Am I Settling? Is This The New Me?
Last Friday marked the one year "anniversary" date of my auto collision and to say the day passed without little remembrance is an understatement.
Since that day I have been through dozens and dozens of doctor appointments, four months of physical therapy, counseling for anxiety and depression, tests (MRIs, CATscans) and endless hours of my life I will never get back; and let's not get started on the physical pain and discomfort that reminds me every single day of that life altering event.
Yesterday was the first day I left my home in nine days. YES! Nine days!
Most people who know me, even if just through steemit posts and Discord chats, know I am a homebody. They know I am happiest at home. I despise traffic, crowds and commotion. So home is my comfort zone where I have complete control over my surroundings. No one can hurt me here.
But yesterday I had to venture out. I had a counseling appointment to keep; where I talk about the auto collision, sift through my emotions and tackle not only anxiety of driving, but also take the reins of working through the five steps of grief.
As soon as my counselor, Pauline, asked me how the last two weeks were... I spouted off that I am at a loss and just feel it's best to settle for what my life has become. Never wanting to leave the house. Never wanting to drive. Never wanting to see a red semi-truck in my rear view mirror. Never wanting to not feel in control of my own fate. So many nevers, and giving up on having my old life back.
You know...
- Being able to complete my gardening tasks pain free
- Being able to do regular daily chores without discomfort in my left shoulder, upper back and neck
- Being able to walk the dogs for more than a mile every day where I am ache-free
- Being able to work inthe homestead kitchen without my left hand and fingers being numb
- Just one day where I am not reminded of that day
Bless her... she let me have my angry tirade and eruption of emotion.
She told me it is OK to settle for where my life is at, If I am satisfied with that.
So am I satisfied?
No I am not, but I feel as if I am losing an uphill battle.
Fighting my own auto insurance company for coverage to pay for medical bills. Arguing with my insurance adjuster to approve tests. Realizing that nothing will give me back my old life and ways, except ME!
Then These Quotes Came To Mind...
Don't ever settle for less than you deserve, because once you start to settle you always will
Unkown
Know your worth. Know the difference between what you're getting and what you deserve
Unknown
The Continued Fight(s)
I will continue to fight for...
- My insurance to pay my bills
- What makes me happy
- Knowing nothing can change this situation but me
- Getting through all five steps of grieving
- Trying to get through one day without a reminder
No one ever said this was going to be an easy, or quick, process; and I have the control of which direction I take mentally and emotionally. While some days are harder than others, I have not given up on myself to get through this.
This post was made from https://ulogs.org
I can empathize to no end @goldendawne. It is not fair to have to fight the fight when you have so much on your plate. But, you have to take a strong stance & dig deep. I completely get it. I live it too. Don't give up girl. You're here for a reason. HUGS <3
Yes.. I am not taking the insurance aspect lying down. We pay.. and pay.. and pay premiums for this reason. It just infuriates me when they (the insurance company) says... oh no.. we're done paying and we won't be paying for most of it.
WTH! I know this is common practice for them, but really?
Oh man, I won't even get started on the issues with insurance. I was fired (from a shitty job I had for a lady that claimed she wanted to be my my friend) at 5:55am (my shift started at 6) by a bullyminded ex RCMP officer (her husband). SOOOO rudely. Because I became emotionally/ mentally unable to teach a yoga class the day it was my two year anniversary of my MVA. This is the date that benefits stop, and I had to speak with the insurance agent which was immensely triggering (I am sure you understand). My boss at the time just failed to ignore my text and calls (set me up) and unfortunately none of the 10 ppl I contacted to sub the class could help. I know I need to let it go but it is so frustrating. She even told me to my face that she had my back and would understand if I ever had to cancel a class which never ever did before that one. I called each student that might have attended in person to let them know class was cancelled. Then, after my most recent accident in August, my mom overheard my conversation with insurance and told me she was ashamed I was her child with how I was speaking to them. Obviously she has never had to deal with them. I feel for ya. One day this will all be in the past. Though we both know the physical pain will likely remind us for life <3
@goldendawne - OMG I can sooooo relate! My auto accident was 2-1/2 years ago now - where we were rear-ended by a kid with only minimum insurance coverage. So I'm in a law suit against my own insurance company too to claim the Under-insured coverage we have paid for! What a dishonest racket insurance is! I have a neck injury that my doctors want me to have surgery to put in a plate, but I'm scared to do it. I don't have it as bad as you do, but I definitely feel your pain and anxiety and dissatisfaction with the status quo. I hope things continue to improve for you! Keep on fighting, you deserve to have your life back.
