The Beast Inside of Me

Something has awakened a side of me that has been asleep a long, long time and released a part of me that has never seen the light of day.

I cannot contain the beast inside; she is powerful and willful and selfish, but confident and strong.
she is me ... with a vengeance.

No polished edges, no waiting to speak when spoken too, no more listening to hate and stay quiet ... hear me roar!

... except for every time she has broken free and shook the balance, I have said “I’m sorry” and put her away.

She is amazing and awful at the same time - she upsets the balance of peace - that is the cage that I’ve built around her, and she rattles the bars and screams to get out

she wants to be free - she breaks my heart...

... because I know she will hurt the people I love because they don’t know this side of me - they know the pretty cage that I have kept her in with promises of comfort and ease.

She is restless now - the cage is too small, and the noises that she makes are becoming louder every day. There is something that she wants badly, and the bars are straining.

Hope has given her strength, and I cannot quell it. She and I are getting older.. she is getting desperate, and I am getting tired... so tired... I don’t think I can keep her quiet any longer.

But once I let her out there is NO going back - the chaos she will cause is unknown. I will not be able to control the damage that she does to everything that I hold dear in the world.

So my heart rips apart, and I stitch it back together with a silken thread of fear.. frantic... and She screams and reaches through the bars for that something that has awakened her...

she has seen and tasted freedom and will not be denied.

I don’t think I can contain her any longer, but I fear that she will leave me with a disaster of hurt, and pain and broken hearts.

Everyone I love will flee in fear of her and all I hold dear with being left in ruin.

I wish I knew that this gauntlet held a victory at the other end, that it will be worth all the sorrow, but my terror is that it will leave me...
Alone and Bloody in Her Wake