4 More Places Trump Could Rename

So, Google’s and Apple’s Maps have changed the “Gulf of Mexico” to “The Gulf of America”. You would think that in a country rife with issues, such as grocery prices, the border, war, and Bill Belichick’s date to the Super Bowl, that renaming large bodies of water would be a low priority. But no! As American’s, we can and will be pissed off about the most mundane things.

The arguments for and against the name change have been argued across social media in the past few days. Those who support the name change point out that “The Gulf” is part of the North American Continent and is therefore more aptly named. They also point out that America itself, is a major importer of The Gulf’s most abundant wildlife – retirees from Ohio. Those against the name change vapidly point to their 1985 geography books as proof that God himself named it, “The Gulf of Mexico” and it is un-American to call it anything else.

Now I like to see myself as a “happening guy”, who is “with it”, and “goes with the flow”. I’m all for change! I think the most American thing we can do, is keep the changes coming by renaming some other places. Here are some suggestions for other name changes.

RED, WHITE, & BLUELAND

What’s better than a frozen island named after a color? A frozen island named after THREE colors! This name change is actually the brainchild of Rep. Earl L. "Buddy" Carter, who proposed, "The "Red, White, and Blueland Act of 2025", which seeks to authorize the President to negotiate the acquisition of Greenland and rename it to "Red, White, and Blueland. You read that right. This name change is actually in the works! If you thought changing “The Gulf of Mexico” to “The Gulf of America” was bad, this has got to be atrocious!

If this legislation passes, not only would we be renaming an island, but we could also possibly end up owning Greenland, a country whose Gross Domestic Product is a welfare check from Denmark.

SPIRIT HOLLOW-GREED

The United States Bullion Depository, also known as “Fort Knox,” has the reputation of being one of the safest, most secure buildings in the country. It was built to store the United States gold deposits. Whenever old timers used to use the phrase, “safe as Fort Knox” to describe something as being secure, they were referring to the building used to house the United States gold depository. The only problem with that is, it’s not really named “Fort Knox”. Fort Knox is a military base located BESIDE The United States Bullion Depository.

Now, I can see why they wanted to name it something else. After all, The United States Bullion Depository doesn’t have the ring to it that “Fort Knox” does. And saying, “The USBD” sounds like a gastrointestinal problem. So, they needed to come up with a new name and I think I found the perfect one!

As of 2021, the gold deposited in the vault equaled around 8,134 metric tons, or roughly half your mom’s size! Speculation, however, is going around that the gold has been looted and sold over the years by nefarious members of the Federal Reserve, an organization that is neither “Federal” or a “Reserve”.

That being said, I came up with the perfect name for an empty store: “Spirit Halloween”. Every year, towards the end of summer, vacant store fronts get filled with clown wigs, naughty nurse outfits, and just about every other Halloween accouterment known to mankind. “Spirit Halloween” stores pop up like drug dealers, luring unsuspecting shoppers in to purchase over-priced Beyonce masks. So, I say we slap that “Spirit Halloween” sign right on the side of “Fort Knox” and try to earn back some of that gold that has been plundered from the American people over the years by crusty, old Rothschild Bankers!

NORTH MINNESOTA

Whenever you think about Canada, you think of cold weather, lots of trees, and funny accents. When you think of Minnesota, you think of cold weather, lots of trees, and funny accents. I say we combine these two things by renaming Canada, “North Minnesota”.

Yes, I could have gone the other way and renamed Minnesota, “New Canada”, but with these new tariffs, importing a name from Canada will cost a fortune!

MUSKVILLE

While Elon and his pack of wild high school nerds continue to raid government offices in Washington D.C., I think it’s time to rename our nation's capital. DOGE has done more damage to this country’s fragile liberal minds than Trump could ever imagine! From social media posts to outright protests on the streets of major cities worldwide, liberals are having meltdowns of nuclear magnitudes.

That being said, we need to honor this momentous occasion, and I can think of no better way than renaming a city after the leader of this movement. I hereby declare Washington D.C. be called, “Muskville”. This makes sense, considering the fact that Elon is owning all of D.C. anyway.

This is just the beginning. I’m sure there are other places out there that need renaming. We will get to them all in due time. Until then, let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions.