The Psychology of Expectations Why unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.

I'll admit I've been having a real hard time trying to convince myself that sitting down and spending hour(s) writing some original material will somehow payoff in the end. I am more of a skeptic so when someone said why blog for free when you can get paid for blogging I really didn't have high expectations, though I will admit I didn't expect the expectations to be as low as they ended up being either. The other day I ran across a article that pretty much reflected upon my hesitation and it seems there's even a phrase for it.

Perhaps you have heard the saying "Expectations are premeditated resentments." I believe that this slogan, which apparently originated in 12-step programs, contains some useful, practical information for all of us about the psychology of expectations. I would like to share that useful information with you.

To me that pretty much sounded like if it sounds to good to be true it probably is. Pretty much that's my philosophical go to line that keeps the skeptic alive in me. To fail to do so would be setting myself up for some resentment down the road at either someone or something that could be misleading.

The wisdom in "Expectations are premeditated resentments" can be derived by acknowledging two psychological facts.

Source: Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.

First, merely expecting something to happen will not make it happen. Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget noted that young children have difficulty distinguishing between the subjective worlds in their heads and the outer, objective world. According to Piaget, children therefore sometimes believe that their thoughts can directly cause things to happen (for example, thinking angry thoughts about your little brother can cause him to fall down the stairs). Piaget referred to this as magical thinking and suggested that we all outgrow such thinking by the time we are 7. That is where Piaget went wrong. It turns out that many normal adults continue to engage in various forms of magical thinking. Prayer can be a form of magical thinking. Witness the huge popularity of The Law of Attraction, which says that our thoughts attract events into our lives. For many of us it is difficult to let go of the idea that expecting something to happen will make it happen.

That's exactly what happens when we are convinced of thoughts about money. I was convinced that my hobby could make me money though it didn't take long for the skeptic in me to rise again.

Second, human beings have a natural tendency to pin their hopes for happiness on fulfilled expectations. There is nothing wrong with this tendency in and of itself, as long as we have good reasons to believe that fulfilling an expectation will make us happy and that we take the necessary steps toward fulfilling those expectations. "Good reasons" might include past experience, where we know from experience that certain things make us happy. For example, I know from experience that my morning cup of coffee will almost inevitably give me a little bit of happiness. I therefore expect this experience each morning after I finish my yoga and my breakfast (both of which also reliably give me a bit of happiness, albeit a different kind).

The problem of expectation occurs when we expect something to happen without good reasons for that expectation. If I believe that my expectations alone will bring me want, I am using magical thinking and setting myself up for disappointment. This is really obvious when we are talking about coffee. I can't make a cup of coffee just by thinking it into existence; I have to take the necessary steps to make it happen. I have to grind the beans, put the coffee and water in my coffee maker, and push the button. Not difficult, but I absolutely have to do these things to get my cup of coffee. Just expecting my cup of coffee to appear is obviously delusional.

For me that was pretty much true, I loved to blog, I had a lot of experience and I am full of stories that I could sat down and write about, I could write a book for all that matters. Fact is I could have written that book a long time ago, a good reason was lacking because we set ourselves up for a return on our invested time.

What is less obvious is when our expectations involve other people. Most of us are sane enough to realize that expecting a cup of coffee to materialize from our thoughts is unrealistic. But, in contrast, most of us at some point have mistakenly believed that expecting other people to behave the way we want them to will actually make them behave that way. One member of a couple might expect the other to make coffee. This is all fine and good if the other person is happy to do so. But what happens if the other person has no interest in living up to our expectations? We feel shocked, morally indignant, and resentful. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

I can sit and think about writing that book and picturing money flowing in as a result but that could be on a mistaken belief that people will buy the book. Just expecting that people will buy the book is a premeditated resentment just waiting to happen.

It should be easy to think of examples in your own life where you have felt resentful toward people who have not lived up to your expectations. It is certainly easy enough to find examples on the Internet. For example, Dawn Sinnott writes:

I see this very thing every single day on Steemit. People pouring their hearts out in a expected result that just doesn't materialize. They feel mislead, betrayed and resentful that the system is rigged against them. Some even after giving it their all add to the pot by succumbing to the same moral indignant-ions of cheating they complain about in a last ditch attempt to chase that promised dreams of easy millions that was said to be laying right around the corner of one more article.

Source: CCO License/Pixabay

"I’m sitting at the party. I planned it so perfectly. I would throw a surprise party for my best friend on my birthday. She’ll be so surprised! She walks in the door. She looks surprised. She greets everyone and thanks them for coming. She seems to be happy yet……I know her better than anyone. I don’t feel that she’s as excited as I expected her to be. I don’t sense the appreciation that I had expected. I start to feel upset. I start to feel annoyed. What is this other feeling that’s gnawing at me? I start to feel resentment. All the planning, all the work, giving up my birthday celebration. I quietly acknowledge what I’m feeling and remind myself:

They sit at the keyboard. They plan it so perfect. They will write the best story ever. They'll be so surprised. They'll click on Steemit. They look surprised. They read the story, maybe leave a reply but just don't seem to be happy enough yet, they weren't as excited as they expected them to be. They don't sense the appreciation that they had expected. They starts to feel upset. They starts to feel annoyed. What is this other feeling that's gnawing at me? They start to feel resentment. All the planning, all the work they put into the story. They quietly acknowledge what they are feeling and remind themselves:

'Expectations are premeditated resentments.'"

Marianne @ Along the Side of the Road gives us a whole list:

Ever order a steak in a restaurant as medium-rare and it gets served to you as well done

Ever ask your teen in the morning to do the dishes and come home from work and they’re not done?

Ever go to drive somewhere and it takes you twice as long because of construction?

