How To Identify a Manipulative Person

Greetings my dear Steemians. My inspiration for this post is mostly tied in with one key manipulator I have had to deal with in my life and a few other less "important" ones in terms of the role they play in my life. I'm not going to get into who the manipulators are. This post will focus on identifying manipulative behaviours with some examples.

Manipulators are manipulators all.the.time. Some of them become more problematic around the holiday season as they try to vie for your attention. But true manipulators are the way the are consistently.

The header graphic was created by me and I would have to say a lot of that is probably common knowledge. Even though the facts may be common, identifying the behaviours when they are occurring is more difficult. Manipulators are typically very intelligent so it's not always easy to figure out what they are doing. So let's delve into it.

"Happy Helpers" but Quick to Guilt Trip
In my experience, this is one of the biggest characteristics I see in a manipulative person. You think to yourself, wow, what a nice thing they did for me! Then the thing is later brought up and held over your head if you don't do something they want you to do.
Example - grand gestures done "for nothing in return." For example, helping a broke college student with their car insurance. But then threatening to stop if they don't go to church in said vehicle. Manipulators are highly agenda driven people.

Projecting Their Problems Onto You or Someone Else (love to blame)
Yes, the manipulators love to blame others. It's all a part of their game. It is also a defense mechanism for them if their wrong doings are pointed out to them. Everyone knows what blame and not accepting personal responsibility is so I'm not going into a specific example on this one.

They Gaslight
Well, what's that you may be asking? No worries, I didn't always know what that was either. Gaslighting is very abusive actually and is used by the manipulator to make you question or doubt yourself. I've experienced this before when pointing out descrepancies in a manipulator. Often, things that are very important to you as a person are thrown into the equation by the manipulator. You begin to feel "crazy", disoriented, or even afraid to say anything because since the mainpulator is never wrong whatever you have to say is turned back around on you in a very antagonistic, provocative, and uncalled for manner.

They Live in the Past
It is true, manipulators live in the past. That way whenever they need to gaslight or guilt trip you, their "ammunition" is just a quick trip down memory lane. If you know a manipulative person, you may notice a trend of them bringing up the same or similar past events that paint them as a victim (that doesn't mean they were not a victim, I am just saying it doesn't make their behavior acceptable.)

Acting Poorly If The Error of Their Ways is Pointed Out or Quick Diversion
Manipulative people rarely, if ever, will admit they are wrong, especially if they are confronted. Oftentimes they even divert attention away from what you pointed out through diversion.
Example - this is a conversation I had with someone who should come visit me & also should've went to my college graduation years ago but didn't...
Them: I can't come because I have to watch an extra dog.
Me: Why can't the neighbor kid help for a couple days? (PS. The neighbor kid is a trustworthy individual)
Them: (completely ignoring what I just said) Anyway, tomorrow I am going to....

So the diversion is just that. Imagine a car sailing smoothly down the interstate. But then out of no where swerves lanes and takes an unexpected exit.

(google image)

They are Passive Aggressive

(Google image)

The bottom one there says it ALL! No they aren't "cool" with it. This is simply the manipulator getting his or her point across, with a delicious side of sarcasm.

They Lie or Tell You Partial Truths
As previously pointed out, manipulators are usually intelligent people. They have a love for partial truths too. This way they can get a piece of the actual truth in but with their own version of "reality."
You: lamenting something that bothers you
Them: "Oh, you think you have it bad...." They then proceed to tell you about their awful childhood. They will purposefully leave out any good parts or fond memories. This leads into our next point.

They Love to One Up You
You venting about something to a manipulator is a waste of time. They have or have had it 10x worse. If you are not careful, they'll have you believing all of it too. This is an attempt to garner sympathy from you & also undermine your issues. I personally have been dealt this card SO MANY TIMES by my main manipulator that even I feel like I find myself undervalueing my own issues. Well that's a problem - because issues not dealt with fester and become larger issues. Be careful not to let such a person make you feel small and undervalued.

Did I mention they Divert?
We are going back over diversion. The master manipulator is so good at this. They are really great at sweeping your problem or valid point under the rug & will be talking about something else they would rather talk about so quickly your head might be spinning.

(art by Pat Raciomora)

They are NEVER Wrong
I've mentioned this before but it deserves its own bullet point. Even when things don't go their way because their plan or idea was flawed, it.is.not.their.fault!! In fact it is probably YOUR fault because you know, you made too much noise, you distracted them, you were not "helpful" enough, etc, etc. If they happen to be gravely wrong, they may try to cover it up by getting their spouse an unnecesarily expensive piece of jewelry for example. That then creates a problem where that is then held over the persons head later as though that jewelry magically fixed the whole problem, so how dare you have a future problem with me type of situation.

Nothing is Ever their Fault
Lastly, & closely tied into my previous & other points is, at their core these manipulators don't think anything is their fault. They typically view themselves as victims actually. Then they use that to justify current or future wrongdoings.
Them: "Well, if you had it as bad as me, you'd do the same thing!"
Again, they might actually be victims, but bad behavior is bad behavior and it can't be excused.

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To conclude, you may have surmised, I have some extensive experience with this behavior. I could probably write a book about it! Manipulators are narcissists. Of course, they'd deny that because, they're good people you know? Definitely not selfish!!

Also, getting them to legit own up to anything is rare to impossible. If they do, it is almost always with "conditions" that will later be used against you.

How to guard yourself?

• If you are with a spouse with these behaviors - try to get into some counseling. If that doesn't work or they refuse, get out!! You will not be able to "fix" them.
• If you have a parent like this, don't allow them to divert, undervalue, or undermine you. It is hard but stand your ground.

Alright, I hope this helps someone. If you recognize these behaviors in yourself, get counseling or start some serious work on yourself. You will hurt those around you and ultimately cause yourself to be alienated.

As always, this is an open discussion. Please chime in with your thoughts on this matter or your personal experiences. Thanks for reading!