The new normal. That's what my wife and I refer to how life is for me after cancer. We say it with a smile, but there is no happiness in our voices. I see a lot of similarities in your writing about your mental and physical struggles after your accident. I pray you continue to heal and to FIGHT.
Just remember my dear friend, I have had injuries that took me years to heal from. I did though! I never thought I would. I was told I wouldn't but here I am. I can't do everything I could do before but I am not in daily pain. I am just so happy you are alive and do not have brain damage or something like that. I have been in 2 rear-ended accidents in my life now. The first one created a back injury. VERY PAINFUL! Took about 2 years but I recovered from that. Hang in there Hun. Don't let anything snuff out your light no matter what the outcome of this is.
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@goldendawne
This really resonates for me. Thirty five years ago I had a car accident that left me paralysed for a number of hours and with injuries that kept me in hospital for 6 weeks. It was earthshattering. I was 21 - just - and with my whole life ahead of me. Concussed and with multiple breaks I felt as though life was not worth living. I'd have happily asked someone to end it all. I thought I'd never get out of bed again. I did, thanks to a doctor that chivvied me up and insisted I take his arm and "walk" to the end of the ward. I insisted I went home after 6 weeks and 2 weeks later resumed my university life - well, sort of.
Suffice it to say that it was a long haul. For more than a year, I had constant pain in my back. My knees still don't work the way they should because, in those days, there was no physio if you had broken bones. There was no counselling, helped along by parents who just wanted me to "get on with things".
I survived. I remain terrified of being a passenger in a vehicle. The smallest of things set me off. I remain terrified of hospitals and doctors. In hospital - I got stuck in a lift and thought I'd die in a lift in a hospital bed. I was so ill and the trainee nurse so inexperienced, she left me in my own urine. The nursing sister berated me for wanting pain killers when I was in so much pain I literally counted the hours from one dose to the next.
Granted, you're not 21, but what I hope you get from this is that it is possible to carry on and live. It took me an awful long time to get beyond it all, not helped by losing my first real love in the aftermath of the accident and again wanting to take my own life.
I look back on that black time and realise how far I have come. Knees don't work properly, and I do have a very real fear of falling, but I still dance, and do what I want to do. Because why? I want to, and will and I'm not going to let my head or a stupid accident stop me.
Go out there grab the brass ring and just do what you need to do. And it's ok to rail about it. Hell no, it's good to rail about it. But at the same time, think about how much you do have to be grateful for: your home - which you love and the homesteading which you love and the people and...
Be well, and hang in there
Fiona
Oh how many times hear that! When I was in a doctor's office (the insurance made me go to one of their so-called IME- independent medical evaluation) doctors, he was rude and condescending. I blew up at him when he said...
"I don't see what the problem is... you were in a car accident and you survived. It's time to move on..."
I went off on his a$$ and in his report he said I was defensive and showed signs of hostility all because I yelled at him and said; have you ever been rear-ended by a semi truck? No.. probably not. I'm pissed off and my life is not what it used to be.
So if that makes me hostile, then so be it.
Some day I want this to be me too.
Glad you were ok after all the time to heal.
Healing bones is one thing, I've never had to heal emotionally like this before, not even when I divorced my first husband. It is so draining on one's psyche.
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I understand where you are coming from @goldendawne. You have been through a life- changing accident but you are a strong person that has been your saving grace.
You have set realistic goals and I hope all these will be accomplished in the near future.
This quotation is coming to mind, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”
I think that you are doing exactly that, dear Goldendawne. 💕
I have no words that will make any of this any better. The only thing I have to offer is my thoughts, prayers and support in any way that is possible.
When I first came here, you were a force to be reckoned with. Strong, decisive and a real go-getter. You are still that person, but, your goal has changed a little. Don't let this define who you are. Only you are allowed to define what you will be.
Getting on with life is easier said than done. I just had a medical scare very recently and it scared the bejesus out of me. I am fine, but, the point is, it is so easy for anyone to look at you and judge, until they are personally in a crisis of their own.
I bow down to your courageousness.
Love to you. Always. Denise
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