Chapter Thirty Five - Louis Berry's Novel - Erstwhile

Chapter Thirty-Five

It was late afternoon and Richard sat on the porch, gazing out over the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Just as the storeroom had become his hell, this had become his sanctuary. He was in the same spot as twenty-four hours earlier, except that he had an emotional clarity like never before. Susan moved around the house and he watched her whenever she entered his sight. He looked at her in a manner that he had not done in years. The clarity he enjoyed made everything around him seem more beautiful. Her beauty was perpetual and he had found the key to maintaining this vision of his wife. External forces, no matter how troubling, had become insignificant.
Susan did not share the same freedom from the burdens of her life, past and present. Clothes had to be packed, as did the silverware and dishes. Richard told her that they were not in a hurry to leave. They had no-where to go, nor a deadline to meet. Nervous energy kept her going, but more importantly it kept her from having to face her husband. He had done everything he could. It was up to her. He may not have been sure what the future held, whether he and Susan would be together, but he was sure that she needed to come to terms with everything that had gone wrong in their lives.
Susan made her way into the guest bedroom. The picture of her and Courtney was still on the nightstand. She walked over and picked it up. There was nothing special about it. Her indifference may have been a result of knowing that she hurt her husband by keeping such mementos. She moved over to the dresser against the wall and stood between it and the foot of the bed and opened the top drawer; reached in below some holiday table cloths and removed the ring that at one time had been taped to the back of the picture. Was her physical indiscretion a worse sin against her marriage or the harboring of feelings for someone she once loved? Maybe that question should be put to Richard.
She placed the ring on the back of the picture and pulled the tape that dangled from the cardboard, back over, securing it in place, then leaned over toward the edge of the dresser and dropped them both into a trashcan on the floor. Susan walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, fell backward and stared at the numbers projected onto the ceiling by the alarm clock. The last time she lay on this bed there was a strange man on top of her. It was only sex, she thought; justifying her actions. If it was only sex, she couldn’t hold Richard’s indiscretion against him. Why was it so easy for her to dismiss allowing a man other than her husband to per-form carnal acts on her, yet it drove her out of her mind to know that another woman had done the same with her husband? There was something that her father told her long ago, when she was a young girl entering puberty. He said, ‘Susan, sex can be the ugliest act between human beings, or it can be the most beautiful, passion-ate expression of one’s love.’ Maybe it was time for her to understand what he meant. Her affair lacked passion. She knew that, and never expected it. Sex with Richard was always passionate. It may have become repetitive at times, but whenever they were together their souls be-came one.
Susan lay on the bed watching the numbers change, but not really measuring time. She understood that she had used sex as a weapon. Richard upset her. He was the one who had withdrawn from the relation-ship. He deserved everything that happened. Her irrational thoughts were caused by the lack of resolution. She desired clarity, but realized that such juvenile actions would not provide it.
If she forgave him, how could she be sure that he wouldn’t do it again someday? I guess he can ask the same question of me. Only he doesn’t know that I cheat-ed on him. The merry-go-round of thoughts that entered and exited her mind lead nowhere. Then it dawned on her. Richard had come clean to her the day before. His mind was at ease. He was willing to take the consequences and she should be too.
Susan sat up on the edge of the bed, stood, walked out of the guest bedroom and into the living room, where she saw her husband through the French door sitting on the patio. Her heart started to pound at the thought of having the conversation with him she realized would free her of the burdens she felt. Quickly, she changed directions and walked into their bedroom. Several times she allowed the thought, what Richard doesn’t know won’t hurt him, to creep into her mind. She chased it away each time, as quickly as it entered. It would do neither of them any good.
Boldly, Susan walked out of their bedroom, through the living room and onto the porch where he sat, looking out over the water. It was eerie how calm he appeared. There was a peace about him that some-how helped her feel at ease. Somehow she sensed that she could be brutally honest with him and it wouldn’t change how he felt about her in the least possible way. “Can we talk?” she asked.
“Always,” he said.
Susan pulled the ottoman that Richard had his feet propped up on away so that she could sit down. He drew his feet in toward his body and then placed them softly on the floor in front of the chair.  She sat down and leaned toward her husband placing her forearms on her knees. He leaned in toward her. Each had the full attention of the other.
Richard noticed that his wife’s eyes were blood-shot and tears were gathering on her lower eye-lid. It was confirmation of what he suspected. He had this conversation with women before, yet this time he was unusually calm and supportive. For the first time in his life his heart was totally devoted to someone, he knew it and it felt good. Richard rubbed his twitching eye and allowed his wife to begin when she was ready.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday. It wasn’t so much what you said but the point you made about being free of any burdens, and I need to unbridal myself of some things that I have been carrying around for years.”
“Okay,” Richard said calmly. Years, he worried.
She took a deep breath and blurted it out as quickly as her mouth would allow. “I cheated on you, too.” At first she looked him in the eye, but the pain of the confession was too much, so she closed her eyes, dropped her head and began shaking.
Richard placed his hand, gently on her shoulder. “It’s alright … really.”
