Freudian Slip

Trigger Warning; This post contains themes of incest and sexual molestation.

So I have this recurring Freudian slip. It happens when I say 'brother'. I sometimes say 'boyfriend' instead. For example, when someone asked me who was going to be my sister's bridesmaid, I said my boyfriend's girlfriend instead of my brother's girlfriend. I'm lucky people don't realise the cause of this reoccurring tongue slip.

I think the cause of it is the fact that my brother molested me between the ages of 12 and 15. I would like to add that he is three years older than me. It really started way before I was 12 actually, I think he first showed me porn films when I was about 8. One day, when I was 12, he started tickling me and encouraged me to tickle him back. Then he grabbed my hand and put it down his trousers and on his penis. After that he would always get his penis out when we were alone together and he would beg me to touch it. I said repeatedly how much I did not want to and I wished he would stop pestering me. Then, when I was 15, I woke up from a nap to discover he had lifted up my t-shirt and bra and was caressing my breasts. I was absolutely horrified. When he realised I was awake he pulled my t-shirt down and ran off. I remember my nipples felt so sore where he had been rubbing them.

I didn't get the courage to tell my parents until I was 17 years old. I could not keep it inside anymore and I spilled my guts out. My brother denied it of course. My mum tried to be sympathetic but my father lost his shit. He called me a liar and said that if I went to the police I would get locked up for being insane. It's much nicer to believe that your daughter is a liar than to believe your son is a monster.

I did not go to the police. If my parents didn't believe me, why would they. I tried to take my own life. I took a whole bunch of paracetamol and washed it down with lager. I changed my mind halfway through and vomited them back up by sticking my fingers down my throat.

I just thought 'why should I die? I didn't do anything wrong'.