Ever do tons of exercise and get on the scale 2 weeks later to find the numbers haven’t budged?

Ever go to your doctor for a routine wax cleanout and leave with a surgery date in hand?

Ever write stories for a year and still making less than ten, fifteen dollars?

Expecting life to always turn out the way you want it to is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life will not always turn out the way you want it to. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment also involves resentment.

Like I've said before it would be nice to get paid doing your hobby but that's not a realistic expectation especially if it involves other people. When it comes to other people it's better to error on the side of caution, what you are willing to put into and what they think it's worth to them is totally two different things.

Why is it that we don't get upset when a cup of coffee does not make itself, but we might get upset if someone else does not make us a cup of coffee? Where do we get the sense of power to think that merely expecting others to behave the way we want them to will make them behave that way? And what entitles us to get angry at other people when they fail to meet our expectations?

It's not about how people will act it's about how they will react and not everyone will react in the same way. Participation is voluntary so you are better off not to set the bar to high.

Source: CCO License/Pixabay

My research on moral psychology tells me that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their own heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a "deal" in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when he or she doesn't know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, Mary Schaefer writes about how she listened to a friend's problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.

If people look hard enough this is what a bloggers hobby looks like. We tend to think there is a implicit social contract that if I followed them they'll follow me, it's a non verbal expectation of give and take, expectations of a deal never talked about. In the end though very few people, very few, even fewer when money is involved, will actual follow you. I am the same way, out of the dozens of people I interact with on various blog pages there's very few I actually follow, that if I don't see them around I know where I can go see where they are at, blogging relationships with those kind of expectations is extremely rare to develop.

Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment, or so thinks Dawn Sinnott: "By learning to not expect people to know what I want and need, I’ve learned to be much clearer in my communication. I don’t expect my husband to know why I’m pouting; I try to tell him why I’m upset."

At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to. Dawn Sinnott continues: "I don’t expect my children to know the house rules all the time; I am very clear when I remind them (even if it’s the 200th time [emphasis added])." Children's not conforming to parents' expectations seems to be a recurring theme. Note that one of the items on Marianne's list above was "Ever ask your teen in the morning to do the dishes and come home from work and they’re not done?" This points to a second kind of social contract based on authority rather than the mutual reciprocity in a friendship. Parents assume that their children should obey their expectations because adults have the authority to run a household.

"Well, isn't it reasonable for parents to expect certain standards of behavior from their children?" you might ask. As the father to four sons, I would agree that we certainly should set standards for our children. Failure to do so would make you an irresponsible parent. But you should not expect that your children will follow those standards all the time. Did you follow your parents' expectations all the time? Has any child? Thinking that this will happen is unrealistic. The question is what to do when children do not follow the rules you have designed to help them keep safe, stay healthy, and grow to their potential. If you think that the answer is to get resentful and angry and to yell and threaten, you might want to consider other alternatives.

That's how I've managed to form a relationship with total strangers. I respect their opinions even if they are different from mine, I agree to disagree and start anew another day, I learn from their knowledge and I acknowledge to them how much challenge they provide for me in life, I tell them how much joy them bring to me and I show them I care when I don't see them and go looking to see if they are okay. If I didn't engage with them about how I feel they wouldn't know how to take me at times, that can make or break blogging relationships.

You may have noticed that several times in this post I have distinguished between realistic and unrealistic expectations. That distinction is so important that Steve Lynch writes "The expression should actually be phrased as 'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments'". Believing that an unverbalized expectation will bring you what you want is magical thinking and is unrealistic. Expecting that doing what in the past has reliably brought about a result you want is realistic. Expecting others to do what is in your interest but not their interest is unrealistic. Expecting others to do what is in both of your interest can be realistic.

It is difficult to locate the exact origin of the slogan "Expectations are premeditated resentments," However, I do know why that slogan is popular in programs such as Al-Anon. Alcoholics and addicts tend to be so impaired by their substance abuse that they are unlikely to live up to anyone's expectations. Not having expectations for chemically-impaired persons is necessary for keeping one's own sanity. But I would say that the same is also true, not just for children, who are frequently unresponsive to expectations due to their immaturity and natural rebelliousness, but to all functioning adults as well. This is because each of us, as an adult, has our own desires and agendas. We want to do what we think is in our own best interest. If we expect other people to act in ways that are not consistent with their own interests, they will probably resist our expectations, leaving us resentful. Furthermore, the person is likely to resent you, too (see Jeff Kesselman's comment on resentments). After all, how do you feel when people expect you to do things that are inconsistent with your own goals and values?

Let go of expectations, find something to be grateful about even when things do not turn out the way you hoped, and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.

Source: CCO License/Pixabay

This is where I am at with this, I am content being a blogger even if I don't make a million dollars (lol) but I already knew this, I already knew that despite the chance of making money I still couldn't lose because it was something I liked to do. Somewhere along the line of life I learned to let go of expectations that could lead to premeditated expectations that could lead to resentment I just never knew there was a term for it.

CCO License/Pixabay
Source: CCO License/Pixabay

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

If not, it can't be helped.

(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

In closing this would be my message to the higher ups pushing and, at times, punishing people for not contributing what they consider "quality" material. I couldn't find a better message to send them even if I tried. There are so many different people working so hard on their own level contributing what's the best they can offer, so many emotions, so many dreams let them all thrive at the best of their ability. I hope there's been something for everyone in this token of philosophical insight, though the only expectation I have set for myself at this time is that I'd feel better about reinforcing my thought process about my time spent on here, anything more than that would definitely be a expectation of premeditated resentment. (lol)

Article by: John A. Johnson Ph.D.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cui-bono/201802/the-psychology-expectations