The tears began to flow freely. She was very conciliatory and sad. The person she had become was unlike any other time in her life. No matter what similarities there were to her past, Susan was unable to grasp a vision of the woman she wanted to become. Richard waited patiently as she gathered her wits about her. “I was so angry with you. I thought you were having an affair with Talitha and picturing you with anyone, other than me, drove me out of my head.”
“I know how you feel,” he said. “Would you like to share with me how it happened?”
Susan looked at him through her tear filled eyes. “Do you really want to know?”
“If you don’t want to tell me, no; but if you think it will help me understand I’ll be happy to listen.”
There wasn’t anything significant that Richard needed to know about, but she knew that if she didn’t come totally clean she risked the complete resolution she sought. “This young man approached me on the beach and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, we were up here in bed together.”
Richard bristled at the thought of another man in his house making love to his wife. It was hard to contain the burning feeling in his gut, but he had to for the sake of his relationship. This was a test of his new out-look on life. He had to shake it off and show Susan that he supported her, and that their relationship was bigger than any obstacle that presented itself.
“You seem very calm. Doesn’t it bother you that I cheated on you?”
“What do you want me to do, yell and scream? I can tell you from experience that doesn’t work.” He paused. “To answer your questions, yes, it does bother me, but what’s worse is that we both allowed our relationship to get to that point before we decided to communicate with one another.” Richard issued the obligatory warning against future flings. “I’m just happy that nothing serious happened to you.”
Susan was taken aback. The thought never crossed her mind. Her anger totally clouded her judgment and she had not realized just how much danger could have befallen her. She was reminded of another time when her cognitive abilities lapsed that she had yet to discuss with Richard. “I have something else I need to share with you.”
“Okay.”
“After I graduated from high school I began to work. I put off going to college for several years. As I had always done, I allowed others to influence me, and started using cocaine. It was the eighties and the thing to do if you were young and upwardly mobile, which I fooled myself into thinking I was. I worked very hard and made pretty good money. I was living at home so my expenses were minimal.” Susan went overboard with her explanation. She saw him beaming so brightly that it caused her to ask, “Why are you smiling like that?”
 “You are the only woman I have known, that I have truly known.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “I could not be more proud of, more impressed with, or more in love with, anyone.”
 The couple fell into each other’s arms. The em-brace lasted for several minutes. She whispered, “You love me warts and all?”
 “I love all of you.”
 Susan leaned back, out of the embrace, and asked, once again, “Are you sure none of this bothers you?”
 “Of course it bothers me, but you and I being together forever is much more important than anything or anyone that tries to come between us. We all make bad decisions in life and to have them held against us is wrong, and I would never do that to you.” As he spoke, Richard reflected on the thoughts that clouded his mind for so long. “I’ve never had a healthy appreciation for the women in my life, and it showed. I want to make sure you know how much I appreciate you.”
 Susan knew of no better way to express her feelings than to launch herself, once again, into his arms. They embraced for several more minutes until he decided to slide his hands down her back and gently caress her bottom. Richard gripped firmly with his left hand and slid his right up, settling it in the middle of her back. Slowly he pulled her into him. The two engaged in a long, slow, deep kiss.
 He leaned back and looked into her eyes. “I want to show you how much I appreciate you.”
 She smiled. “How?”
 Richard stood, took Susan by the hand and led her through the living room and into their bedroom. It was a room that, for so long, had been filled with anxiety bordering on hostility. The ethereal energy between them gave it more of the feeling of a sanctuary, a place where they could shield themselves from the distractions that could cause a man or woman to forget the other. He wanted to cleanse the impurities that prevent-ed them from having the strongest emotional bond possible. The only way to accomplish this would be to bring their emotional and physical senses to convergence, forsaking all other selfish desires.
 Susan sat on the foot of the bed, with Richard’s guidance. He stood over her. They looked longingly in-to each other’s eyes without uttering a word. Every-thing that had to be communicated was done in the most effective manner possible, from the heart. The atmosphere was one in which they learned every curve of the other’s body; how it felt to gently slide one’s hand across its surface. Their fingertips tingled as if they were reaching into the other’s soul. They were both nervous, as if it were their first time.  
 Richard leaned over and gently kissed his wife like he had not done in a long while. While their lips touched, he slowly began to unbutton her sleeveless Po-lo shirt, eventually pulling back from the kiss as he moved down to the final few buttons. He exposed her beautiful frame by sliding the opened shirt over her shoulders. Her white bra contrasted nicely against her tan skin. He leaned in for another kiss. Unsure of whether he should remove her shorts first or her bra, Richard hesitated before realizing that the bra would come off more quickly. The hook came undone easily and he held the male and female parts of the clasp in his hands. He opened the back of the bra widely and once again pulled away from the kiss. Susan held her arms out straight so that it could be readily removed. It was discarded onto the floor without a thought.
 He paused as he admired his wife’s beautiful body. Not a work of art had he ever beheld made him shiver with excitement like when he saw his wife in the state nature intended. A moment of doubt flashed quickly through his mind as he wondered whether she deserved better. He chased away that thought, choosing to focus on how to make this experience the most wonderful she had ever known.
