A Letter To God

I am never guilty for the “wrong” things I’ve done. For every action, there is a consequence. But for every action, there is a reason. Sorry I can’t pretend and fake to be happy 24/7. There always has to be a problem twice as big as the good. Whatever I do it’s for a good cause: It simply makes me satisfied. 

I do what I want. People stare at me, laugh at me, talk about me, taunt me, and simply look at me as if I don’t have the right to exist. There’s something wrong with my aura. I hate life. I hate humans. I fantasize about being crushed into pieces. Because that’s how I usually feel. Betrayed, ignored, used and useless. Like a grain of sand people walk all over. But I want to change the world and I want others to be happy. But I feel like I’ve not been given the chance to do so. 

I suffer from multiple mental disorders. I don’t know who to blame first for all of this. My family, my society, or my so-called friends. I feel unstable, confused, and crushed. How do you expect me to repent now? I need love, care, and support. I don’t want or need pity. But I can’t rely on myself all the time. 

Don’t tell me that I need to pray. Praying, for me, is like a routine with absolutely no meaning. Sorry, but that’s just my view. What’s the point? Have you ever even thought about it? God, you know I exist, are you that much of a sadomasochist to watch people suffer? Are you enjoying watching us endure all this pain? I really have no idea how glad you are going to be when you watch us burn in hell… 

I feel ill, and being close to people just isn’t right. I don’t trust myself. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know whether to continue this life – that which I don’t know how to lead on…or to just end it right there. And I know you can’t get out of life alive. But you can sure get out of hell faster. So I want to be who I am. Religion doesn’t allow that. And I don’t want to get too much into religion because I know how brainwashing they are. 

I feel soulless. What’s the point in living and not being who you are? I was a mistake. The only reason my family treat me well is because they feel threatened. So I really threaten them? Because I feel threatened myself. I believe everyone was born for a reason. What was mine? Is it to shock people? Maybe it is…I’ll think about it. But while I do, I’ll just say that if I’m not allowed to let my rage out on others, I’ll let it out on myself… 

Are you going to punish me for that?