University of Nebraska Examines Cloning to Fill Vacant Head Football Coach Position
Lincoln, NE – Sources report University of Nebraska Athletic Director, Bill Moos, was seen gleefully singing and stumbling across campus early this morning, proclaiming he had found a solution to the recently vacated head football coaching position. The previous coach, Mike Riley, was terminated this week following a devastating 4-8 season. Media and fans have been speculating for several days now on possible replacements.
In an impromptu press conference held outside of a local Panera Bread shop, the disheveled Moos proclaimed “The fans have been screaming for blood, but I found something better, f***ing DNA bitch.” Moos went on to say that he had secured a sample of bone marrow from the beloved former head coach and Nebraska congressman, Tom Osborne.
Bill Moos discusses the cloning Tom Osborne
“It has all been turned over to some of our eggheads in the plant breeding department. They’re working closely with Monsanto to develop a 7ft, 280 lb version of a young Tom Osborne, possibly with laser vision, which could be used to incinerate referees after an unfavorable call."
This change of events comes only a few days after Moos had been seen drinking heavily and writing names down on a napkin at local Lincoln establishment, The Night Owl Pub. The allegedly inebriated Moos told one bar patron, “We’re like the girl everyone use to think was hot, but we got all bitchy and now we don’t have a date to the prom.”
Tommy 2.0
At this point it is uncertain if the clone, Tommy 2.0, will be property of the University or allowed to live as free man. The response from fans has been mixed, from ecstatic to confused. While Moos had previously stated that he had hoped to have the position filled prior to the early signing period beginning December 20th, the current state of cloning technology requires several weeks of incubation to produce a fully formed adult. The new target date for the unveiling of a functional Tommy 2.0 is February 23rd, Tom Osborne’s 81st birthday.
The original Dr. Tom Osborne lead the Husker Football program for 25 years from 1973 to 1998. During this time, he had a record of 255-49-03, with 13 conference wins and three national championships.