 The tan-lines of her bathing suit plunged from her neck and opened around her nipple, framing her perfect breasts. Richard knelt on the floor, resting his butt on his heels as he admired every curve. Susan felt this admiration and gladly sat motionless. She was a willing model for the artwork of his soul.
 He gently took both of her hands in his own and offered the support she needed to stand. Richard then unbuttoned and unzipped her shorts, slowly. With a great deal of patience, he slid them gradually over her hips. Once they hit the floor, she stepped out and kicked them to the side. Carefully, he removed her panties in the same manner.
 Susan dare not move as she watched him admire every inch of her body. She had never felt so wanted. Her desire became overwhelming. She leaned over and gently took his hands in hers and helped him to stand. Without appearing too hasty, she unbuttoned his shirt. Once the last button had been opened, she stretched up and on her toes, grabbed the open collar of the shirt and tossed it over his shoulders. Richard wiggled his arms to allow it to fall away from his body and onto the floor. It was her turn to admire the man she loved more than life itself. His shoulders were strong and well defined. She slid her hands along his arms that were firm, choosing a more tactile method of admiration. Susan did not stop with his arms. She caressed his pectorals and abdomen gently for several minutes before moving her hands to his shorts. After she unbuttoned and unzipped them, she slid her hands inside the waste-band of his boxers. With one motion she removed both his shorts and underwear as she moved her hands across his full, athletic rear end. When his clothes hit the floor he kicked them to the side.
 She sat on the bed and leaned back, resting her weight on her hands that were propped onto the mat-tress. The man she saw in front of her was like no other she had known. She saw in his physique an original Olympian.
 Richard became self-conscious standing at attention, so he leaned forward and slowly forced her to lie backward onto the bed. She slid her body toward the headboard and he crawled over her, never touching her, just hovering and looking into her eyes and moving in unison with her.
 When they stopped, he moved to one side and lay on the bed next to her. He reached over and re-moved a scarf that she had tied to the bedpost at some point.
 “What are you doing?” she asked.
 Richard chose his words carefully. “Do you re-member that night on the beach when you performed a strip-tease for me?”
 She grinned, acknowledging that night.
 “You knew that watching you would heighten every sense that I have, and it did. All I want to do is the same for you.”
 “And how are you going to do that?”
 “I want to blindfold you.”
 “Oh no!” she responded. Her desire to always be in control would not allow her to submit to his wishes.
 “Hear me out, please.” Susan did not respond, so he continued, “I know that you, as a woman, are not as visual as I am. All I want to do is to remove your sense of sight so that your other senses are heightened.”
 The explanation of his intent made her senses tingle with anticipation. “Okay,” she said, somewhat reluctantly.

Gently, but firmly, Richard secured the scarf around her head and over her eyes. For several minutes Susan felt nothing, no touching, no kissing; nothing. Suddenly there was a cool gulf breeze blowing across her body; over and around her thighs, across her stomach and chest, neck and face. It tingled her nipples to the point of stimulation. She wasn’t quite sure, but she thought that Richard had opened the double French doors near the foot of their bed. They opened onto a deck that overlooked the beach.
Finally, she felt the strong touch of her husband. His hands firmly, but gently massaged her feet. Then he moved his undulating fingers to her calves. By the time he got to her hips Susan had totally given herself over to the experience. Richard massaged her hips so deeply that the sensation ran down her leg and into her toes. He moved his hands from her hips and onto her stomach and lifted them so that the only contact was be-tween her skin and his fingertips. Goosebumps covered every inch of her body. He smiled.
After focusing all of the attention he could to the front of her body, he rolled her over and began massaging her back. Every bit of stress and tension that had manifested itself in her body was gone. For what seemed like an hour, Richard magically massaged her back and buttocks, the backs of her thighs and her heels. She was so relaxed that she felt she would melt onto the sheets.
Gently, Richard rolled her onto her back. He did not want to disturb her heightened state of relaxation. When she came to rest on her back Susan reached up to remove the blindfold. He stopped her by gently holding her hand. She dropped her hands to her side. Richard admired her beautiful body once again. He appreciated how, when she laid down, her body took a different shape: a supple, hourglass.
In all the time that he spent caressing his wife, not once did he touch one of her erogenous areas. Yet as he looked over her body he could tell that she craved making love.
Love was what they made. For three days they did not leave their bedroom or bother to clothe them-selves. They knew that this would be their last opportunity to express their love for each other in such a pure-ly physical manner. Their time together gave them the opportunity to talk like they never had before. Not until then did Susan confess to her husband what the stained glass heart given to her by her father represented. It was offered to her on her fifteenth birthday as an appeasement for letting her down. That is when he confessed to her an extramarital affair resulting in his divorce from her mother. They found that they had struggled to over-come similar pasts. Their lives had been awkwardly parallel. The danger was that neither was certain how to guide the other toward a future that offered promise. Until that day neither had experienced the emotional bliss they craved. Making it last eternally remained their greatest challenge.