Broken eye contact and future depression
Today, as I sat in a roadhouse restaurant and wrote my 1500th post I was still paying attention to my surroundings, still keeping an eye on the comings and goings of customers and the groups as they did what they did. It is habit I guess and once upon a time I would sit in cafes and sketch when I had some time to myself.
There were several groups of teenagers and as expected, they did less interacting with each other and a lot of staring at their phones. I paused and watched several separate groups of guys, girls and mixed numbers and watched how they spoke to each other and, where they looked. There was almost zero eye contact.
Even when they were speaking directly to one another, it wasn't face to face or eye to eye, it was constantly looking over shoulders and away from the target. It didn't seem to matter whether they appeared to be in a light conversation or something deeper and from my vantage point, they might be mistaken for a stereotype on the autistic spectrum.
I was meeting my client for our session there out of his convenience and when he arrived we started speaking and for some reason, we discussed parenting and kids. H has two boys, an 18 and a 15 year old. He was saying that when he was that age relationships had something akin to 'going steady' where it became official but his sons only have just friends, no matter the actual relationship.
This is common among the teens and the early 20s these days but, what it actually is is a lack of commitment, a lack of willingness to be caged. No problems there at that age?
Now, his children didn't grow up with a smartphone in their hands due to their age yet, they are glued to the screens like so many of us. But, what about the one and two year olds sitting in trolleys with tablets an phones to keep them busy?
People seem to still take the view that these things are harmless because their intuition tells them that because they can handle it, the children will too. I am not so sure. Our personalities are largely set by the time we are 13 or so as are many of our behaviors and strategies for dealing with life. It is incredibly hard to fight against some of our learned habits from childhood even when we later recognize the harm they cause to us and others.
Poor diets, lack of exercise, consumptive behaviors, creative limitation, sedentary lifestyles, low interest, low practical skills, fast information... The list goes on but, it gets much worse.
The problem is that it is through this early socialization stage that we learn all about communication, understanding and how to act and emotionally deal with all kinds of interpersonal situations. It is how we learn to engage and most importantly, connect with other members of society.
Without learning these skills, we tend to struggle and the connections that are made are tenuous and often volatile and damaging. Add that to the lack of commitment and inability to deal with failure and it points to some future difficulties.
Just think how easy it is to find a date now. A few swipes and a partner can be found but, even if there is some kind of real interest taken, how does each person know that the other is suitable considering they have rarely even looked another human directly into the eyes? Does the guy understand the hair flicks and biting of the lip or, does the girl recognise the difference between flirting and being an asshole?
What will the future relationships be based upon when no one wants to feel trapped, the don't want to commit but, they want someone committed to them, they can't take criticism yet judge every detail and they do not want to fix, they want to replace. How can they live together in the long term?
Next, take a look around at the number of depressives these days, the people unhappy with their lives. The statistics in Finland is approximately one teen under 18 commits suicide every day. That is staggering isn't it?
But, the cause for most depression and the cure is social connection, intimacy where two people can share deeply. Sex is not intimacy. Sex is sex. Kids these days seem to be having plenty of sex yet, they do not seem to be sharing a lot of intimacy and even when they are together with their 'just a friend' they aren't maintaining eye contact and are continually looking over their shoulder, perhaps for something better.
We are living in a disconnected world where people are increasingly becoming isolated from others and the deep connections that last years, decades and lifetimes are no longer made with the same strength of bond as earlier. We are becoming strangers to each other, even with the people we consider our friends and lovers. And then, we wonder why society has issues and why communities are breaking apart.
What happens when these kids are in their thirties and forties and due to the endless and increasing stream of opportunity of partner, their is no need to ever invest into someone, get to know them at a deeper level than just under the sheets? What happens when they have their children? Is every home going to be broken or, will society adjust and be stronger?
I do not see strength in this future, I do not see a lack of connection between humans as a positive development that builds the compassion to see someone in need and offer a hand. I don't see that burying one's emotions behind entertainment and distraction is going to lead to a well adjusted individual nor a person who is willing to invest themselves into being a decent parent.
Right now we can see it here as so many apparently don't know what community really is and what kinds of commitment and work it takes to build one. They are short game players, one night stands and if given the opportunity, I do not think they could look someone in the eyes and develop the kinds of connections that last lifetimes.
