How I came out of the psychedelic closet (or rabbit hole)

Last month, I came out of the psychedelic closet (or rabbit hole) on facebook. I had many positive reactions from friends and family, so wanted to share it here. Let it inspire those who are still feeling repressed because of their drug use.

(Tears of Joy - Alex Grey)

This is going to be one of my more personal posts. Many of you  already know that which I will talk about, but some of you don’t and I  would like to once and for all put it out in the open. While I have  spoken quite openly about the subject, I never explicitly mentioned my  personal involvement with it. So for those who didn’t connect the dots  just yet: For the past 12 years, I have been working with psychedelics. I  have used several of them and use one of them – ayahuasca – on a  regular basis. With many of you, I have had conversations about what  they mean to me and why I use them, but out of fear of judgment, I have  been hiding this fact from some of you.  

In April of this year I  was part of a beautiful ceremony with Iboga, an African plant medicine  that produces a strong dreamlike state in the user. This plant can help  one to face the past and release whatever pain, fear, sadness, etc. you  have been carrying with you. It helped me to release fear and sadness  that have been with me all my life, for almost 35 years. This post is  partly the result of the experience, because I decided not to hide any  more. I am who I am and who I should be. The fear that I was carrying  caused me to hide part of myself for all my life. Hide my feelings, my  desires, my struggles and imperfections. In the last few months, I  allowed these to come out more and the Iboga really helped me to accept  them for what they are.  

I have been involved with the OPEN  Foundation (Stichting OPEN) for almost a decade now. This organization,  as some of you know, aims to increase our scientific understanding of  psychedelics and their therapeutic potential. Subconsciously, I joined  this organization partly because I wanted to justify my personal use of  psychedelics and I believed that science was the way to convince others  that my personal choices were not necessarily negative. But of course  the proof is in the pudding: I don’t consider myself a bad person and I  don’t think the people around me think that I’m a bad person. I also  don’t consider myself less than others who don’t use any drugs (although  there is a stigma on drugs in our society, while this stigma escapes  those who use alcohol and to a lesser extent tobacco). I am not a worse  person because I use drugs to learn things about myself and the way I  relate to others. And I don’t consider other people worse for using  drugs, even when they use them in a way that can be considered  self-destructive. For me drug use is an expression of underlying  mechanisms and when it is self-destructive it inspires compassion rather  than judgement (although I must admit that I have not always looked at  it this way). In my case, I think the use of psychedelics is the  expression of a sincere wish to get to know my own consciousness and a  desire to broaden the spectrum of my experience.  

I consider  psychedelics powerful tools that can be used for both personal and  spiritual development (which in the end might be the same). This doesn’t  mean that they cannot be abused and that one has to be careful in using  them, making sure that one is properly prepared to face both very  beautiful and very difficult experiences, and that the environment in  which one chooses to partake is safe and supportive. These factors have a  tendency to become a ritual, in which the drug, the setting and the  mindset become interconnected vectors that help one to transcend one’s  normal waking state of consciousness and experience something that lies  beyond one’s normal idea of self. Such an experience can provide  perspective on past experiences, on who we think that we are and can  help us re-evaluate our attitudes and actions, inspiring us to act  differently and transform our lives. It is my conviction that this  transformation can be very positive, although there are always cases in  which it can go wrong and people lose themselves to a certain extent.  The latter is exacerbated by the lack of social integration surrounding  psychedelics. Because of prohibition and the absence of social  structures that can help one think about and experience psychedelics  without prejudice, the risks are increased. And because in the media one  only hears the negative experiences, I think there are subconscious  mechanisms that prevent people from admitting the positive outcomes that  psychedelics in a large variety of cases definitively have.   

Current research suggests that psychedelics might help with a broad  spectrum of problems: addiction, autism, anxiety, PTSD, depression,  eating disorders, the fear of death in terminal patients and others. The  latest event I have helped organize for the OPEN Foundation (the  Interdisciplinary Conference on Psychedelics Research, 3-5 June 2016 in  Amsterdam) featured researchers from all over the globe doing active  research into these substances in relation to these and other subjects.  The promise of this research stands in stark contrast with the common  idea embedded within laws and treaties that psychedelics have no medical  benefit. The results are so impressive in many cases, that it warrants  state funding and a strong move towards making psychedelic therapy  possible for patients that are currently not helped by our health care  system. Further research has to be done to chart both the risks and  possible benefits of psychedelics, so that we can show that these laws  and treaties need reform in order to accommodate the benefits and  minimize the harm. Prohibition has not served us well in either respect.   

But again, this is not a justification of my own personal use. I  did not have major psychological problems when I started using  psychedelics, although I, like almost everyone, have had some traumatic  experiences in my life. Psychedelics have helped me to become more open  and less fearful, they have helped me to accept myself and others,  allowing myself to love and be loved, they have helped me to see things  clearly, without trying to impose my viewpoint on whatever it was I  tried to look at. At the same time, they have helped me to see my  limitations and the general human condition, by which we are bound to  our point of view and our personal history. The experiences were not  always easy, and were I not in a safe space, some of them would have  been considered a bad trip, while now they have been amongst the most  important experiences of my life. Psychedelics have given me more than  just a healing on a psychological level, they have helped me to  experience peace of mind and a deep love for myself and others,  something that I have no other words for than divine.   

Psychedelics are used by doctors and lawyers, accountants and artists,  professors and therapists. I have witnessed many of them healing deep  traumas, making decisions that will improve their well-being and  expressing themselves in new and creative ways. These are not the people  generally associated with drug use, they have jobs, are committed to  contributing to society and often actively promote the health and  well-being of people, animals and the environment.  These people often  cannot speak publicly about their use, for fear of consequences. I hope  this semi-public announcement will help to bring about a safe space for  people to discuss their use of psychedelics and ways in which they can  be integrated within society in a safe way, so that the practical  benefits can be maximized. Psychedelics have and continue to inspire me.  I hope that we can work together so that this remains a possibility for  myself and others.  I thank you for reading and if you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them. 

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This was my post on facebook. I'd like to share a video as well, made by the artist Ben Ridgway, that really gives an impression of the visuals I see on ayahuasca:

https://vimeo.com/102671169