#falselyaccused

#falselyaccused
As someone with some experience in mediation and dispute resolution, I feel confident stating that such activities, assuming you want to achieve a positive change, requires mutual expression of perspectives. Once one side has been respectfully heard, the other side gets to speak. And doing so should not be seen as or used to discount the other party’s perspective. We have to share our experiences. Good and bad.

Reading some of the perspectives shared by some women has shifted my perspective and I hope has made me more sensitive to the female experience in today’s society. I am not trying to make light of or diminish the #metoo movement at all, but wish to expand and continue the dialogue. It is possible it was never intended as a dialogue, but more as an intervention, or shaming exercise. If so, then it is not a positive or effective method of achieving wide scale societal change.

One of the take aways I got from reading about some of these experiences, is that many women hesitate to bring forward their claims after being assaulted due to a fear of not being believed. This to me is horrendous, and must be an incredibly debilitating feeling after being so egregiously violated. However such a thing does not exist in a vacuum, and there must be reasons for that fear.

I realize the law has its failings. I also believe that the requirement for there to be more than just an accusation prior to a judgment of guilt and application of punishment might fail many victims of assaults that happen in private, especially those of a sexual nature. I realize that the process of justice must be very difficult for such victims, and that seeking justice may interfere with the healing process, or exacerbate the harm they suffered. However, I also believe that doing away with that requirement would be a death knell of fundamental justice. It is a challenging balance to find.

Having spoken privately with a few men about this, I have found that there are many who have been falsely accused of sexual assaults and domestic abuse. And I am one of them.

I was living in Richmond Hill, and working a couple of jobs and going to night school, and looking at becoming an RCMP Officer. I shared a house with four others, one of whom was an exotic dancer at a club where I was a part-time bartender. One night, I was watching TV and she plopped down beside me, and grabbed my face and kissed me hard, with her tongue all down my throat. She was drunk, and I knew how she made money ‘on the side’, and I was repulsed. She invited me upstairs and I declined telling her she was too drunk and I wasn't interested. I then gargled Listerine for 15 minutes.

The next morning, she came to my room and flat out told me that if I did not agree to pay her rent for the next three months, she would accuse me of trying to rape her. She woke me up to this! I kicked her out of my room, and told her I needed to wake up before I could talk about this and to come back in five minutes. I took this time to put a tape in my boombox, and start recording. She came back and I got her on tape acknowledging that she kissed me, asked me to have sex with her, I declined, and nothing happened. I also got her saying no one would believe me, and that her accusations would hinder my ability to join the RCMP, and that she would not make those false accusations against me if I agreed to pay her rent for 3 months. She flat out agreed it was extortion, but there was nothing I could do about it. I told her I would think about it, and then went to work, came home and told her I was not going to agree to it. I then went to my night classes.

Well I come home, and all the roomies are in the living room, and she has told them I tried to rape her, and they had decided I had to leave and they were going to call the cops. I pulled out my tape and said “Oh yea, listen to this.” And then I played the tape. She tried to accuse me of breaking the law by taping her without her consent! I had limited understanding of the law, but knew enough to know I had every right to record a conversation in my own room especially where someone was trying to extort me. On the tape she clearly admitted it was a false accusation and agreed it was extortion. The roommates were horrified, especially the other female roomie. As she was behind on rent (it went up her nose) we voted to kick her out, and she was gone the next day. (She moved in with a bouncer at the club, and accused him of raping her three weeks later) If not for that tape, my life would have taken a drastic turn for the worse.

I also heard from men who have been punished and charged for accusations made concerning domestic violence, and how they were not believed while the woman automatically was. I have heard from men who felt they are denied parental rights due only to their gender, and were denied justice in family court.

If every one who has ever been falsely accused of either sexual assault or domestic violence, were to make that fact known, in the same way that others have shared how widespread assaults and abuses against them have been, we might start to see a larger picture of the societal challenges we face. And this is a necessary albeit difficult process. I know the #metoo movement was started by a celebrity, and gained a lot of traction for that reason, and I am just one unknown guy and that the percentage of false accusations is much smaller that the percentage of truthful ones. But they are still out there, and cause harm not just to those falsely accused, but to real victims of assaults as well.

So, if you have ever been falsely accused of sexual assault or domestic violence, please share this simple hashtag, so the scope of this problem can be better realized. #falselyaccused