Differences | Self Reflections

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"Fuck wrong with everybody?" is what you sayin'
But if everybody's crazy, you're the one that's insane
-Jay Z

There are times when we feel everyone is wrong and we are in the right. I've felt that way too. Sometimes, this is true; other times, it isn't. We always have to search ourselves lest we become self absolved.

My Story

For a long time in my life, I always felt different. It started as a single feeling, like a strange aroma in the air. It soon consolidated into a cloud and before I knew it, it was who I am.

When it first started, I didn't think much of it. I mean, we're all different in our own ways. But soon, I was forced to see myself and relate with others from the standpoint of my differences.

With that kind of approach, it didn't take long for me to cultivate a Me Vs Them attitude to life. I was different, I was unique, I was me. Within a short while, I became so absolved in myself that I saw nothing that connected me with others.

The problem with highlighting differences

When we become self absolved in our differences, we begin to think we are more different and apart than we really are. Of course, these differences can be legitimate.

In my case, for instance, I grew up in a deeply religious home. My parents were strict disciplinarians who prevented me from having contact with my immediate society. I practically grew up alone. In my forced solitude, I craved and enjoyed the companion of books and abstract arts.

By the time I would interact with the outside world, I realised my view to life was different from almost everyone's else. My value system was different. My interests were out of this world. There I was, a young man who enjoyed poetry, fiction, philosophy and unpopular music.

On the flip side, everyone was into fashion, movies and gadgets. Young boys and girls were falling in love. Everyone knew names of great football players and actors and pop musicians. Words that were foreign to me were everyday slang. I was a fish in a forest.

We really aren't different

I'm in my mid twenties and it hurts that it took me this long to understand certain things about life. One of those things I have come to understand is that we really aren't so different. Allow me to explain myself.

First all, we are all similar in the sense that we are all different. Our unique differences are what make us similar. After all, we all come from different backgrounds with different experiences while growing up. Our differences should not make us feel so widely apart.

Even more, the problem with 'being different' stems from the idea we have to fit in. In this case, any of two things happen. We either collapse our uniqueness to blend in with popular opinion. Or we sloth away and crawl into a shell. The latter was what I did.

I was so consumed with the thought that I couldn't fit in that I even stopped reaching out to people. My conversations became mechanical; I only said things that I thought people expected to hear.

It wasn't long before I ran out of touch with my emotions. After all, I was sure I could never express myself the right way. I slowly became of figment of my bright sensitive self.

"Fuck wrong with everybody?"

The more I cultivated the habit of withdrawing from people and surpressing my thoughts and emotions, the more I lost touch with myself. Before long, I didn't even know how to relate anymore. My jokes were forced. My laughter was fake. I would say a compliment and it sound like an insult.

Rather than work on myself, I was convinced that the problem was with everyone else. "They would never understand me", I often told myself. I was different. I was unique.

At that point, all efforts to make me see the reality of who I had become were interpretated as attempts to make me blend in. I viewed people who expressed their emotions as soapy and mushy. I viewed those who often spoke up as rude and showy. Everyone who wasn't me was in the wrong.

Thankfully, I stumbled on a book a few months ago. I'm an avid reader. I practically live a solitary life so there isn't much to take my time. The book is titled The Peter Pan Syndrome by Dr. Dan Kiley. I skimmed through and dropped it.

Recently, I've been rereading and applying insights from the book. It's a gradual process but I think I'm getting better.

I don't know how to end this piece at this point. I guess it is more revealing than I wanted it to be.

Thanks for reading

Blessings