Now or never

Its another day like this...no another month. Maybe a year? It feels like forever either way. Fuck it I give up. I wait trying my hardest to waste away life has no meaning for me anymore. Not like this...no so broken and disgustingly human. So I'll lay here in my filth among the rats till it all just stops. And lo and behold weeks later just as it all starts to fade to black he arrives. He always does. Just at the last minute before i can die he appears with that haunting look of pain in his eyes as he sees what ive done to myself. What I've become without him. It hurts him in a way I will never understand. I really hate causing him pain and yet I've already failed at everything whats this one last thing? Next thing I know I'm up in the shower as he washes the untold amount of filth from me. My clothes or the shreds that are left are peeled away and tossed in the trash useless to anyone now. Next thing I know the showers off and I'm the cleanest humam being on this planet. Before I have time to hate it I'm dressed in the finest suit I've ever seen. He picked it out for me and his eye is impeccable. It fits like a second skin and the comfort is immeasurable. I never even notice him dressing me until it's finished. He doesn't ask me when i ate last anymore now he just sets me at the table. Its usually three courses of something healthy yet delicious. He brings the spoon or fork to my mouth heaped with food and it seems to glide down my throat. With dinner over he holds up a mirror. I see myself how he sees me. Handsome, clean shaven, and well dressed. Then I blink and the reflection fades to how I see myself. Broken, flawed, weak, and human. Tears fill my eyes as he looks at me and the same question I always ask passes silently between us. "Not now...I love what you are and who you are. I dont want to change that" he says with a wry smile. It's always the same answer or a slight variation. I know this questions answer will probably never change. But this time I don't plan on letting him convince me to wait anymore. I refuse to let myself grow older and weaker as he stays the same. In the candlelight his face looks like perfect marble. His mouth chiseled into a dower frown. This time I cant see his eyes but I know I've made my point. He wants to know if I realize what im asking of him and what I'll lose. I tell him I do and I'm sure. Ive never been more sure of anything in my pitiful life. He tries to dissuade me one last time. But I refuse to hear it bringing a knife from the table to my throat. One last time I say now or never. Then I bring the blade across my throat as hard as possible. He could have stopped me. He's much faster and stronger then me. He could have even commanded me to stop and I would have to choice. But he doesn't he lets me open my neck from ear to ear. As I drop to the floor he catches me. The room fading from my sight being replaced with a comforting darkness. Just at the last second before I die, just like always he stops it and the last thing I hear is "I'm sorry...I can't lose you. Say goodbye to the sun". I smile as it all goes black.