My 5 Year Plan : Can I Survive This???

As far as having kids after I got married, I was on the five year plan. And once five years passed I was all, “Crap, can I even actually survive childbirth?” As in, legitimately LIVE through growing an alien-like creature and then the pain my body will experience in labor/delivery. It freaked me out. What I had failed to realize is that pregnancy and labor would be the least of my concerns. I always assumed I had a pretty good handle on the idea of what a parent was. But I never could grasp that it’s in fact the biggest life change EVER. It’s like BC and AD. It’s like Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. It’s like pre-Columbus sailed the ocean blue and America’s discovery. It’s earth shattering. Here’s a few things that make sense to parents:

1. Cramming 9 people into a pal’s Mini Cooper is less of a hassle than inviting friends to ride in our own large SUV or minivan for a night out.

Why? Because the five-point harness system ain’t gettin’ yanked. We would rather avoid profuse sweating whilst aggressively swiping the seats of Cheerios, old french fries, crushed animal crackers, and matchbox cars after lugging out the car seats so our non-parent friends don’t judge you for letting your kid have a french fry. Unless my friends weigh between 22 and 65 lbs and can squash themselves in the Graco, a trip with grown ups doesn’t happen in the Town-n-Country. Seriously though taking a car seat out and putting it back in your vehicle is the worst thing ever.

1. Peeing a little while sneezing or coughing post-giving birth is legit normal.

And it is so unfortunate. Watch every single woman who’s had more than two children when a sneeze or cough is trying to escape. We make sure to assume the position of Mr. Peanut right away.

1. Most Disney movies have horrible morals and values that I don’t actually want my kid(s) to live by.

But the 90 minutes of “stay-in-one-place-in-a-borderline-coma” style of entertainment it brings for them somehow justifies it. Sorta. Cruella calls everyone names from “Mongrals!” to “Idiots” and says “Shut up!” Sleeping Beauty is promoting a kiss as the definition of true love. Ariel is condoning the emancipation of minors. Aladdin is a liar and a thief. Don’t DO any of those things, kids. Just watch it so Mommy can sweep the floors, k?

1. The saying “you won’t understand until you have kids.”

It’s actually a fact, not an opinion.

1. Your parents.

We find some semblance of sympathy for our parents once we become one. We all of a sudden understand (some of…maybe even most of) their fears, decisions, choices, and love for us. It’s very strange. But the whole concept of no dating until 25 doesn’t seem so far fetched.

1. Dora is SO annoying.

Dora.

That’s right.

She’s annoying.

Now, say it in Spanish.

Dora es molesto.

Very good!

In fact, let’s ask anyone if they agree. Besides children 5 and under, I can’t think of any humans who like Dora.

1. Brain cells disappear.
   Especially for moms. I’m slightly convinced that portions of my brain cells are actually transferred to my children through delivery. That must be the case. Right? They’re so smart, so can I take the credit for that? I just keep feeling dumber and dumber as I attempt to keep our schedule organized, our house maintained, my children’s names straight for goodness sake. And I only have two kids!? Things are going to get real dicey if/when we have more. God help us all.