'Emotional Blackmail' : That May Always Happen In Our Daily Life Without Noticing It
Today I want to share something called ''Emotional Blackmail' 'which is related to Psychology that I am actually interested since I was in college instead of sharing my happy traveling image here this time. Recently people (including me) are having some intense moments which trigger some more serious crisis that actually can avoid and stop right away but we fail to do that. It's a good time to contemplate when suffering in miserable situation with emotion and stress , to be honest. Knowing ourselves is part of the path of growing.
What is 'Emotional Blackmail'?
Psychotherapist Susan Forward wrote a book called 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You' based on her research and consultations from her clients in her 25 years career life.
'Emotional Blackmail' is a cycle of interaction among different relationships : Fear, obligation or guilt (FOG). Abuser make use of the close relationship that he/she has with the victim so that abuser can get what he/she wants for strengthening his/her power, building up the reputation and get benefits. 'Emotional blackmail' happens in the family, love relationship, or boss to employee etc which are something actually is close to us.
情緒勒索的互動循環牽涉三項非常重要的元素：自我價值感、罪惡感與安全感。我們都身在許多關係裡，他與我們多半是有一定的關係。他可能是我們的上司、屬下、同事，也可能是我們的父母、孩子、親戚、家人，更可能是我們的伴侶、朋友。
How does ''Emotional Blackmail' function in our relationships?
When abusers think that we can't satisfy their needs, they will try to say and do something to make us feel like - ' we are stupid/ we are damaged/ we are too lazy like saying we are just a piece of shxt'. We start hesitating our own abilities and believing what the abusers say which is actually right. Then the victim declines his/her value and try to put abuser's need and feeling in the first place, and slowly lose thr confidence of being yourself.
當情緒勒索者發現你不願意滿足他的需求時，他會使用一些方法，讓你感覺自己的判斷力有問題。甚至，他們會讓你感覺，如果你不按照他的方式做，是你的錯，是因為你的個性有缺陷、判斷能力不夠、太過懶惰、能力不足。他們會使用各種方法，讓你懷疑自己的「感受」是錯的、是自己不對，還會用各種理由美化他們自己的需求，以展現「他們是對的」。
於是，你會感覺自己並不重要，而他們的感受是更重要的。你會在這過程中愈來愈忽略、否定自己的感受。慢慢的，你也會失去自我價值感，產生自我懷疑，對自己將愈來愈沒有信心。
Examples from the book :
From parents: "Everything I do is for your own good."「我做這一切都是為你好啊！」
From friends : "You don’t have to show up. You never take us seriously anyway."「你不用來啊，反正你從來沒有重視過我們。」
From partner: "It doesn’t matter if you come home or not. Your job is more important than anything else." 「沒關係啦，反正你工作比較重要，不回家也沒關係。」
Why does 'Emotional Blackmail' always occur around us?
Susan Forward found out this situation always happens in the closest relationships as I mentioned before. Abuser knows us well. They know that what things are the most important for us. Then abusers overawe us and take away our security that make us fear, insecure and worried. Then victim will try very best to follow what abuser says to get back the feeling of security.
情緒勒索者知道你「最在乎的事情」是什麼，於是他們會威脅你，剝奪你的安全感，讓你覺得不安。情緒勒索者威脅將奪走你的重要事物，讓你感覺焦慮、害怕，於是你只能按照他們的方式做，以求減輕不安與恐懼，「贖回你的安全感」。
When your beloved ones give you some advices for improving and growing, take it and appreciate what they do. However, if there are too much emotion and hard feelings, then we need to take special care of our mental body.
Thanks for reading my post.
Always remember to love yourself :)
Much love,
Gladys
@gladysmak
Great article on a very common denominator in most human relationships. Thank you.
Thank you for being here and being a real you:)
This is such an important post! Thank you!
I have written about narcissists and empaths before and I will soon write about their relationships too. The abusers (narcissists) have several ways to play their game - it's not only emotional - most of it being energetic.
Especially when the victim is an empath, it will feel the feelings of the abuser and think that these feelings are theirs, enhancing the co-dependency relationship.
