No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone. So don't!
"You cannot live to please everyone else. You have to edify, educate and fulfill your own dreams and destiny, and hope that whatever your art is that you're putting out there, if it's received, great, I respect you for receiving it. If it's not received, great, I respect you for not." ~Octavia Spencer
"You can't please everyone. When you're too focused on living up to other people's standards, you aren't spending enough time raising your own. Some people may whisper, complain and judge. But for the most part, it's all in your head. People care less about your actions than you think. Why? They have their own problems!" ~Kris Carr
Quotes taken from www.brainyquote.com
Well, let's admit it. Everyone likes to be liked. Everyone loves to be loved. No one loves rejection. I will be honest with you. I grew up since young, as young as 7 years old, not wanting to hurt any of my friends. That pure notion eventually evolved into wanting to please everyone. Subtlely, I fed on the happiness of others. I sought for their approval and appreciation. As time went on, I realised I started to help my friends finished their school's homework and artwork, leaving me drained. Because I did not know how to say "No". And I was scared to see sad faces of my friends. Yes, I was 7 years old back then!
Everyone is uniquely different
I know we are here on earth (as well as here on Steemit) to spread happiness, kindness and positivity. But if we just want to make people happy at the expense of our own's happiness, and even to the extent of losing ourselves, then it is a jeapordy to self.
While humanity comes forth the same way from an ovum and a sperm, we grow up into complex beings. So complex and complicated that human science is still exploring and learning our brain and DNA. Therefore, we are all unique in our own ways. I can safely say that we all live a different life; we eat, talk, feel, act and think differently. In fact, there is a considerable diversity of values, culture, relationship, belief system and status quo. We have differently likings and disliking hence beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
Take a down-to-earth example. I can't possibly please my spouse daily and vice versa. We are downright different. From the way we wake up, to the way we squeeze our toothpaste, how much shampoo we use per wash, the way we talk to our child, our style of driving and spending money, and everything in between.
Another funny real-life example. My friend who is a guy just got a girlfriend, and she is petite with smaller boobs and butt. And he likes it. To him is less bulky. He told us he finds her looking pleasant and sexy. Ironically, his mum somewhat disapproves based on her belief that her daughter-in-law ought to have bigger butt for easier childbirth and larger boobs for more breastmilk. Meh.
No matter how you try, there bound to be people who do not like your idea and your way of doing things - eventhough your idea and your way is deemed to be the best.
Just like here on Steemit, we can't please all the readers. Whether you are writing the best content ever, there might be another reader who does not like your style of writing. AND it is fine. No one is wrong and no one is right. You also can't possibly upvote everyone's post to please them because of the Voting Power and Bandwidth issue (I learned this the hard way). And you must not succumb under the pressure of people disliking you just because you do not follow his way of "I upvote you, you upvote me" and "Follow me, and I follow you back". Enough said.
“Lean too much on other people’s approval and it becomes a bed of thorns.” ~Tehyi Hsieh
We are born to seek approval and love. It is as natural as a baby who seek the attention and love of his parents. Therefore, we all want to please people to a certain extent. While it is alright to have the desire to make someone happy, pleasing people should not stand in the way of your self-worth. If you find yourself wanting to please everyone until you are losing yourself; you dare not speak or stand for yourself, and you are scared to be your real self - this only means your self-esteem and self-worth are dwindling away. Before it is too late, stop having the need to please everyone. Been there, done that, left a miserable me.
Why you can't please everyone and you must not
1. Everyone has different opinion
If you were to host a meeting where everyone gives you an opinion to run a project, and you are trying to please everyone's idea, trust me, the meeting will never end. No matter how hard you try to be good enough, somehow people will have opinion about you. You talk too much, one will say you are talkative. You talk too little, someone makes a remark you are too shy. You will never be able to please everyone. Remember, we are all uniquely different.
2. People are unpredictable and they change from time to time
You found your boss loves coffee with milk. So you try hard to make a nice coffee with milk for him every morning to make him happy. One day he decides to have a change of tastebud. He wants coffee with sugar. As a matter of fact, people changes weekly or monthly or yearly. Our preference and our favourites change according to season, age and/or other factors. We are so complicatedly unpredictable. I used to love eating the fats of meat. But now I feel abit yucky. Sometimes, we are uncertain people - hard to be pleased.
3. People are self-centred
Most people are kind and helpful, but we cannot deny that we are actually quite self-centred - and we're supposed to be, or else we can't love ourselves. Too much of this, we become selfish. It is impossible to make everyone happy because everyone has their degree of self-centredness (or selfish) to want to keep some happiness for themselves. Or maybe because of this, you dare not become successful in case people who are self-centred get jealous of you. Instead, you keep do something to boost their self-centredness or selfishness. You please everyone else by sacrificing yourself and your dream.
4. You will lose your sense of identity
When you try to please everyone, you begin to lose yourself because often, instead of taking into account your own ideas or opinion, you try to conform and adapt to that of others. You succumb to their will and even feed on their happiness. Unknowingly, you are chasing their dream and not yours. You are fulfilling their purpose and not yours. Not only that, you dare not tell your side of story and no one will never know the real you. Before long, you begin to feel unhappy about many things. So yup...no..it is impossible to please everyone at the expense of your own happiness.
5. You simply don't have all the time
Your best friend invites you to her party. Your boyfriend dates you for movie. Your boss hosts a farewell dinner for the team. Your ex-roommate asks you to be her bridesmaid. All 4 on the same day. You want to please all 4 parties. But how are you going to do that given you have the same 24 hours a day? Nope, you just can't please all 4. You don't have all the time to please everyone.
