Longing for Life, fearing to live

There is an eternal struggle many of seem to be battling with and perhaps it is the way it must be and that is the conflict between what we want and what we experience. Nearly everyone I talk to, everyone I read is somewhat unsatisfied with their current position in life and would like more of something. More money, more time, more love.

Perhaps this is the way of the world and as humans we can never actually be satisfied, we are programmed to consume and the more we have, the more we want. A continual expansion until we meet the walls of resource limitation and we can eat no more. Then what? Does life end at that point?

What if that realisation that we can never be filled is where life begins, a point where we understand the game is endless and choose to play another instead? Perhaps it is at this point that we start to look at what life may actually be rather than what we expect it to be.

People talk of the meaning of life, of finding their purpose and diving deep into their passions yet, few seem willing to let go of the edge of the pool and swim to where their toes no longer touch. For me, this analogy works for I am not a strong swimmer and being out of my depth scares me. Does this replay in my life where other things are concerned? Yes.

I long to life a full life, a valuable life, a life where I am able to sink my teeth in and do something great, or be part of something great yet, I fear. I fear that I will slip and make a wrong choice, I fear I will attempt and fail, i fear that my failures will not only cost me but cost those I care about, especially my daughter.

So much fear that releasing my white-knuckled grip and pushing even tentatively away from the edge is difficult, I need help. But, help is unlikely to come for those that are unwilling to let go enough to prove they have the capability to grow as like everything in this world, investments cost and resources are scarce. Those that have the means to help are often the ones that best understand this, so they are careful.

This first push away has been the hardest for me and has taken a large amount of effort. To invest myself into the unknown and push has come with large costs in time, experience and personal energy. It takes its toll. Previously I had the energy to do but the unwillingness to act and now, I have very little energy left after all that I do. Each night when I lay my head onto my pillow, I know that I have done all that I can. I am tired but I am living. The first step has been taken.

Now I must improve my process, learn to swim better, learn to keep my eyes open for opportunity and threat alike, learn to get comfortable without being able to touch the bottom. This process of struggle is life but with it comes great beauty. As I swim I see others, help others and be helped by others. I see many struggling, many that have pushed away from the edge and are attempting to live.

Some are more successful than others, some are swimming strong and fast, some barely managing to keep head above water but they are all trying as those that look on from the edges laugh at the failures and long for the successes. But, without pushing themselves into the fray, very few will have the opportunity to live. The flow will pass them by forever.

I question why we are so programmed by fear, why we are held down and restricted by ourselves. We spend time worrying about our freedoms and rights, but even when alone, we are not free. We are continually wanting, but rarely willing.

Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]