The worst thing is, that you get abused without knowing it. It happened to me too in a relationship and even 2 years after its ending, I still remember things where I got abused, without realizing it by this time.
Another thing that is good to know is, that abusers where mostly abused themselves in their past and they are just replaying their own abuse with their partner and making them the victim, they have been themselves in the past.
There are may more dynamics playing out, and I'm sure, there could be many books written about this topic. As I said before, the worst thing is, that the victims most likely won't read these books and articles while they are in the abusive relationship, because while it's happening, they don't realize it, because they innocently believe, that what they are experiencing is Love, which makes this a very complex topic, that is very hard to break the circle of abuse.
Thanks for sharing! I hope this helps as many victims as possible!
I totally agree with you @atmosblack. I would love to read some of your work about narcissists and empathy! Some People like to play victim games to make their billing behaviour reasonable. That’s realky sad to see it. It breaks the pure of love and trust among human beings. Can’t wait to see one day all human beings just get rid of the egos and love unconditionally without blaming, destroying and hurting others. Am I too ideal to think in this way? :D really appreciate you spending time here! Followed you and I’m looking forward to read more articles from you. Cheers!
要先爱自己才有能力顾及别人的感受
對，而且是愛自己但不能太自私：）
@gladysmak Some People Won't notice the Things You do for them until you Stop Doing Them , Love is a wonderful thing .. but it's leave us wide open for blackmail
Self realisation is really important and this is only ourselves can stop what bad things happen on us:)
That's actually very interesting & I've never thought about it! Those examples you gave, I bet everyone has heard these sentences in their life before! In my opinion most abusers don't do it on purpose & they don't even realize what happens when they say those kind of things to the other person! I would love to read that book - thanks for sharing! :)
Yeah probably some of the abusers don’t know they did it which harms others. Few of my friends suffer from this and They didn’t even notice that actually they are abused. Until they were hurt and lose the motivation to do what they love again, they finally wake up from the suffering... anyway, Thank you for stopping by @theywillkillyou. You have a cool name 🤙🏼
Thank you for sharing this book! There are a plethora of books on psychology, so getting a good recommendation for a future read is always a plus.
As a gesture of appreciation, I suggest Creative Aggression by George Robert Bach and Herb Goldberg if you're interesting understanding more about relationships and psychology. Take care! ☺
Thanks for the book you share @enternamehere. I just finished the front few pages of the book you mentioned. Seems like I’m gonna dive into it:)
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation. It leaves you in a FOG when there is haze of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Often the Emotional blackmailer is not a deliberate tactic on the other's part- its just the method that gets them what they want! And have found that it works!
And I think sometimes it's (emotional blackmail) the only tactic they know -learned from their parents or in previous relationships, or desperately feel that that's the only straw there is to use to better the difficult situation.
I agree both of you @anayakhan and @meandyou! Emotional blackmail is not like something we were born to know or a dark side of humanity. It really depends on how you grow up and what you have been going through in your life.
I think it's good that people write about these kinds of things like you did, so we all can get aware of them and learn more about our behaviour and emotions and that way work on them. If you e.g. don't know what emotional blackmail is or realise that you behave like that in your relatitionships it's hard (or impossible) to adapt new and better behavioral strategies.
I've been through emotional blackmail once, and thank God I got away from that person without losing a screw and going insane. To be honest, that's the worst thing that I've been through. And the problem here, is that after the victim manages to escape from it, he/she starts manipulating other people without noticing it. So the number of people who use the emotional blackmail is increasing sadly.
Thank you for this post, and thank you for showing us such an interesting book. I'll make sure to read it :). Have a nice day ^^
Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m happy for you that you could see it through. You also bring out one more point about what victim does when they can’t heal themselves after being abused. Now I believe that healing yourself is the most important way to get rid of the negative vibes.
Maybe I should read her book to understand it better because my only answer to emotional blackmail is "fk you" with no hard feelings (Works every time though) :d
I like how cool you are 🤘🏼
Great write up and a fantastic choice of words, I'll look forward to getting the book
yeah! Glad that you like it !