I live in Hamburg :)
You say that you are currently taking medication. Hence my question. You probably know that the antidepressants - I don't know the other drug - can lead to numbness. Did you already have the numbing feeling before taking the drug? As far as this numbness is caused by the medication, but you are taking it because you feel better with it than without it, this is, in my view and experience, a protection against what you will feel if you do not take it. You may also be familiar with the theory that the drug relieves the symptom, right? I am in no way educated to judge or evaluate the medication, you should discuss this with a doctor qualified to do so or read a lot of literature about it from different sources. What I do know from experience reports, however, is that balancing the inner emotional world - to avoid extreme feelings - has this effect of damping and this causes suffering in some people. So the question would be: How long do you take the medication without an accompanying therapy (whatever form that would be)? In my counselling sessions I have met people who have been taking pills for several or even ten years, but unfortunately have not taken advantage of a support group, therapists or other help. They were not well off.

From this point of view the anaesthetic can be seen as a protection, don't you think? I am asking you intentionally about your will, because it has a lot to do with how you can look at your medication and its effects, in a different way, as I tried to convey in my text above. Does that make sense to you?

My personal view and experience with depression is the following: The things that seem so terrible in an acute phase are ephemeral. I can't really name a moment, it's more of a process that can be seen as a kind of theatre play, which in my case started with a dramatic scene and then, after this introduction, extended over a main part that took a lot of energy to a finale that was more of a quiet ending. I have worked very, very hard on myself and basically still do it all the time, but now in a state of more calmness, serenity and confidence. What I thought I had already realised five years ago reappears and I laugh and think: oh, I thought I already knew that. I believe that this is how I will always feel.

By structure, I don't mean a nine to five job, but simply a reliable way to go about your normal everyday life. If you can do this better on your travels than in a permanent job, better than in your country of origin, then that is your current structure.

Crises can be seen as opportunities. I definitely see them as such.

P.S. this loneliness. I think it's quite normal. I believe all people do feel alone. Maybe that could be something you could track.