Bed Time

Bed Time

I'm in my bed
I feel so down
I feel so lonely
There's no one around
Apart from
My Chucky doll
Who lifts me up
When I'm feeling low
And what is that
Sound I hear
Whatever it is
It seems so clear
It must be the voices
Inside of my head
Or could it be the monsters
Lurking under my bed
Either way
I think I'm fucked
I'm too scared
To go and look
Because what if I don't
Like what I see
Like when I look in the mirror
And catch a glimpse of me
As body dysmorphia
Distorts all that
So all I can see
Is ugly and fat
I feel plain
When I know there's tattoos
And no colour
When I have a dramatic hair do
And then I look down
And spot my pale skin
I pray to lose weight
So I can be thin
And because I don't feel this
I get so depressed
So I end up
Hibernating in bed
And then that's where
I start to think
Putting the pieces together
Of the missing links
Of all of my life
And my adventurous past
Trying to make sense
Of why nothing lasts
Thinking about
When I was a small child
But then I grew up
And became pretty wild
Doing porn
And getting into drugs
But I was never
A violent thug
Instead
I was always too nice
Letting people take advantage
When I had no pride
But now I am
Proud to say
That I've come so far
And I have changed
All that shit is history
What's done is done
Because now I have to be
A responsible mum
But life's so hard
And so demanding
And all I want
Is love and understanding
Someone to take my hand
And say it'll be okay
Because I know it will
And even on my darkest days
When I want to end it
As nothing feels right
I know deep down
There will be light
And even when
There's a big black hole
I will avoid it
As my dual souls
Split into two
Different directions
With one wanting death
And the other affection
One loves Barbie,
Glitter and pink
And the other is evil
And wants to drink
The blood
Of someone she's brutally killed
This gets me excited
Instead of giving me chills
I'm not even sure
How much is fantasy
Because I get so confused
Of what is reality
I guess it makes me interesting
It makes me unique
But it's also the reason
That people think I'm a freak
And if I could just
Fit in with society
Then people may start
To accept me for me
But at the same time
Why should I change
Because I quite like me
And that I'm not the same
As all of the other
Generic people out there
With fake smiles and lashes
And luscious long hair
I'm not jealous but I know
They're too good for me
Why can't my mind
Just be set free
Of all the demons
Inside of my head
As I lay hugging my pillow
Falling asleep in my bed.
And as these thoughts fade
I close my eyes
So it is time to rest
And say "good night."