There is that one time

I wrote this poem back in 2005 around the start of my depression and anxiety, looking back, this would be the start of my poetic hobby

You say you know me better than I do
But do you really? Really know me?
I say that I have revealed everything about me
But did I really? Really say it all?

There is that one time, when you found out
That I had been lying to you
Lying to hide myself, my true self
But what is the point now? Now that you know?

I am at a loss for words, I have nothing more to say
Why do you press on? I don’t want to speak to you
If you want more, stop showing interest in me
Because that won’t help me, that I am sure

You asked me to be more honest,
To free myself of my own burdens
To open up my heart to the world; to you
But why should I? What business is it to you?

You said that it’s because we’re friends
Friends are meant to share with each other
Their burdens, problems, sorrows and joys
But really? Do you really? Want to know?

I avoided you, I ignored you, I began to hate you
But all my actions did nothing to stop you
Why do you persist? When knowing that it won’t help?
Don’t you have a life? Get lost! Get away from me

There is that one time, though.
I opened my heart a little
To see what would happen
To see how my life could change

What did I find? More hurt and more tears
That I could do without, but rather not share
Why were you there? Coincidence, maybe?
I’m slowly regretting ever saying anything to you

There is that one time I asked you to stay
And you did, and so I shared
Without realizing, I began to cry
When the truth of my heart was unveiled.

My past is no different from everyone else’s
But like many, I don’t want anyone to know
I dislike those who want to know.
But you, you were different.

I found no reason to hate you, no reason to dislike
I found no reason to hide from you, but I still did anyways
There is that one time, do you remember?
That one time, when I broke down crying

I was afraid of showing this side of me to you
But I did anyways. Why?
I found no reason to hide from you, and so I stopped running away.
I stood my ground, I faced my fears
I promised you that I would stop lying and tell the truth
And now I’m afraid of losing you.

There is that one time when I thought you were gone
Out of my life and hidden away
Do you remember? No you don’t.
I have yet to share with you.

Please don’t get frustrated with me
Please don’t get annoyed
If you want to shout, or scold, do so.
But please don’t make me repeat myself.

I forbid myself to say that I love you
Because in reality I know it’s impossible
I can’t love you and will deny it so
But that’s also impossible, after what you did for me.

Please don’t smile at me, please don’t
Don’t be nice to me, I’d rather you be mean to me
It’s okay to be rude to me, I’ll understand
But please don’t make me fall in love with you, for what you do to me.

Because. Every time you smile at me,
Every time you care, every time you share
Every time you do something nice for me
It confuses me. I’d rather kill myself.

Do you really want to know everything in my heart?
Then stop all of that, and just get straight to the point
Act like a psychiatrist or a judge, don’t act like a friend
There is that one time, that you did, and so I answered.

This poem was originally posted on my tumblr blog and dated at March 1, 2005. The blog's link is: http://lruy.tumblr.com/