You should know that eating unhealthy food is better than starving

I was a horrible parent! Then I started seeing my kid never listen and always throw tantrums. During his 2 year check up, I asked his pediatrician for help. Told her that we aren't very good parents and we needed help. She sent us to a behavioral therapist, the therapist would come over and watch us interact with our toddler, watch us at grocery stores etc. Tuned out, we always said no and we had no follow through or just gave in. She taught us to follow the 3 warning rule. 1: stop this behavior or this is your consequences 2: this is your consequences and follow through She said you never make it to 3 because at the beginning THEY ALWAYS do it again to test you. Anyway, works wonders and I am glad to be raising (hopefully) a decent human. Side Note: I asked a lot of family and friends before going to a professional. Personally, I would just skip all that and just go to the professional.

Instead of taking things away as unrelated punishment, maybe having a consequence related to the action would help. "If you scream I'm taking away a toy" versus "We don't need to scream to talk, I will not respond to screaming" or "if you scream again I'll turn the show off until tonight after dinner because we can't hear it anyway when you scream"

Also, knowing these ground rules exist ahead of time help so it's not like "surprise! Do that again and it's over!" Also helps to make sure they actually understand the rule or expected norm. You know how kids say they know something but you ask them to explain but they go "uhhh... I don't know"?
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This is really interesting for me. Over the years I've stopped asking the questions that sound like 'do you know why...?' both with adults and with kids - I just skip the question and go straight to a reminder.

So for example, instead of saying "do you know why we shut the door?" I'll just go right ahead and say, "Remember, we have to keep the door closed because ... ".

When it's done this way it become a team thing of us both knowing what we need to do with the door and a shared responsibility, rather than a me vs you about the door thing.

That key question of 'Do you know why..." becomes an objective task that the receiver doesn't want to fail, so the door slips down in importance to this potential blow to pride and having to admit not knowing something. Usually there's a risk of the receiver having to feel stupid right before receiving the explanation - and the emotion of that prevents the lesson from going in.

It's kind of a challenge which the kid won't want to fail - so the default answer to protect their pride is a yes. If you don't follow through with a quizzing then they may carry on never knowing. I really think this happens with adults a lot as well.

For us, the answer is the key, the magic word if you will, to let them end the timeout.

I usually reply to "I don't know" with, "oh, I guess you need a little more time to think about it", when they inevitably they object to that, I'll explain to them that that is the point of the time out, for them to understand what it is they did wrong (I explicitly reexplain the thing), then tell them what they need to do to make amends (apologize for example), and explain to them what the alternative behaviour would be (eg: ask nicely instead of demanding, come to us if you need help, never hit your sister, etc).

They usually try to repeat that back again right away, and since the goal is for them to understand it rather than parrot what I've said, then (depending on age of the child and the situation) I'll say "very good, thats on the right track. Think about it and tell me when I'm back and when you do we can be done with this timeout". I usually give them about less than a minute alone and then get them to explain it to me.

The best thing about this approach is that it becomes clear what they mean when they say I don't know. Because they know another "I don't know" will mean just a repeat of what happened, and so instead will try to explain what they understood, and you can then correct that if it's wrong, and get them to repeat that in their own words to see if they've understood.

Ohh. I'm not a parent but I kinda do this with my dogs. Ill call their name and if they don't come/distracted/hear me I'll say "COME" just once. If they still don't come to me I go and grab them all the way to where I was standing. I set that expectation and it becomes automatic to them. If there's ever any danger I can get them away safely.

Other people ask how I got them to listen like that... then I see them plead "Fluffy sit! Sit. Siiiit. Sit. Sit! Sit SIT." And I'm like um you need to be the leader here not them. They'll still love you if you give them discipline, I promise.

Edit: I hold on to my dogs collar. Not drag or yank or tug. And she'll walk with me back to where I was standing. She's also a Malinois. That means I can't be aggressive with them but I have to be calm but direct because she can easily clear a fence for a squirrel if she wanted. She listens on first command now and has jobs to do so yall don't have to worry.