6. You become insecure and lonely and unloved
If you have live your life pleasing people as your daily relational goal, somewhere in this juncture, when your help, support and love is not reciprocated, you will feel a sense of rejection and insecurity within. Due to you pleasing people for acceptance and acknowledgement, you stand a high chance to be disappointed too. People do have bad days. People do forget about you sometimes, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Normal human behaviour - because we have not used 100% of our brain and we are imperfect. This left you feeling lonely and unloved. If you have extreme low self-worth, you might be thinking what you have not done enough (although actually you had done your best).
So what should I do instead?
Trying to please everyone is indeed a disaster in a long run. Or I would term it as a 'disease' - sort of. Again I reiterate, no matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone. Even the person who likes you the most may get offended by you sometimes. For example, my spouse and I are proven to be loving couple, but we still offend each other occasionally. If pleasing people is not THE way, then how? Let me tell you what you should do instead.
Build your self-esteem and self-worth. Usually, due to past hurt undealt with, whether emotional, mental or physical hurt, your self-esteem is marred. Get some help from motivational talk or people-support group so that you have chance to walk through inner healing. I did it couple of times in my church; whether counselling sessions or deep-inner-healing sessions, they help. I joined SOZO (saved, healed and delivered) session once and my life is never the same again. Wholesome and free. Get some help if you need to. Remember, you are worthy. Tell yourself "I am worth" a million times - to drill into you that your infinite worth is not dependent on outside factors.
Do not be afraid if people feel hurt when you say "no". This is the greatest skill I learned from my pastor. She noticed I was a "yes" person and I ended up entangled by many responsibilities mainly to help all my friends do this and do that. I became tired and exhausted. It is okay to say "No" if you can't help or you don't have the time to commit to someone or something. I am not talking about being lazy, and just shove all the responsibilities. I am saying you can learn to say "no" if you really can't and you don't want. After I learned to say "no", I felt so liberated. People get disappointed, yes, but they know you are true and real. That your "no" is no, and your "yes" is yes without complaining behind.
Love yourself and be comfortable with yourself. If you don't love yourself, it is difficult for you to truly to love others. You might have tried but you ended up feeling tired in your soul or lonely. Because you are merely pleasing them, not loving them. If you are not comfortable with yourself, you might end up doing more things for others in order to receive praises and compliments to feel comfortable. Compliments and words of appreciation are awesome. But what if so happen everyone is busy that day and no one is responding to you? Will you feel left out? Or start thinking what have you done wrong? Well, the fundamental of life - love yourself and be comfortable with yourself. If you don't like any part of you, fix it confidently and comfortably. Then you will love others out of genuine heart, not just so you can please them, or so you will not hurt anyone.
Believe in yourself and be true. This ties together with self-confidence and not having a victim-mind, basically everything I mentioned above. When you have good self-esteem, honorable self-worth, not afraid of hurting people to the extent of being a "yes" man, and you love yourself, you can be real and true. Because you believe in youself and you are wholesome, you do not need to please people in order to feel good. You can emerge strong to love people around you without co-depending on them for happiness. You can chase after your dream eventhough people might be against you due to whatever reasons.
The ultimatum is the real you stand up. You will still enjoy caring for people, supporting them, making people feel good - but the motivation has changed. You do it because that is you. You do it because you care. It is no longer due to you being afraid of negative consequence. It is no longer due to fear of people leaving you or rejecting you.
In life, human is such that they come and they go. We all have our season of life. Make sure you stay put true to yourself throughout the seasons. Be wholesome and free to chase after your dreams, networking with people to climb the ladder of success, without being stucked at whether have you pleased people enough.
Will the true real you please stand up?
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Yes, that's true. You cannot please everyone; when you try to do that, people take you for granted and start exploiting you. Just live for yourself.
Complying with yourself first, then others.
Yep exactly.
This is so true. It's always been a hard balance for me, but so important to remember that you can't please everyone, so live for yourself! :)
So well articulated, I shall resteem this! This is as straight as it gets!
Heh! A very good one @iamjadeline. While I am often kind I can become "cold" if my kindness are taken for granted. I encountered that several times even here on Steemit. "Never again I give face." These days I am keeping to myself, I couldn't care less about others' opinions, or if I fit in with a certain crowd or not. I am tired of people wanting to be close to me with ulterior motive. Never again.
Btw, I am gonna use your post as an example in my post later today, if you don't mind :)
I don't mind at all. I always wonder also how all the whales here approach people who go near them just because they are whales. I am praying all the whales be wholesome so that they will not be manipulated by people. Like the old saying "Ada yang mengampu je." But how do we know? How do the whales know? You know what I mean. Thank you for sharing your piece of thoughts. Definitely alot to learn from you. ;)
Yes, never again I give face. So solid.
@coloringship I was doing the same; becoming cold towards people who took me for granted, but now, I don't expect anything from anyone, and also, I live for myself; not very kind anymore. People change you because of their average mentality.
Nice to meet you, BTW :)
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That is so true! Just focus on the positive side and acknowledge the other side. Forgive and forget negative things which already happens.
wow this is worthy to resteem. I am guilty of being a people pleaser and this is a good wake up call for me. I love your post.
I am standing! :) Good one. That first few steps are so scary, but once we see it's OK, the world doesn't end....it get's easier, and so much more fulfilling.
This was really an interesting read @iamjadeline.
We cannot please everyone,I understand that when we try to please everyone we end up pursuing their own standards instead of maximizing what works for us.
So, I would say know what works for you, understand you and own you!