called “The Secret of the Shadow”, and in their it says something along the lines of when we are born we are free. Free to truly BE. But something happens along the way that tells us that being free and truly expressive is bad. We are taught that we need censorship over our selves. And this becomes ingrained in us to such a point that we actually come to live our lives as the OPPOSITE of who we really are. To create such a mask for our self-identity to protect itself as to become the complete OPPOSITE of are truth. Which is interesting because in Guatemala I came across a teacher who says that a way to tame the mind is to do the OPPOSITE of what your Ego tells you. Ego-bust yourself a bit. Challenge your self. Face your fears. All differing tones of the same tune.

Now we take a turn off into a somewhat different direction; how alcohol can be a tool for good. Now, now. I know what some of you are thinking. “What! Alcohol as beneficial! Bullshit, its the devil! What tomfoolery do you speak?” And, yes, I get it. It has been used as a tool in society for other than beneficial reasons. Keeping a people in check, numb to themselves and offering a means of escapism for people who have this inner feeling that something is wrong with their life, but don’t know what else to do. Every one is trained to focus on the negative aspect of things though.

I have seen articles stating that alcohol can lead to something akin to a “demon possession”, hence one of the names for it being “spirits”. I have also seen this effect in real life, but remember, we are shifting from the negative to positive. Does it not also make some people more jovial, celebratory, loving? Do people also open themselves and spill their feelings or begin to really express themselves in song, dance or speech? Do you know how many famous writers of the past were alcoholics? (Damn near all of them) Perhaps the reason for having the name “spirits” is because the mask comes down and YOUR spirit starts to shine through, albeit through a buzzy, wobbly lens. Any demon that comes out is just you. The repressed, hurt individual with shadow’s to face and is now unfiltered and thus released upon the world.

Please, don't misconstrue what I am saying. No, I am not trying to promote alcohol as the greatest of things. I know from many experiences that it is not. Sometimes it is fun to play devil's advocate though. A mental exercise in the others knowledge and influence on a subject, and than taking the opposing view to see if I have any convincing knowledge on something I may not even truly believe in. But I can understand and perceptive a positive on both ends from my own workings with this creature.

For me in the past there were many a time that I would write and post things on social media when wasted. About consciousness, psychology, spirituality, societal manipulation, governments, religion; and fairly decent writing’s to, if I may say so myself. At least the one’s I somehow kept.

Anyhow, back to posting on social media. I would go to sleep and awake a few hours latter in a panic, and hastily go and delete what I had just wrote. My ego was so fearful of being exposed, ridiculed... noticed. The feeling of dread was immensely intense. I would loath over it for a couple of days after the writing was long gone and erased. My mind reeling, repeatedly telling me how stupid I was, along with, “Who am I to say these things, look at what a fuck up you are.” “What a hypocrite, do you practice what you preach!?” “They will all know how messed up you are, they know you wouldn't say these things unless you where on something” ( : 0 ) ! And there it is...”YOU wouldn't say these things” You? You who? I obviously just did, sooo... which “me” is the correct “me”? The one that cowers out of fear in the face of exposure? Or the one that stands in and speaks his truth? Ego or Spirit?

It is an interesting struggle, this ego and spirit. This innate bi-polarity in Man. One being the accumulation of past experiences, mainly in childhood, that mold and form the restricted expression of Self that we have become. So restricted that truthful, heartfelt expression has become alien, foreign, unthinkable. Hidden beneath the tumultuous waves of our own egoic, self-defeating thoughts.

The other, Spirit, being your own true impulse of expression before the censorship comes in, telling you this and that is the right thing and no, this and that is wrong. Who are you? Do you think you are what your mind tells you you are? Considering research suggests 70 – 80 % of our thoughts are negative, probably not. You are the opposite of what you think you are. Considering we have to face our greatest fears someday, and fear only being a construct of mind (thoughts), striving to be the opposite of what you think is overcoming your greatest fear! Possibly leading a way to your greatest strength!

So, have a beer on me! Heh...I don't know why I right this or if there was a point. I awoke at 3 am with this on my mind and couldn't sleep.

#booze #mind #Psycobabble #spirit #real #shy