The future is coming whether we like it or not but, I think there is going to be some very significant divisions made on several fronts. The ability to connect well will be one and the level of depression an increasing symptom of the failure to do so.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
they don't want to commit but, they want someone committed to them, they can't take criticism yet judge every detail and they do not want to fix, they want to replace. How can they live together in the long term?
Nailed it.
#MGTOW is a movement of men who are deliberately shunning committed relationships with women.
It appears to be in response to courts awarding property and children to women after breakups.
MGTOW is unfortunately a necessary, or rather an inevitable response. I'm not one, but I wouldn't discourage young men from this practice, especially in the workplace (Mike Pence effect).
Deconstruction of historical values has got us to where we are today, re-construction of the useful values will be almost impossible, and probably a fringe practice, especially if subjective feelings are the basis of judgement (increasingly so in law).
We can't look to religion to assist with promoting values as it did in the past, which is why those that do the deconstructing, chose to destroy religion first. Having values is not fun to the following generation. They demand respect (perhaps for being born), why would anyone cultivate integrity & responsibility if you can get respect on demand. The goal is to have ever more pliable citizens and they have succeeded.
The above is also not an accurate description of what these men are doing, they are protecting themselves and I would recommend young men to protect themselves. However left leaning, progressive governments have do the responsibility for the rise of this defensive action against their progressive policies. MGTOW is not merely a response to treatment by women, it is a response to treatment by the government.
Cutting off the nose to spite the face? It goes to show how much influence the governments have when people will destroy relationships for them. I understand some of the arguments and there might be better ways of arbitration but all in all, at least when it comes to the kids, the woman is the safest bet. But, it is a bet.
Maybe it will be happen if someone will do more
Friendships almost anything in the past it seems that this generation coming up connections with a friend is nothing more then a quick text message . Meaningless one liners or a mojo
If evolution is true children in the future will be born with their chin attached to their chest . What a sight that would be .
They have no idea what intimacy is or how to be intimate .
The greatest thing that life offers is the sharing of life's experiences, good bad or indifferent . This cannot be done with a text . It leaves out the emotions of experiences
So many lost but think they know where they are headed.
If you ask them , they have it all figured out . Then time will show them how wrong they were/are
Life has a way of teaching you lessons
Very sad but not shocking. I remember watching a couple, hopefully was their first date as both were texting and not talking to each other. I said at the time I didn't give them much of a chance. It is totally different from when we grew up. Today people text or email me and I am busy so I tell them phone me and tell me what you want. What's wrong with talking. hate having 10 text messages when one phone call will do the trick. There is no emotions in a text or an email. With talking you can pick up if someone is talking rubbish or needs help.
They don't know what they are missing though, that is the problem. They have always had it. People are having less sex and intimacy in relationships than they ever had and wonder why they are stressed and depressed.
Great points made. I'm 25, and I'm terrified of what's in store for my generations children. Maybe awareness will increase but it could just plateau where it is now. A few years ago I was traveling and I saw a boy that couldn't have been older than 8 walking down the street, unaccompanied, with an iPad in his hands, just staring into it. And it wasn't a particularly good neighborhood, either. Just walking down the street. We pulled up and offered him a ride, knowing he'd probably refuse and that's that; but just to see if he needed help. He got pissed at us for making him lose his game.
I sincerely hope the kid didnt get robbed or worse later in that walk. It was a scary sight. At the same time, I see my neighbors(who I do like very much) entertaining their toddlers with iPhones and game consoles. Some of the game console games they play, when limited, I totally approve of. But handing an iPhone to a two year old to distract him when he's crying? I dunno.
But that's just how things are now. I see my older siblings, who have children, doing the same shit. As I said before, hopefully awareness will spread. So thank you for contributing to that awareness :) great article
I see this in a pretty heavy eye tbh. I think it is close to abuse. Easy for the parents though.
Me too. I am almost 40, used to game a lot and watch many shows/movies etc. Nothing except writing for about a year now. I have never been more creative in my life. I didn't get my first mobile til 16, the same year I got my first real computer. I can't imagine how hard it would have been if I was born with it all in my hands. I am old enough to remember what it is to play outside and get bored on summer holidays and end up getting into mischief. Kids are always entertained now, never bored, always fed.
I know what you mean. I still watch quite a lot of film, but I have a deeper appreciation for the art of it rather than just bland entertainment. I was a little shit of a kid; always questioning authority, always getting into mischief.. I didn't have a lot of time for all the electronics everyone else was exposed to. I guess there's another upside to being a broke little shithead :)
Thanks for your reply. I agree, I also see it as abuse; but the parents don't even realize what they're doing. I'm not making excuses for them whatsoever.. it's just hard to make people change.
