I Hate That Kid in Florida!

Ponder (pon-der) - think about (something) carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion.

I've done a lot of pondering lately. Thinking about my role in this effed-up world, where school shootings, racism, bigotry, violence against women, hatred and fear are all plastered across headlines and spewed in my social feeds like cheap wallpaper that's bubbling and peeling at the seems.

I'm scared. A lot, in fact. Am I just getting older? Or, are we truly fucked as a society? I'm 37, by the way.

The latest school shooting in Florida has really affected me. I think about my 5-year-old. I think about what I would do if someone ever hurt her. That thought, alone, sends adrenaline through my chest, scorching my insides along the way, while my heartbeat steadies a new, faster beat that I find harder to slow down these days.

I hate that kid in Florida! I hate him so much! I None of those kids at that school deserved to be mowed down so violently. None of those kids deserved to be put in a box and buried before they had a chance to experience life.

But, even as I sit here with all this anger, fueled by fear and anxiety, I am not going to do anything. I am not going to join a nonprofit, begin protesting, run for office. Nope. I 'm going to mind my own business for as long as I can, or until this shit shows up on my front lawn. And, that feels shitty. But not too shitty that I can't just bury the feeling down deep until it's forgotten. At least until the next school shooting happens. Then, perhaps my rant will get longer. Maybe I won't write at all. Or, just maybe, I will jump up and take a stand. Become a voice for the small. Build a church. Give a dollar. Save a baby. Recycle. Spread the love. Hug a neighbor. blah blah blah.

That might happen. But I have no idea where to start. Do you?