Things you should never say to someone in depression
Hi, guys!:)
For a long time I promised that I will create such post, telling about the things you definitely shouldn't tell to someone in depression. It combines my own experience, plus experience of people I know personally, and it's a kind of statistics. And since I added some psychology articles to my blog I definitely fee like I finally have to make this post, may be someone will find it helpful. So:
First of all let me separate depression from "just feeling sad". Depression is a disease that is included to international medical classifiers, it had a description and diagnostic criteria, and it often comes with a list of physical symptoms as well, while "just feeling sad" is something that can happen to all of us.
Depression is one of the illnesses to which the one who lives with it always have to find excuses, and has to feel ashamed that one has this trouble. The trick is - it had no visible markers to identify. Of course, if someone has a broken leg it's pretty obvious and everyone can understand it. This is how it happens with physical disorders. But if the disorder is mental most people a)are really skeptic to it and b)all of a sudden become a PhD in medicine. What I mean under second phrase is that 80% of people assume that they know what exactly should one do with his state.
1. There are a lot of people who feel worse then you do.
When I was depressed I never doubted that probably there are. There are people that feel worse, then me, but it never made my life better in any way. I never felt good only because someone felt bad. And vice versa - their suffer didn't make me feel any better. Such kinds of comparing never help. The only result one can achieve saying his is making a depressed person feel even worse, cause a lot of them anyway feel an instant guilt.
2. You have nothing to be depressed about.
Depression always have a reason. It may be psychological state, or some somatic diseases. If the reason doesn't lie on a top of surface that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Classic depression symptoms are apathy (you don't want to do anything) and abulia (you can't get positive emotions from anything). So even if you have a brilliant life you just can't get happy from it.
3. Have you tried positive thinking/vitamins/sports/meditation
Of course sports and vitamins have a really small chance to hurt anyone. I made myself to go to the gym during depression episodes and a)I managed with it really rare and b)I had somatic symptoms, such as tachycardia that simply spoiled my attempts. So the first thing to do here is to fix the main reason somehow (with help of a professional), and afterwards this all really can give a supportive result. But really rare it can happen "before". If it can. I heard such advises for so many times during my depression episodes that I even lost a best friend because of them. She was so sure that she, and she alone knows what I have to do that became incredibly angry when I tried to explain that I simply can't. Can't get out of bed for all this, for example.
4. Just stop feeling like that/just don't think about it.
It can be a pretty hard advice to follow (especially the second part) when the first thought in the morning is how to kill yourself in a better way. Talking about the first one - if it's a real clinical depression, especially a deep one, a person simply can't influence his/her state. It's hard to understand, but it really is so.
5. I wish I had your problems!
One of my favorite phrases. We can also relate here "children are starving in Africa", "but you have such as awesome life", "you're ungrateful for what you have". In general we can call it with one word - depreciation. Depreciation of feelings and state of a depressed person. Now try to try this on yourself. Plus anyway, this is a phrase that should never be told to anyone, not only to people with depression. You never know how other person really feels and what problems he/she really has.
To finish this post I'd love to tell my favorite short story.
Imagine that you have came to a the footwear store with your friend and mother. You found a pair of shoes you really like, and you ask the seller to bring your size. He looks at your feet and brings you the size that doesn't fit. You try them on, and you feel uncomfortable. But the seller says:
-They look so good at you! It's your size!
Your friend and mother say:
-You should definitely take them! They absolutely fit!
And you sit there and can't make a step, cause the shoes doesn't fit. And here is the question: who actually knows do they fit or not?
I wish you all the best and will be happy if you'll support me with vote:)
Love, Inber
I think the worst one on the list is actually positive thinking. I've had many discussions and arguments with people who believe that one just can think themselves out of a serious life threatening mental illness for which science up until now has no cure. Often these are people who believe in the law of attraction or who just heard of the word neurogenesis. And of course there are the people who had some minor depression at one point in their lives (something like heartbreak for example), came out of it through whatever means and then believe that they discovered the cure for all mental illness. It's just not possible for them to understand the difference between a light depression and a chronic mental disorder. There would be no need for shrinks or drugs etc. and many suicides could be prevented if we could just think happy thoughts and be done with it. Another argument along those lines which I absolutely hate is that depressed people just want to be depressed because they take delight in the negativity etc. One would almost wish depression on the people making these claims, just to see how well they would cope suffering from extreme depression.
Vitamin supplements (in case someone doesn't have access to healthy foods and/or sunlight) as well as exercise and meditation are actually good advice in my honest opinion. If someone believes that these can cure a serious mental disorder though, they might be far off - although I'm not sure about meditation, since I meditated about 8 hours a day for days on end and felt absolutely marvelous. The problem with that is, it's not only very time consuming but these higher states of mind (exacerbated by the chemicals released in your brain during meditation plus the rapid changes in brain-structure) make it very hard to function in day to day life. So unless someone wants to live the rest of their lives like a Buddhist monk this isn't exactly a solution.
And like you say in cases of deep depression where it's impossible for people to get themselves out of bed, this advice, including exercise, is absolutely worthless.
Small steps are the key I think, not just if it comes to exercise and meditation, but pretty much with everything when living life with a mental illness.
At my last doctors appointment we were talking about this side of life, when other people come out of a heartbreak (your example) and think that they know the answer - and she said that it's just impossible for them to understand what it's like. Actually they put it like "suffering from depression" = "feeling sad", while it's definitely not.
Yes, the advice about vitamins, healthy food ect is god, BUT if one doesn't hear it as the only right solution from everyone. It's obvious that sport and healthy food can raise the level of life, but still it can be not enough to fight the root of problem.
I enjoyed reading your post. There is a lot of good stuff.
What kind of?
I love that you are so rigid about spam! Just saying...
I have no other choice, either I'm rigid about it, or it will annoy me in silence. And I love my nerve system and take care of it:)
You have been an influence on me regarding spam and identifying it just thought you should know. I am now getting a better feel for the "Spammers". Stay awesome!
Such phrases, along with what you listed, are a sign of ignorance that taking care of your mind is equally as important as your physical state. While they can affect each other, physical well being doesn't necessarily mean healthy mind.
You're absolutely right:)