That being said, electronics are going away in my home once I have kids. My computer will probably be in a safe under the bed or something haha :)
It is definitely worrisome @tarazkp, the lack of connection among friends and family. I saw a picture one time of a typical family evening. They were all seated in the sitting room but everybody's eyes were glued to the screens in their hands. They were busy chatting online while they sat silent with each other in the same house.
If we add the constant blocking of the eardrum with the music emanating through earpieces and headphones to this constant staring at phones, we find a generation that is lost within their self and truly have no clue as to what is going on around them.
This isolationist lifestyle makes it difficult for them to form groups, work with people, exchange ideas or even speak up against social issues after all it is not their business.
I have never liked the idea of little children holding phones. It is now a thing in my country for kids of 11 years and below to own android phones with which they can surf the web. This is at a time when there are stalkers, hackers, identity thieves and all sorts of riffraff prowling the internet. This is at a time when contents that are not suitable for kids can be gotten with just a tap of the enter key. When you comment, they tell you it is progress. What sort of progress is that?
I am used to be alone. I seldom go out except I am in need or someone wants us to meet. I am a shy and timid person but I try my very best to interact, to listen, to participate, to share ideas because I know there are days when I will be bored with myself and I would want to talk face to face with someone, if I do not create the avenue for conversation early on, what will I do?
I hope the world can see this for what it is; a breakdown of the glue that holds communities together. Peace.
Nothing will become their business. We can see it in the workless wealth culture now. They will be useless except for what products they can buy.
We are witnessing it here.
We know children learn from imitating others. Children also see the world in images and when they play it is a way of processing what they have picked up to make sense of it. We have to leave children's minds free to process and I would say that giving small children too much tv or "screen" time, is a form of child abuse. I agree, it does not set them up for life. Its a major challenge. Blessed are the children who have conscious parents. My son went to the Rudolf Steiner school in Norway and the school asked us to please give them as little tv as possible. They could see that it made a huge difference in their ability to learn and also develop social skills. I just heard recently that France is where parents spend the less time with their children. The parents are on the computer. I work in a toy store and the amount of people that come in and ask for toys that children can play alone with is staggering. We are talking about 3-5 year olds. Its quite upsetting. We have to hope some measures are taken to raise peoples awareness around these issues. You just dont give a child these products at a young age. Let them be children!
I would too. Don't hit your children but, feeding them terrible food and numbing their minds is fine.
My daughter gets 0 sreen time. She is 20 months today. We took her to the daycare she will start at in September this week for a little tour with a handful of other kids up to 4-5 years. Ours was asking questions and was finding all the numbers on walls, books and posters to count. The other parents looked visibly worried ;)
What I think disturbed them the most is that she would talk to my wife in Finnish and then turn to me and speak English.
We barely teach her but we play and talk a lot together and even though she is more than happy to spend most of he time making up games by herself, when she wants company, she will ask for it and if we offer to play and she is too busy, she says no to us.... I think she will move out at 10 at this rate.
Ahhhh bless her. My son is also bilingual. I spoke Norwegian, the father English. My son spoke early. A lot of reading and singing and no screen time ever in the morning. 30 min in the evening, but very selected, only gentle stuff. I always felt very protective of his mind and soul. Im disturbed by what I see here in France. Parents come in and want educational toys for babies. Not kidding. I tell them, just play and talk with your child, thats education. I tell them that children naturally want to learn. Just be there to answer their questions and show them. Such pressure from the school system. Then its really gone wrong. Education is supposed to be about developing your qualities and to be able to manage on your own in the world so you can contribute in the society. Here they develop sheep. I think its great that you protect your child this way and I also think it is a great inspiration for other parents to share your thoughts. We get tested at parents. Have to assume our role as educators. These new generations come with a natural understanding of computers. Even though my son was protected from a lot of screen time, when he got his game boy, he could have spent all day on that thing and as a teenager the same with the computer. One big danger of letting our children on to these things too early I believe, is that we create serious addictive patterns. I am sharing appartment with a Finn at the moment bu the way. She says Mumi a lot. Haha Enjoy your girl. 20 months, so precious.
