2/1/2018 - Haven't slept since Monday, because the nightmares are too horrible.
It's 2:21 in the morning, I can't keep both of my eyes open easily and the hallucinations from sleep deprivation, since I haven't slept at all since Monday night, are getting worse. It's kind of fun in a fucking depraved and disturbing way and it's a fuck load better than my nightmares.
The nightmares I've been having, the ones I remember, are fucking horrible. There's an unending stream of them and I feel like putting up with them is probably a better decision than staying up forever. I already had some pretty bad mental health and I'm doing this all right at the end of a mental breakdown. I've hit a state of something, I think psychosis, there's just these whispering fucks in my head right now and the occasional sleep deprived hallucination, like my hair being a giant spider on my head and my hands floating away in bits while I type. I don't think this will be permanent if I just get some damned sleep. Will keep updated.
As for the nightmares, I'm bordering almost being clinically anorexic and in one of the nightmares I died a slow and horrible painful death in front of my boyfriend. After waking from my death I found my mother was back to being alive and I was in a hotel with her and my friend Cole. She left quickly with the 12 other kids she was caring for that weren't hers, my father had just had a heart attack in the dream, he dies quickly after, I learn there's such a thing as magic after this and perform some on Cole for fun. Afterwards I accidentally set the building on fire and my mother gets trapped inside for me to watch her die again.
The whispers though are a waking nightmare, and even when they're not screaming in my head and clawing their way into all of my thoughts, I'm still getting frequent migraines. The whispers tried to convince me I had flies living in my brain and eating it slowly, the know my only fear is of flies, irrational fear, phobia. They're trying to make me sleep right now and I keep seeing crazy things like mountains of creatures like humans, but paler and without eyes, clawing their way into our world through hole in the sky, climbing on top of each other to get out, when I close my eyes, and these pyramids of flesh bound together with sinew and covered in always surveying, watching eyes... good news is, this new level of near insanity has inspired a bunch of shit for my horror role playing game in my home role playing group. I use my waking visions of my own personal hell to make it worse on my friends, I gave one a nightmare. Alright, I'm actually gonna say, "fuck it I'll put up with the nightmares" because my heart just stopped for a brief moment and it fucking hurt. Good night.
Will keep updated on the worst dream of each night that I sleep.