I DON'T LIKE TO CRY....BUT

I don’t like to cry.

I don’t mean when I get emotional from beautiful music or a touching scene in a movie – I am talking about crying that comes from sadness or your heart breaking. It is like having a panic attack and throwing up at the same time.
So I try my best to avoid it.

Yesterday at the time the sun was setting I was lying in my bath, my body submersed under the water with only half my face sticking out. I noticed this little black bird outside sitting on a gutter, and in that otherworldly silence that comes from having my ears under water time seemed to draw its breath…..

The bird sat dead still.
My heart beat slowed down.
Several minutes passed with me feeling connected to this bird on the gutter in the strangest way while I mulled through the events of the day.

In this one day I connected with strangers while I served them breakfast. (friendship)
I held hands with my husband and listened to the soundtrack of “The Mission”. (awe)
I stood in a store which was having a closing down sale and spoke to the people there who had no jobs to go to. (hopelessness)
I heard about a classmate of my daughter who passed away from liver cancer at 21. (devastation)
I spoke beginner’s Zulu to a woman at a check-out counter. (connection)
Our handyman and I appreciated the lovely green colour he is using to paint a display unit for my veranda…. (favour)

One moment life was beautiful and the next moment it was tragic.
One moment you love with everything in you and the next you die a little and sacrifice pieces of you.
So much laughter and so much ….don’t say the word!

Then the black bird suddenly flew away, breaking the moment and I sat up out of the water,
overwhelmed with sadness.

I knew I was going to cry – I did not want to, but it was unavoidable.

Because sometimes our only response to LIFE is to cry,
not get emotional,
but to sob our hearts out,
to be aware,
intentional,
to recognise that life is beautiful but to die a little when it is not.

So it felt like a panic attack
and it felt like throwing up -
It did not make me feel better but I felt “part of”….

"cause everybody hurts….sometimes".

Yuri Duraan