Hi I’m KaliKat – Welcome to my life in poems - 7

A time of confusion

Welcome back, sorry for the break but sometimes life happens and we have to see that all is well in the real world – now back to the Steem it world…

This poem was written around 1992 – I was still trying to make things work and failing miserably… I had asked him to leave, again, but as it happened in the past after a few months of him pleading for me to forgive him, I let him back in… after all, who was I to give up.

Awakenings

There's some things I have to tell you, that I don't know how to say,
I don't really want to lose you, but I honestly can't stay.
You say that you don't want me gone, then help me understand,
Why it is I get the feeling that my love's not in demand.
What it means for me to lose you words could never say,
I loved you unconditionally in a very special way.
I can't keep going on like this feeling cheated on and used,
I feel like a convenience, here for people to abuse.
Sometimes I just sit here thinking maybe she's the last,
Then I remember thinking I’ve had that thought in the past.
Nothing I have said or done has made you change your way.
Am I supposed to feel like this until I'm old and grey?
Or maybe I should stay here, thinking I'm the only one.
While you go off to parties getting laid and having fun.
I know you work long hours and for us you do provide.
But money cannot buy away the things I feel inside.
I wanted you to love me in the way that I loved you.
But it’s taken a few years to see that's something you can't do.
On our wedding day I thought this really can't be wrong,
The feelings that I had for you were so powerful and strong.
But you can grind away at feelings like your grinding at a rock
Till in the end you wake to find that dust is all you've got.
We could have had a life together, that can't, be denied.
I would have shared my love forever if only you had tried

As mentioned previously, my marriage was filled with affairs, I don’t blame all of these on he that I married, I blame a lot of these on myself… a little saying comes to the forefront of my mind when I think of the past…

Shame on you if you fool me once, Shame on me if you fool me twice…

or multiple times in my case…

Yes he was an arse for continually having affairs but I was the enabler in those affairs… why would he not continue to have them if I continued to “forgive” him for them... I did eventually work it out.. but not till years later...

Anyway… back to a little light-hearted stuff in the next instalment, it wasn’t funny at the time but I look back now and laugh and wonder "what was I thinking?".

My next post will be a poem that is a little controversial, I mentioned in my introduction that I didn’t always follow the straight and narrow, my wayward ways will be revealed in my next posting...

Cheers
KaliKat