Mind Mush

For anyone interesting in observing the inner workings of another human mind, the following is one of my clumsy attempts at trying to transfer my lived experience in the moment onto the screen of my laptop.

8:02pm - I realise that for the true signal of what I am trying to say to come out, I have to be very much in the moment with what is going on. It seems that shenever I back trakc to say som . . . Hmm, Okay this is much harder than I thought. It seems like when I imagine that I am talking to someone my ability to process seems to slow down and my expression gets really mumbly.

8:04pm - I have to stay in the moment and focus very clearly on what is happening right in front of me.

8:05pm - Okay one thing that seems to be constantly presenting itself in the front of my mind is that I . . . I've stopped myself because I can see that narrative structure that I was going to use to finish that sentence leads to a dead end. I have been down that particular path enough times to know that It doesn’t take me to where I want to go.

8:16pm - I formulate life as a problem to be solved. This is a lesson that I gained when I very first started learning mathematics. If you can effectively frame something as a problem which you can answer, then you gain an adaptive advantage. But this tool seems terribly insufficient for venturing into the realms of experience that poetry and art best do best to describe.

8:29pm - Write what’s true for you at the moment. That’s what I am learning from this mess.

8:30pm - I wonder if re-digesting the ideas that come out of my mind is a good idea. As I ponder this I have a vivid image of eating my own shit which tells me that It might not be something that I want to do . . . But as I travel further I see that there’s utility in smelling what you’re putting out so that you can change what you choose to put inside yourself.
Maybe, I am a cow with many stomachs, who needs to digest things multiple times for them to be fully processed. I think this question is something I will chew on for a long time to come.

8:36pm - I’m really having trouble keeping up with the changing that are happening in my mind. It feels like my mind is changing its a quality in a way that is seperate from its quantity. . .

8:37pm - I wonder if I need to say what I am saying cryptically.

8:38pm - It’s seems like when I get high that the voices in my head that lay down the law. get a great deal quieter. It also makes me very reluctant to do anything risky. I feel free to do what ever I want, but all I want to do is lay my head down and rest, but instead I’m sitting here uncomfortable at a desk . . . Okay. So, I moved to the couch now.

8:41pm - notice just now, that I have come to the conclusion that I need to send my ideas out with love and passion.

8:42pm - I notice that I am off-beat. I am still trying to write things that are from the past. I think of something and then attempt to write it afterwards, but only stitched together from memories.
I think this is because I have a resistance to reliving the emotional experience of what I went through. I feel afraid to bring it back online. Feeling things in the present seems strangely different than feeling things from the past, I think mostly because . . . —As I read this back the next day I see that these last few sentences don’t quite hit home. The signal that I am hearing through all the noises says to me “The memories that we hold are incomplete, we aren’t hearing them in their true forms”. I laugh from the idea that listening to our past thoughts holds little use if our past thoughts were mostly non-sense.—

8:47pm - Okay I think I have to share my experience only from the present otherwise things get pretty messy. It seems like this whole post has been me falling into this trap and then trying to start over again.

8:56 pm - Okay back in present moment now. I have been notice great resonance with the metaphor that my head is an antenna that is tuning into the present moment. And thus each time I rethink one of my ideas it gets rewritten on-top of the parts of my brain that are experiencing the memory in real time. The more times I repeat this process the more noise from every moment seems to seep in. It seems like I have done my best to limit my experience to only the ideas that I wish to focus on for the very reason of decreasing the ambient noise in the moments that I wish to be recalled at a later date.

9:02pm - Thoughts seem to come and go, ideas that we invest in come closer to us as they come into our experience but like a passing comet they soon will pass. If we try hold onto them for to long we will be left empty handed and upset/

9:26pm - Here is me, not writing the thought that I came back to my laptop to write. The moment passed, I was experiencing it in my head rather than through my fingers, and now it has left my skies and has rocketed off to the distant reaches of space.