I Tried to Touch Your Heart but your Titties Got in the Way, plus Compassion and Regret.

I Tried to Touch Your Heart but your Titties Got in the Way, plus Compassion and Regret. — Lyrics by Lorenzo Ardea, sung in the style of “You Never Even Call Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe.

Well it was all, that I could do, to keep from crying. (lawyers)
But this woman, she was dealing with so much grief.
So as we gathered by the body, of her just departed Dad.
I grabbed her hand, to offer strength, and say a prayer.

She didn’t fret to lay her hand in mine.
I didn’t fret, her shudders, they weren’t for me.
So as we bowed, the quiet settled, I heard me say
I tried to touch your heart, but your titties got in the way.

It wasn’t her fault, that she wanted me to literally share her pain.
She was playing her part, and I was doing my job
In a different scene, we’d start our romance down at chili’s
Where I get a free white wine at least twice a week.
I wouldn’t need this crowd, or her half brothers and sisters staring me down.
Our love is more than OK, it rises well above the fray
I tried to touch your heart, but your titties, got in the way.

I wrote this diddy for my brother, and at the time I was pretty sure it was the second or third best love poem ever written.
But when I read it to him, he reminded me, that it could not be the second or third best love poem ever, because it didn’t talk about any of the things that first drew him so near that fateful day. I had failed to even mention the cat pee, the dent in her head, or her stench of a life not led. So sat back down and wrote a second verse to this song, and now even he agrees, this is the second or third best love poem ever written.

When I walked in, the reek of cat pee was overwhelming.
From across the room, you could tell her deck wasn’t full.
And even if she wasn’t wearing hot pink bike pants, with a life size Camel Toe.
And if her trailer were twice as wide, I could never love her more.
Who’ll visit me when I’m knocking on that dooooooorrrr
So I’ll hang around as long as the family let’s me (lawyers)
And I never minded, touching floppy teats, but before I can leave here there’s just one thing left to say,
I tried to touch your heart, yes I tried to touch your heart, I tried to touch your heart but your Big Old Flapjacks, your mighty meaty muffins, your big old goddamn titties got in the way.