Nip It In The Bud

 

Okay, so, first off... I think it's funny how some people think the phrase is "Nip It In The Butt." I mean, c'mon, that's just hilarious. In fact, just about anything involving the butt is practically guaranteed to generate a smile, a chuckle, or a full on LOL. Funny has many layers ("like an onion" if you are a Shrek fan), but overall, asses are absolutely mirthful.

The fact that "humerus" is the name for a bone in your arm and not the fat on your Juicy Double is one of humanity's cruelest jokes.

Oh look... I've digressed before I've even started. Neat!

Anyway...

Knowing how and when to "nip something in the bud" is a skill we acquire over time. We certainly aren't born with it. Action or inaction, decided quickly and resolutely prior to an anticipated outcome, is something we learn that we can do, based on prior experiences. In the negative, we "See Where This Is Going", because it's likely we've seen something similar before, and we stop it. When we don't, and it goes someplace we dislike, we store that bit of truth for "next time." In the positive, we "See Where This Could Go" and we put a stop to something that might prevent it.

We all want to be happy. (Though some people seem to thrive on unhappiness, but that's a whole other series of posts to be sure.)

But we live with the toxic, absurd belief that happiness comes from outside of our selves, when it totally, like, DOESN'T.

This is obviously not a new concept. (In reality, I'm sure 99.99% of what i write is no surprise to anyone at all.) The wise among us know that happiness does not come from without. Depending on others, or inanimate objects for happiness is a fool's errand.

We still do it.

And we're still unhappy.

Observing ourselves - paying attention not just to what we feel, but what we THINK about what we feel - is the way to combat the happiness-is-out-there fallacy.

If I'm angry, it's not enough to say I'm angry and acknowledge it. It's a good start, but here has to be an AND.

"I'm angry that someone cut me off in traffic. They are going to kill somebody, or damage this car I just bought, which has made me happy. What a nice way to start the day, you a$$hole!"

AND?

If you don't answer the And, your anger is going to continue to make you unhappy. Might even lead to actions that, if they don't make you dead, will at least make you more unhappy.

"I'm angry that someone cut me off in traffic... AND, that's a negative emotion that I need to control, otherwise it will have a negative impact on my life."

That's How You Think About How You Feel. Now, in addition to being aware of your anger and taking pause, you are taking stock of what that anger can or might do to your wellbeing and can move to protect it. You can start an inner negotiation for your happiness.

The moment you feel the anger - and don't try to NOT feel it, because feelings are feelings, one cannot just "turn them off" - you can take the extra step to face how you think about that anger, and what it can mean.

By doing so, the negative consequences of your anger - unhappiness - are "nipped in the bud".

This is an exercise in acknowledging the anger as close as possible to when you feel it, and find the opposing force to it - the force that will quell the anger and lead to happiness instead. Finding and using the "opposing forces" doesn't involve a lot of effort, really. (The work is in developing the discipline to think about your feelings as quickly as possible... everything after that is much easier. Over time, you might even stop reacting with anger at all. How's THAT for finding happiness!?)

What are some "opposing forces" to anger, rage, resentment?

How about Love?

Maybe Compassion?

Now, you're talkin' happiness-seeds, that will grow no buds you need to nip.

"...I can remember one time when I cut someone off in traffic... my mind was on my mom's surgery. Or was it my last day of work before the layoff? I was just really preoccupied with some difficult stuff, and I didn't pay attention. I felt pretty embarrassed when i realized what I did, too..."

Look! You just humanized an "asshole," and in the process, replaced your anger with compassion (because the logical next statement might be "maybe that guy's got something going on too...").

And you can see there's perhaps a little humility in there to boot (see yesterday's post on holding all others superior).

Need another example? How's this:

"I'm feeling proud of my accomplishment, but nobody is acknowledging me! Nobody values me at all!" Abandonment, anger, sadness.

AND?

"AND, honestly, there's always more I can learn; I mean look at Janet over there - I bet she could have done what I did, in half the time. And sometimes she never gets any credit at all! I'm cool with this, and I love myself for my accomplishment. And maybe my friendship with Janet means I can learn even more..." Value of self. Value of a friendship. Humility and a sense of wonder that there's more that can come from what is already a positive accomplishment. Happiness.

Or this:

"I love that new car, and I'm ready to buy it! I bet I'll drive around a little more worried though, that someone's going to scratch it or steal it..."

AND? What do you THINK about that little nagging worry you just mentioned? What do you think might happen with that? If you're the type of person that might have such a worry upon buying a brand new car, you are denying yourself some happiness if you don't counter it, early on.

"...AND, the more I worry, the less happy I am. AND, I have quite a bit that I struggle not to worry about, as it is. And when I think about how much gas it uses compared to my old one, yikes. AND, you know what? I think I like the color of that used one over there a little more, and it already has a couple dings, so who cares when it gets a few more, right?" Release. Relief, freedom from attachment. Happiness.

Counter the attachment to the object with reasons why it might be undesirable. Do it until the emotion that is destined to make you unhappy is negated. Do it as soon as you feel it. Already bought the car? It's never too late to sell it and get something that will be as it was meant to be in your life - a tool for getting place to place, not a source of worry.

Learning how to do that means developing a discipline... it's not enough to be aware of your emotions; I mean, it's a step in the right direction, compared to those that are totally driven by them with no thought in the world, but it's not enough if you are looking to change your happiness level.

It's about more than just weighing pro's and con's, it's an all-out battle for your happiness. You can win each time, if you nip the negative stuff in the bud.

If you're unhappy, you've got something, somewhere, to nip in the bud.

Find it and get the clippers.

And let's leave butts out of it, yes?

Be well.