Grief- a poem

Grief-

Some days you hide behind the sun
Waiting for a moment when the clouds come out
To make your presence known again
Other days you sit behind my shoulder
Tapping on it whenever I seem to smile too much
You visit me most at night
The silence allowing your voice to echo
You tell me all the things I should have done
All the words I never said
All the moments my heart and soul regret
Your waves they crash around me
Sometimes they take me down
I can barely breathe, please stop
I need just a second not to drown
Others moments you’re like a gentle current
Not all consuming, but you are still there
I can’t remember what life was like before you
Before my heart only knew despair
Sometimes when I sleep I am taken back to that before
When I still had all my hearts pieces
I don’t want to wake up I want to stay in this dream forever
Where my loves and all things I’ve lost sit waiting like a treasure
When the dawn breaks and I open my eyes
The peace it disappears
and I long for those flashes of before
Just for one more moment so I can ignore
The reality of my pain
And that my world will simply never be the same
I sit and the tears stream before I’m even out of bed
A never-ending aching, a homesickness with no end
Each day this is my morning ritual
A private tortured state
It becomes my new normal
The grief arrives at the beginning of every day
She like clockwork returns at night
The days turn into weeks, and months start to pass on by
I’m so used to my new state of misery
I don’t even notice when I cry
Slowly something starts to happen,
Without my broken heart even knowing
In place of pain and loss, a sense of love is slowly growing
For in the waking hours the before comes to visit
Through the tears I start to smile
When I feel your love around me
Suddenly it all makes sense
The pain becomes clear
That all the grief I am feeling
Is simply the love for you, I cannot share.