Part 1 ....this pain is too much...Sharing my pain and self healing can help someone else....

I love the social networking place that shall not be mentioned....and I have and do spend alot of time there as I have real friends and community there and I tend to post there frequently deeply honestly and unashamedly.

Ive just been on a big self healing journey
Going from horrendous pain to virtually none and without medical intervention.....and i shared it all on social media...in part as a journal for myself but also to prove to others that there are so many other ways of healing ones self.

And then a friend said why arent you sharing it on steem.

So i thought why not.....So here it is
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Part 1 of a successful healing journey....
Written 3rd february...
Ill post the remainder over next few days...

Social networks...a place where we only show the best side of ourselves. Life....a place where we show the world what we want them to see and only share the truth with a few special people.

I read through my postings knowing very well I don't tell always tell the truth about what's going on with me but today it feels different. I'm not always happy and smiling.

Over the last couple of years I have been further breaking myself down to heal.
Having changed my mind and my sense of myself, I was able to change my life.
It was not easy.
It required going to some very scary places, letting go of my miserable identity, to do the one thing that frightened me the most, and step through to the other side being okay with the consequences. I did things most people wouldn't have the balls to do.

I had to do this to begin a process of healing, not only myself but relationships with people most closely entangled with me.

As I've travelled, I worked on opening my heart, beginning to learn old wisdom about chakras, which i thought were total toss in my old life.

I am still working on my heart, realising that the life i had had caused me to harden my heart, to protect myself, so not only did I not show myself love, I didn't show it very well to the most important people, my family and children.

Strangely I had the capacity of great love for friends and strangers but the way I showed love to the most important people was definately lacking. And I intend to change that. To heal the mistakes of my past.
I no longer live in the past but in the present, taking actions which i hope will improve the future for me and mine
But the past still lives in me.

I absolutely believe that all illness, all pain, all dis-ease is a manifestation of our beliefs and experiences.

Everytime we are afraid or tense, we hold tension in necks shoulders, and unless we learn how to let that go, our body remembers it, holds it in our physical matter.

The very language we use about our bodies tells us truths we fail to see.
When worried, we are sick to the stomach, relationships give us pains in the neck, being emotionally mistreated we seek solice in food, alcohol or drugs all affecting our bodies, inflexible bodies tend reflect inflexible personalities.
Everytime we breath in anxiety, fear, short and hot breath, we don't feed the vital air into the depths of our being, so slowly we suffocate the hundreds of thousands of delicate channels airating us and keeping us healthy and alive.

I've been learning alot about my body, what I do and dont do with it, especially breathing.

When I started to travel after 6 years of full on personal development, I wanted to let go of it all, finally and step into a new life. I journeled on my first day of travelling "i want to let go" and i did. In a very unexpected way. For over a year I shit my way round SE asia and asia. I picked up ameobic colitis, parasites and eventually dysentry. I literally let go of my shit. The universe provided.

I learnt more through Vipassana, hanging with nuns, being in Ladakh and getting more exercise, going to gym, my first trek so many experiments on myself and my mind-body connection.

These lessons led me to the Tibetan yak man in nepal. He began teaching me to actively be part of my healing. Learning to let go of physical pains, residues from a past I no longer live. Together we practised a dynamic form of massage with me an active participant in a usually passive activity. We are totally discouraged from being part of our healing, from understanding ourselves.

He Encouraged me To observe the pain, understand it, find connections within myself to other sensations, open up channels as everything is connected, to unblock, and then to breathe into it and breathe it out, to cleanse myself.

With the yak man anything out is a celebration, pooh, wind, burps, farts, sweat, tears, ooooh sooo beautiful he would say and my personal experience confirms this. Through this process i miraculously healed long term chronic knee pain and straightened my fingers and have released some triggering in my fingers. A powerful process was begun...
But he and I are not together and may never be again. And no one else I know knows what he did so I am finding alternatives way.

I have always had problems with my right shoulder/back/arm/wrist. All the accidents in my life are on this side, very Jungian. This then connects to my left leg, where I've recently had most intense pain in my ankle groin hip and lower back.

My research showed me the right is my masculine...aaaah...the strong side, the fighter, pragmatic, non emotional which has become over developed from so many years of being strong, fearful of the vulnerability and gentleness of being a woman in a life dominated by threatening men.

I still resist my feminie seeing it as a weakness and knowing for my feminine to rise, I must allow myself to let go of the strength I've held onto for so many years. I dont need it anymore. I'm no longer that person. Its time to Ease out all the tension and history held there in my back, which is the past.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been having a series of massages and with my broken thai been explaining with massuse what i want to achieve and she is helping me. To find connections, to release.

Working very much on groin area, which has been hurting for weeks,
I told a friend I feel a deep sadness in this area and a need to cry that will not come out.

Well 3 sessions of massage starting with clicky neck and shoulders and moving on to intensely working on groin to knee and hip areas seems to have done the job...which has kept me up most nights, all night, with a deep deep throbbing toothache, sharp stabbing and radiating down all the sinews in my thigh to my knees, so much pain, so much emotion....

And today I finally popped...

And with in 12 hours, I went from cheery festival glam to swollen, weeping crying. Interesting how easy It was to share the festival picture but not so easy to show the other side of myself puffed up, tired, emotional and in pain.

Releasing old emotions is emotional. Yesterday I was Deeply in my pain and sadness and grateful for the cleansing tears and release of old feelings trapped in my body causing me pain.
I wish I hadn't listened to people who told me not to cry. If tears come, I'm gonna let them come, i am going to cry this out, just as I shit it out as I am Grateful to be letting and gaining greater understanding of myself so I can heal my most important relationships.

I continuing with the massages and gonna be looking into something called (trauma release something or other, dunno but its all about the abdoman and pelvic area where i know my emotions are stuck) and family constellations again. The most life changing process I ever took part in. The work is not done because the journey isnt over, because I am still alive.

This is not a sad posting but a celebration

We learn more in our pain, sadness and fear than we ever will in our joy and happiness.

The thing you most resist is the place where you will learn, grow, change and transform...