About suicidal‼️➖first part

I am not gonna talk about stories that I heard or someone else's experience; so this is my story and my experience.

I had 5 attempts and all the time very similar reasons.
The most of the time was because I felt like no one cares about me and I felt like it not worth the suffer. I felt like I had no reason to want to be alive.

But let's start with my first attempt!

First time when I thought to do that happened when I was 17 years old. I started to grow and my mum was looking for me ; I was so happy 😊. But the family 👨‍👩‍👧 who been looking after me , were paid to do that, so they were afraid if I go to my mum, they will loose money 💷.
So they came up with a story. They said to me that my mum is looking for me to sell me as a sex slave. I was devastated. I remember I started to cry. I felt abandoned even by God.
I kept saying why did You sent me in this world? ; what have I done wrong? ; why You keep punishing me?

I already had so much pain. All my life I was thinking who is my mum; I wanted to ask what happened in the past; why did she abandon me; who is my dad? ; do I have brothers and sisters?; and I also wanted to ask when was more difficult for her, when she abandoned me or after?
I remember I felt on my knees and I couldn't control the crying. I was crying for few hours till I felt asleep.
When I woke up I had a bad headache and I started to cry again. Was a pain that I couldn't remove from my soul.
I was thinking if my mum, who is supposed to give her life for her child, don't care about me, I didn't expect love from others; I didn't want stranger's love so I started to think I don't want to live anymore. I was thinking my life will always be like this; also was thinking there will never be someone to love me.
And you feel so alone inside and it's so quiet... And I was thinking what was the best option to finish my life, but I had a problem I am scared of pain.
I was thinking to cut my veins, but I thought it's painful so I excluded the idea.
I was thinking to strangulate myself, but were people around. And I saw some pills 💊 . I heard in the last time on TV 📺 that someone killed herself by taking pills.
I felt like I really wanted to do that. While I was with the pills in my hand, I was shaking really bad and felt so scared but I kept pushing myself to do that. And when I was about to do, I abandoned, I was really scared. So I didn't do it in that moment.
I kept the pain with me, still being angry with my mum. So I insisted to see my mum, to hear it from her mouth, but they said that she just killed herself because she felt guilty, by throwing herself in front of a train 🚉.

I felt hurt again. Inside me I refused to believe, but I cried because I was thinking I will never get the chance to see her.
That period of time I met my ex(the guy that kept me away from the rest of the world for almost 11 years). And because I felt in love with him, I was happy. But my foster parents weren't happy about it and was a war all the time.
So I remembered about those pills. And I felt fed up
. So this time I said to myself that I have to do this; so I did. I took all the pills ( the pills were expired for 3 years, those pills were for helping you to sleep).
When I started to take pills, I was more scared than first time and, in the same time, I was crying. There was a point when I felt really sick, I took over 30 pills.
When I finished I, immediately was thinking what have I done; and I started to shake worst and worst ( this happened in the bathroom).
I tried to calm myself down and went back in the living room. My ex and my foster family kept arguing.

I was sitting quite and I was looking at them and I said that finally all of that will end soon. They made me feel like I was a problem. After 10 minutes I felt so calm and so relaxed and I started to feel very sleepy 😴. They kept asking me if I am all right, but I could barely hear them. And then I said: don't worry, I never felt happier in my life; and I said: I want to break up with my boyfriend if this is what makes you happy, and they approved. They asked me to talk to my ex for the last time.
I was talking with him outside, in front of the door and I said to him that I took pills, and he said to me he suspected I have done something, and he told me to go to sleep.
And I said this is going to be the last sleep because I will never wake up ( I don't think he cared). He left and the think of dying soon was scary.
I returned back in the house, but I couldn't stand and my foster parents got scared. They kept asking what have I done, and I said: I only made your life easier, and my step mum kept saying that I will send her in jail for the next 25 years.
I had high temperature and I was shaking really bad.
I got to the hospital and the doctor put me questions; I could've heard but I couldn't speak and in short time I fell on the floor and I couldn't remember anything what I did after.
When I woke up, I had my legs and my hands tide up from the bed. I been told I was sleeping for 2 days, bad after I lost my conscious I became violent with the patients in the hospital. They said there were 5 doctors trying to restrain me because I was so strong and they had to tide me. They said that I was swearing everyone around there for few hours, and I said to everyone when they are going to die.
I don't remember any of this. All I remember is I fell on the floor and that's it.
When I woke up, people around me were pissed off ; and I said "hello, what's going on?", but no one wanted to talk to me. My step parents arrived shortly. When I saw them, I freaked out. I started to shout very loud to "leave and never come back".
Very shortly I started to blame the doctors for saving me. I said to them "if any of you wants to live, then it's not my problem like it's not your problem if I want to die". They thought I am dangerous, so I wasn't allowed to go home. I was in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks. They've been drugged me all the time and I had energy only to reach to the toilet. 1-2 times a week they put me questions if I still want to die or if I hate someone, but I refused to talk. I felt no trust so I started to talk funny to piss them off. I had to sign that I won't do it again, otherwise next time I will stay there for 6 months. My step parents accepted my relationship with my ex boyfriend (the thing about it, I didn't do this because they didn't accept my relationship, but because I felt fed up).

I REALISED YOU DON'T DO THIS BECAUSE OF A CERTAIN REASON, BUT BECAUSE YOU KEEP SUFFERING AND YOU KEEP BRINGING BACK ALL OF YOUR BAD MEMORIES.

I kept putting in my mind things like I will never trust someone, or I will get revenge; I had no feelings, I felt cold inside. I had no shame, no fear, no conscious.
I was pissed off on God. I said that He lost a soul and it's a good feeling when you don't forgive.
They were the perfect parents for the next 2 months.

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I forgot to say how we got here.
I met my ex 1 month before turning 17. Was a month before half term, so my step parents were fine with that. In August they started to tell me to break up with my boyfriend because I was about to start the school in September. I promised that I will be good in school as I used to be; I asked them to give me a chance to prove it, but they didn't agree. And every day for 2 weeks was the same discussion. I tried to ask them to understand that I am a human being, but they didn't care about my feelings.

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I still felt lonely so I started to read quotes from bible. There are helpful quotes, which made me to not feel alone anymore.

With a week before leaving Romania, I met with one of my mum's sister. I asked if it's true what I heard about my mother that she killed herself, and she said that it's not true. My auntie (she was the only person that I knew out om my mum's family; the last time when I saw her I was only 12 years old), said that she is alive and she tried to contact her because their mum, my grandma, just died 3 weeks ago and she have to receive some money. I asked for her address, but she refused to give it to me. She said that will be too hurtful for me because my mum had dementia and she won't remember anything about me.
I don't know what was wors. At list I knew everything I was told wasn't true. This happened after 1 year after I was told all that lies about my mum.

Few tips for the ones who wants to do something stupid like this, you have to understand that only you can choose how to live your life because you know what's best for you.
If you want to do something like this, you have to understand it's no one's fault for your decisions.
If you are pissed off on life then change it, don't end it.

See you all again in part ll ✌️.
Take care of yourself and be happy because life don't last for only one day, to treat it like it doesn't worth anything because if you mean nothing for someone, in one day you will mean everything for someone else.