How to: do a TV news interview after being shot in a school shooting in 9 SIMPLE STEPS

Step 1. Make sure your hair, make up and clothes are all perfect.  Don't let those bullets get in the way of beauty.  This might be the only chance you have to be a star on TV, so make it count! 

Step 2. When the interview begins, make sure you look sad, but not too sad, because no one likes to look at ugly people, and most people look ugly when they are sad.  Smile, a little, and be polite. But don't smile too much, just a couple small smiles in the beginning of the interview will do nicely. 

Step 3. The newscasters won't ask you where you got shot because no one wants details.  Especially if you are under the age of 18, only knowing that you got shot without any further details about your injuries are enough information for the audience to build maximum sympathy for you. 

Step 4. Follow all the prompted questions from the newscasters.  The newscasters will know all the finer details of what happened to you, so follow their lead and don't worry if you forget what the gunman did or how you reacted, the newscasters will put you back on track.  If you forget your lines, I mean, your experience, it's ok, it's all written down somewhere so they will remind you.  

Step 5.  If you got shot in your upper body, like in your torso or your arms or even in your head, make sure all your bandages are not visible.  Remember, you want to look your best on TV and bandages are not in style.  You'll want to make sure you use your arms and body to explain yourself as much as possible, kind of like a big Italian Grandfather does when he explains how to make pasta.  If you waves your arms around to describe the scene the audience will feel like they are really there, in the moment with you and be totally distracted by your arms to consider that it hurts you a LOT to be moving them, you know, because you got shot.

Step 6.  If you got shot in your lower body, you must stand for the interview, you cannot sit in a chair.  This is your moment, toughen up and don't let that bullet slow you down.  No one gives interviews in chairs when they have the chance to be a star on the news. You have to stand so you look tall and to ensure that the bottom of the green screen, I mean grass, doesn't show.  

Step 7.  When you get asked to explain what happened, use hand gestures as much as possible.  In fact, pretend you are the shooter and point your to first finger and middle like a gun and make sound effects to encourage your audience to interact with your story.  Take your audience on a journey with you to the scariest time of your life where just hours before you were on deaths door with the use of dramatic language, wild hand and body movements and fully engaged facial expressions.  But don't be too dramatic, don't use the word blood, don't talk about how or where your best friend died and don't talk about where you were shot and how you managed to escape.  You want to be descriptive, but not disgusting. 

Step 8.  If you used any furniture, objects or people to shield yourself from gunfire, make sure you use the word 'deter'.  We want to audience to believe that hiding behind everyday objects can and might protect them from bullets.  Objects put between a gunman and a victim could, but most likely won't, protect them from being hit.  It's important you elude to the opportunity of protecting oneself with every day objects in this type of situation.  

Step 9.  Don't forget to tell the newscasters how horrible it was for your family and how you made sure you calmed them down while you were in the ambulance on the way to the hospital for treatment of your bullet wounds.  Especially if you are a 16 year old child, you'll want to make sure your parents don't over react and get worried.  Tell your audience that you reassured your parents so they didn't worry about you, so you look like a caring and respectful son or daughter. 

Step 10: If you find it difficult to remember steps 1-9, watch the video below to see how its done by an expert in the field. You can't go wrong by learning from the best.  She followed steps 1-9 perfectly, gained millions of views and even managed to induce spontaneous rushes of tears from her captivated audience.  Her steller performance catapulted her into the spotlight earning her plenty of tv gigs since on a wide variety of news channels.  She's likely to have a very successful future career with CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS or even potentially the democratic party.  You too can become an expert on gun reform by a single gun shot wound and have the right to shout out your demands to your government for the pain and suffering you experienced at the hands of a drugged up and angry fellow student.  It was all the governments fault that he decided to shoot up your school, don't let them forget it.