A second poem: expressing my condolences
I’m doing a second poem. Hopefully I can do a wee bit better this time with guidance and feedback from @poetrybyjeremy and tips from @damianjayclay.
I’ve been feeling so helpless and sad about a tragedy of a grandma strangling her 6-ish grandson to death. I couldn’t believe what I was watching on news. The sorrow has been on my mind. Sighing....
I can’t do anything about that at all but hope that the boy is being taken care of in the heaven and may have a better next life.
The poem
Children have endless energy
They may be grumpy and lippy
They may not regulate self control well
Parents and guardians have emotional roller-coaster rides day in and day out
Grandma might have not taken it anymore
She might have emotional meltdowns
She might have felt helpless
But she has gone completely off-track
Every family faces hardships of different kinds
We may give a hand to try to resolve
We may listen to try to understand
But outsiders hardly tackle each hardship inside-out
Boy, we cannot change what has happened
But boy, don’t be afraid, you are now being well taken of by angels
May you flourish in your next life
My condolences to the family
Nice post!
RIP, 活躍症的問題始終系香港一個好大的問題，因為醫院的醫療都唔系好普及。
而且婆婆都有精神病同埋情緒病。雖然唔可以話系這是原因，只系好可惜。
照顧細路 有時會好攰同無助 尤其細路需要更多照顧
但有更好方法....
政府的醫療系統一直有問題
其實如果可以多點付出，悲劇未必一定會發生
我有個朋友系精神科 系公立醫院攞左專科牌做多幾年 而家自己出黎輕鬆開檔 而家每個症可以傾多D 以前有數量指標 為左夠數 唔太深入
政府野一系就快唔得 如果唔系慢慢排 一系到你 但一般比較求其.....無辦法
病人自求多福 一系有人睇住 就好d
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its so sad reading these stories. Looking after kids you really need alot of patience and energy.
It’s always daunting physically and mentally. I have endless respect for full time moms or guardians .
On this occasion, Could’ve had a better way out that could have prevented this.
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How can a person kill a kid!
Completely has done wrong the grandma. Tragic.
Hey bro, I liked your poem. I think you could use a bit more punctuations, but if this is your style than Ok. Poetry is free so don't mind my comment if you don't agree :)
Anyway glad to have fellow poet beginner here. We grow together ;)
Much love, Luka.
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. I’m still new to poetry and have lots of things to learn, so I can polish and write better.
Yes, giving feedback to each other can help us grow in poetry. :-)
Such a sad and horrible story. It is so nice of you to make it a little bit better with this lovely song. You did a really nice thing here. Thank you 💚
Ya, that’s a tragedy and they could have had another way to sort it.
That was quite emotional - the way your poem progresses it's beautiful. from a general view of children, to the grandma (and you describe her and make her human), the difficulty and the sad ending. Keep going x
Thanks for your candid feedback and useful suggestions last time.
I worked this one out with the help of your suggestions.
Anything the second poem could have done better this time? Looking forward to your feedback. :-)
I know English is not your first language, so I try not to go too hard on criticising, because it all comes slowly. One thing I would suggest here is rather than using words such as 'might' or 'may', which give out a possibility, you may describe something more concretely and commit to it. I understand that in this case, since you are writing about a real story and you do not know the whole truth, it might be 'bad' to assume or give them a feeling that they did not have - however, as for poetry, possibilities don't make as much impact.
Thought I always needed to remain 'objective', not to cross the line of putting too much in it. But poetry is definitely sentimental as a personal outlet to vent my own emotions.
Thanks for another piece of priceless advice. Have a good day.
Descriptive is nice. The thing is, when you use 'may' or 'might' it no longer stays as objective. There's no necessary big rule, but generally, the more precise/descriptive you are, the more it helps.
The child misbehaved and got on grandma's nerve. It might not be the truth (that's a journalist's job), but you are definitely portraying a more emotional story ;)
Grateful for your help. Been learning lots from you. :-)