RE: "Truth is a liar's invention." A Reading for happy Skepticism.
Hard to say without asking you too many personal questions here. From my own and others' experience I can say that something like depression (if it should be one) wants to be lived through.
How is your sleep? Can you sleep, that is, all night long? And is your eating behaviour normal compared to what you consider normal? Are you on any medication? Do you have a reasonably regular daily rhythm, something that gives you structure?
What media are you attracted to? Do you watch things that make you brood?
On a scale of 1-10 (1= very distant, 10 = very close/warm), how is your contact with your family? Has someone from your circle of friends or family died?
You said you lost a love relationship and accepted losses at work. Those are painful experiences. Is it possible that the deafness occurs because you have not yet really explored these experiences in depth or started researching what you want to learn from these experiences?
You don't have to answer these questions here, they are just for checking. This is the kind of thing a family doctor would ask, at least here in Germany. Or maybe, my doc would.
Although this article points out the futility of reasoning in the present moment, I think you can look at the painful experiences when the time is right.
If it is a crisis or a depression, there is a very good chance that you will get better. These things take time, it's good to make you a friend of your crisis, not to fight it. I had my lowest point fourteen years ago, it was a hard work at first, which then became easier and easier, until I found much joy in devoting myself to subjects of personal maturity.
Local support groups are also a very good idea. They are always and everywhere underestimated.
Last question: If you look at the numbness as something which protects you. What form, shape, character, color would it have? In what dose would you allow yourself to wake up, in percentage?
I wish you from my heart all the best with this.
Do you live in Germany where? I'm in Berlin right now !!
Damn, my story is a bit long but also very banal. I can tell you that I have suffered from chronic headache for a very long time and this clearly did not help, I took a lot of drugs for this, I was often tired, I was disturbed by light and noise, and doing a lot of physical activity and efforts of various kinds made my condition worse state. Then there were pains in the shoulder and back (probably due to sports injuries such as volleyball and boxing !!). So I stopped doing sports and I started trying to heal myself, I say "try" because no doctor or physiotherapist managed to help me, but everyone told me I was depressed ... of course I was depressed: I could no longer do what I wanted! I went to different psychologists at different times, but none made me feel better. And I still take anti depressants and anxiolytics to sleep !!
The structure you are talking about, I broke it on purpose: my partner and I have been traveling, as digital nomads for almost three years and this has given me many emotions and above all the physical pains have diminished.
I am alone, I don't have a family, certainly some dear uncle, but mom and dad are dead and I have no brothers or sisters. But I've had this partner since 10 years and a lot of friends that I love. Despite this I feel very alone and I suffer from abandonment syndrome (everyone tells me this!).
I don't understand when you say that depression often wants to be experienced.... I don't feel numbness as something that protects me, I hate it, I seem to be in a deep hole and nobody feels me.
Nice to write you, do you mind?
I live in Hamburg :)
You say that you are currently taking medication. Hence my question. You probably know that the antidepressants - I don't know the other drug - can lead to numbness. Did you already have the numbing feeling before taking the drug? As far as this numbness is caused by the medication, but you are taking it because you feel better with it than without it, this is, in my view and experience, a protection against what you will feel if you do not take it. You may also be familiar with the theory that the drug relieves the symptom, right? I am in no way educated to judge or evaluate the medication, you should discuss this with a doctor qualified to do so or read a lot of literature about it from different sources. What I do know from experience reports, however, is that balancing the inner emotional world - to avoid extreme feelings - has this effect of damping and this causes suffering in some people. So the question would be: How long do you take the medication without an accompanying therapy (whatever form that would be)? In my counselling sessions I have met people who have been taking pills for several or even ten years, but unfortunately have not taken advantage of a support group, therapists or other help. They were not well off.
From this point of view the anaesthetic can be seen as a protection, don't you think? I am asking you intentionally about your will, because it has a lot to do with how you can look at your medication and its effects, in a different way, as I tried to convey in my text above. Does that make sense to you?
My personal view and experience with depression is the following: The things that seem so terrible in an acute phase are ephemeral. I can't really name a moment, it's more of a process that can be seen as a kind of theatre play, which in my case started with a dramatic scene and then, after this introduction, extended over a main part that took a lot of energy to a finale that was more of a quiet ending. I have worked very, very hard on myself and basically still do it all the time, but now in a state of more calmness, serenity and confidence. What I thought I had already realised five years ago reappears and I laugh and think: oh, I thought I already knew that. I believe that this is how I will always feel.
By structure, I don't mean a nine to five job, but simply a reliable way to go about your normal everyday life. If you can do this better on your travels than in a permanent job, better than in your country of origin, then that is your current structure.
Crises can be seen as opportunities. I definitely see them as such.
P.S. this loneliness. I think it's quite normal. I believe all people do feel alone. Maybe that could be something you could track.
well, first of all I would like to reassure you that I am regularly followed by a neurologist and psychiatrist, and therefore the medicines I take are under control and I absolutely stopped making changes on my own initiative (once I tended to do it). I started taking antidepressants I was sad, I lived in a bubble and cried for no visible reason. I'm better with the drug, we made attempts by lowering the dosage but there is no good reaction on my part, that is, I go back to the hole, maybe you say that I should stay in the hole and face it? but that's what I tried to do before I was prescribed drugs. and I was in a terrible mood and it lasted not a short time.. psychological therapy I tried to do it, I changed 4 psychologists, but I didn't find any benefit.
thanks for listening so much