Something I wrote years ago when I found out my mother was an alcoholic

Affliction

I feel like you consider my tears synonymous with wine
Why else would you consume them at the same time

I just realized that I don't have memories of you without your precious alcohol
Have you fallen into it, because of the alluring numbness? Does it fill the hole?
It explains my inability to comprehend your dumbness, the wine made my equation whole

Now I begin to understand, your unforgiveable behaviour explained at last
I hope that the only good memories will not be limited to days long passed.

No longer will I value anything you say, it saddens me as much as the death of my father.
Is it the only thing that makes you feel okay? You truly are your mother's daughter.

Addiction so prevalent in this family, when I look back it's the only thing I can see.
From all the tragedy they wanted to flee. Drugs and alcohol, the only things that made them free

from the worries. I worry too, none of you know what it is that I go through.
I defect from the tradition, none of you respect my mission.

All my hope is directed at the well-being of my brother, he doesn't deserve what is washing over him
The people treat him like he is the same, not another. Mistakes he made because of this and that, discard him at wim

You cannot blame him fully for the things he's done, you are to blame as well.
You are no example, you are unfit to be what we need you to be.
They all back you up, but they don't know you never put down the cup.
I wish life wasn't the way it was for the first time in forever.
After a father's death, a whirlwind of allegations and all the shit that just fell down.
The first time still, I've had my fill.

KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

the alcohol screams, fear, but I am not struck with frisson
I pay it no mind, I don't hear, I don't listen.

Addiction is not my affliction!