No Filter

Gaining depressing knowledge
Through a blade of ignorance
Trying to self-actualize
Catching interference

I chose this path
It's hard to believe
My own self
I do deceive

But you call me a liar
A liar to you
What did they once say
about rubber and glue?

I make mistakes
I create regrets
But I am not quitting
Not quitting yet

All I've ever wanted was to be independent
I feel like I'm a thirty-something dependent
A midlife crisis
Isn't supposed to last 3 years
So will I rise and slaughter my fears
Or collapse into a pile of tears?

Sometimes you must be gullible to find the real truth
A paradox I know
But when you learn lessons the hard way
You open the gates
To the path
That allows you to avoid learning other lessons

I am not a teacher
I thought I was
I am not a preacher
Never was

And if I delete you
Don't take offense
I'm living a life
That's far too dense
I still yearn for recompense
Let it go

Lessons are not always learned
And bridges are sometimes burned
When all I did was pour the gas
And toss the match
But I did not strike it

What really matters is that I write
Except when I do not
When I make excuses
But I really need to exercise more
I usually do neither

I just drink and think about a fucking way out
Out of this trap
This rat race

I did not light it
The urge within
I cannot fight it
I must accept it
I was already used
To being rejected
But this is something different
A battle between refinement and belligerence

My life is an experiment
But I'm terrible at science
I was hoping for something
More like Thoreau's self-reliance
Or at least a veritable defiance

I am a shame
A wreck
Gaining some self-respect
It doesn't sound like it
But I swear to you I'm legit

My confidence has been buried
Under the tongues of those who questioned it
Every time I build up my confidence
You slaughter it intentionally
Because you can see there's a tiny light at the end of my tunnel
A tiny light that is so bright
So much brighter than yours
But didn't they say not to go into the light anyway?
Isn't that where the demons and demigorgons are?

I'm trying to dig deeper this time
For my own sake
For my own sanity
I'm not looking for an audience anymore
At least not like this

I'm trying to dig
I'm trying to peel back all of the layers
I'm trying to figure out what has been bothering me
What has been stifling me for so long

But the truth is it really doesn't matter
I'm just trying to figure a way out of this trap
This rat race
This hell
But I keep repeating the same deleterious patterns
Drinking
Masochism
I am not the hundredth monkey
I am just a broken human

And I am proud
Oh so proud
Why not?
I know pride is lethal
But when I look at the proudest and most confident people
I feel I have a lot to be thankful for
Even if I am torn down and drunk
Because the proudest most successful narcissists
Are usually unintelligent pieces of shit
Who tell me they're better at everything I like and I like to do
Even if they know nothing about it

Fuck it I'm done
I'm done talking
Done talking for now