Bad Love

Six months ago I ended an eight year relationship. It was not a healthy relationship.

I wish to share some of my sex trauma.

The first time I made love with my ex, it was uncomfortable.

He had a large penis which would painfully hit my cervix in certain positions. He also liked to lift up my legs until my thighs ached and he was obsessed with stretching my anus.

The first time I made love with my ex, I verbally told him I didn't like it. He told me it was wrong of me to tell him that. It was not my place to tell him how to do it.

I never criticised his technique again, I would just grimace through the pain.

This one time, during the first year of our relationship, we were having sex in his flat. He was stretching my anus with his fingers but this time is was much more painful than usual. I was mentally willing him to finish quickly. After what felt like an excruciatingly long time, he finally did and I rushed to his bathroom.

I sat on the toilet, I was feeling very faint and I was trembling. My ex followed me into the bathroom to wash his hands.

I moved my thighs to look into the toilet basin and was shocked to discover it full of blood. My blood. From my anus. I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and held it to my anus to stem the blood trickling out of it. The blood soaked straight through the paper to my fingers. My vision started to fade into darkness and I was convinced this was how I was going to die. I feebly asked my ex to get help. He told me I was fine, it was just shock, and the bleeding would cease soon. My vision started to return and, as advised, the flow of blood eased up.

I felt a surge of relief. I was not going to die sat on the toilet bleeding to death just because I was too scared to tell my boyfriend what was painful during intercourse. I had instead experienced what is called an anal fissure.

Eight years later and I'm not fully healed though. I now have a weakness in my anus where the scar tissue is and It reopens when I have a large bowel movement. No more anal sex for me!