Please permit me to say i you took the words right out of my mouth. I still had this discussion with a friend of mine today, reading this post makes it feel like a dejavu. Funny i fall into the mid 20's category, oh my God, our necks are constantly bent to our phones, little or no eye to eye communication, we dont want to fix we will rather replace, there is no intimacy, little or zero commitment, These issues look small now, but what? I used to be the one to flaw this kind of argument, because i used to be so unattached to mobile devices and all that, till i found steemit, and now my major communications are striving here more now. Its like an epidemic, the young, the old are all swirled up, what is this revolution! Oh dear
It is an incredible shame as I think that a lot of the beauty of being human is in the sharing of life with others at a deep level yet, the consumptive behaviours of technology has led to the consumption of human connection. We have made the people who could be our greatest loves, disposable, consumables to discard.
I hope our innovations wont bring our ruins or has it?
Question is,
We are slowly becoming human bots...quite scary
Self awareness will bring the moderation but, if most people are already blind to themselves, what chance do their kids have of learning early?
I would assume some kind of cyborg mix until we are just slowing the machines down too much and they split away from us.
I would assume some kind of cyborg mix until we are just slowing the machines down too much and they split away from us. You are most certainly right
After all is said and done, one thing im sure about is that we havent even seen anything yet, just imagine when other social media like steemit come into play, with each their cryptocurrency, there would be double the influx of people into this glued-to-the-screen-human-bot category, especially when earnings are tied to their activities on the screen. Do you see what im saying?
This is the best read I have had so far from you my man.
This is issue is something close to me personally. Although I had a pretty traditional childhood myself and was lucky enough to be surrounded by people in long term relationships but I found myself, shying away from eye contact. Puberty and then adulthood cured it gradually but my shyness still remains.
You are right. Eye contact is personal and takes you right to the heart of intimacy in way no other act can. To see the kids able to carry out a conversion without even holding your eye (this being the norm) is very telling and you made a lot of those points very clear.
I wonder where it will all end up but my prediction is, nowhere good. There could of course be future changes to come that mitigates the damage but I think for some, the damage is done.
Man I have decided to home school my kids (if and when I have any) for the early part.
You know those you things of 20 something' teaching in the preschool and junior classes - they are part of the bratty generation I grew up with (maybe mostly my juniors). The thing is that they grew up with their heads inside social media and face inside a smart phone.
I am not entirely sure how long it would take for something drastic enough to happen so that it might bring about this change.
I wish I had the luxury to homeschool but it is impossible currently.
I understand, since a few of my older cousins are struggling with the same dilemma and find it impossible to do so themselves. For last few years me and my mother have started this tradition of inviting most of the kids in our extended family to stay at our home for the summer vacations. Part of the vacation actually and since there are so many little guys running around in our extended family we can't really have them together at the same time :-)
My mother being a school teacher herself is quite adept at handling kids. We try do the best we can but we only have so much time..............well that's about it.
The ease of finding dates is something that 80% of young women and 20% of young men have. This causes 80% of the girls and young women to labor under the illusion that they are more popular than they really are. The abundance of guys willing to go on a date with them will cause them to view guys like clothes hanging on the racks of H&M. 20% of the guys are in a much better position if they have even the slightest inclination to slum it. The rest shouldn't really bother with the dating apps at all as they are the ones being swiped left.
I have never used online dating or some app but even if I was single now, I wouldn't. I enjoy flirting too much, I enjoy talking with a girl and playing the little games, the chase, the connection. I am an analogue dater and my tip is, if you want to really have fun dating, put down the phone.
When I was single, smartphones had really not taken off like they have in the recent decade. There were dating websites but no Tinder, yet. Understanding what I understand now, I'd steer clear of all of that crap and only meet women in person. The talking, little games and so on and so forth are just as vital as they have always been but what the dating app culture has done is totally distort perception of the actual market conditions of many of its participants.
Also, I agree with you on today's young people's social skills, too. But that's on a more general level than just flirting.
Excessive use of technology can have an impact in how people develop their social skills, and perhaps that's the reason why Steve Jobs didn't let his children use the iPad.
To know the implications of this in babies and small children of today we would have to wait obviously, but I would not be worried about this. I mean, technology will keep integrating itself more and more in our lives with each passing year, we will simply adapt to it one way or another.
Even if there might be some negative issues like the one you mentioned about not looking at each other's eyes, technology is the only way to improve our lives and the world, so our integration with it will and should continue its course.
I think that no matter the technology, our psychology is not adapting fast enough for it. There of course migt be augmentations to come that counteract the negatives but they too will have a cost. we are essentially dehumanizing ourselves from each other. We will adapt but what into is the question.