I give you a lot of credit in the amount of self-awareness and reflection it took in assessing your parenting. Asking for help and then actually following advice given to you also shows humility and willingness to change your own habits and behavior in accepting criticism. It’s refreshing to see this kind of effort nowadays, people are too quick to shift blame instead of asking themselves what they could be doing differently. With an example like that and with the changes you’ve made, your child will do just fine.

Definitely is. I was a kid once so I get it but damn it you cannot sneak another cookie and then lie to me about it! C'mon! Now I gotta take away something you like and watch you cry and be upset. I know its for the best and you have to learn but why didn't you listen!?! Oh that's right because you're a kid, damn it

kids are a malleable construct. If you tell them fifty times, they'll fuck up til the 49th time. Don't give them that margin for error. They need to know that the world isn't going to coddle them by giving them 49 times to figure it out. NOW, I'm not saying you should be an asshole, they have to know that you care, above all, but if they know that they get extra chances, they'd be stupid not to take them... know that.

Like the root post said, you have to state the consequences and follow through. The most important thing is that the follow through must be inevitable; there's no threatening with consequences, simply informing the child of consequences and then allowing them to choose the outcome.

If a child recognizes that the possibility of punishment is ever in question, then every issue becomes a test of wills and persistence to see if punishment will or won't happen at all. The only way to win that test of wills long-term is to remove your own will from the equation by making the consequences a simple fact that is in the child's power to suffer or avoid (instead of something you're having to take a stance on every time). Otherwise, it's simply a war of attrition against someone who has nothing else to worry about in life other than beating you.

Counter point: your job as a parent is to help your kid learn to navigate life, and for that you need them to fucking listen.

But when they're out in the world, they shouldn't just follow orders blindly. They need to develop autonomy, learn to challenge others and say no, establish limits.

Kids who get over trained on obedience end up being wrecks who are completely unable to stand up for themselves. Those who don't give up at the first sign of opposition have good chances of achieving their goals.

You need to take the personality of the kid in mind. Some people have a talent to weasel their way around social situations and get on people's good side. If that's her talent, then why suppress it? You can even make a career out of it (sellers, psychologists, social workers, police negotiators, politicians, marketing teams, to name a few, are all people who have to be good at maneuvering around others).

If she gets constantly in trouble, then yes it might be a problem, but nobody can help you without knowing the child in particular.

The key is not to force a behavior onto her (listen to everyone!), but rather to teach her WHY she should slow down. In the end you can't, and shouldn't try to, remove the kid's personality. You need to work with the kid, not on the kid. Passivity and friendliness might have worked for you, but maybe that's just not her thing. Rather focus on making sure she has a good heart and does things for the right reasons. How she does things is something she'll always be able to choose herself, and her autonomy here will only grow with age, so that's an uphill battle that you can only win while they're still very small.

What you tell your kid sometimes matters A LOT, and sometimes it falls on deaf ears. Generally, what you tell them when you're trying to educate them barely sticks. What you tell them when you're not trying to educate them is what will shape them forever. That's why leading with the example, and not losing control of yourself in front of the child, etc, is so important.

EDIT: Typo. Not losing control of yourself...

You should also know, it is developmentally appropriate for children to test limits and see what they can get away with. It's frustrating, but it's absolutely essential behavior for them toesrn how society and rules work. It also helps them to build their trust in you, which in turn shapes their ability to form attachments to friends, coworkers, significant others, etc.

Make sure that the consequences you set up for your kid are ones that you can live with. For example, if you're visiting with a friend, and your kid and friend's kid are bickering and you say "If you cannot get along, we will leave" you have to actually be prepared to leave. If you keep saying it, but not doing anything, the message they receive is "mom and dad don't actually mean what they say" If they receive this message over and over, eventually they will internalize it. They could take it as "my actions don't have consequences" or "rules don't matter" or even "if mom and dad don't mean what they say, I can't trust what they're saying"