Thanks for this insightful post. Sounds like you are going through a range of things and emotions and that is truly life. People live in a paradigm that they sometimes define but that always defines them.

I had great issues with my dad when he was alive. I felt like I could never have the relationship I needed and deserved with him. I was tortured for decades. One day I met a Rabbi who asked me a simple question. "Do you love him?" My answer was absolutely. And he told me "Then just love him." Do not ask him to change or become what you envision. He has built his entire life becoming who he is. Just love him." And I did and it created a relationship I never thought I could have. All of a sudden his words meant less, but he meant more. I stopped looking for acceptance and starting looking for Dad. It took time but I am happy to report that we had a wonderful relationship when he died. He never understood me nor me him really and this is of course sadness around that, but once I left the expectations out I found room to just love him. Just my experience when I spoke with a rabbi. God bless you and your family (and Lili and her baby too).