Rejection.

So I guess I should use this for what it's for ...

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I discovered recently that I can't handle rejection. I can't handle it at all.

About ten years ago, at 22 years old, I broke up with somebody. Three years, and what I did was strange. She started talking and flirting with other guys, and naturally told me not to worry about it. So I told her that I have no business worrying about a single girl's flirtation. And, I meant it. Absolutely zero fight ... I'm either what you wanted or I want to disappear. And I do.

I don't know how many people are this way, but I do know you lose friends by talking to them about things that hurt like this. So, on to why I'm writing this now. I decided to try again ... just a little. I started talking to a girl I think is really cool and interesting, and it turned out she was also awkward and shy with generalized anxiety, and I was basically doomed. And so I asked if she'd like to go up to the mountains some time. It's not terribly strange, we both live on the side of mount Rainier. She said she's always down for that.

I wasn't even trying to date or anything. This was just the first time I had reached out to try to make a friend in a decade. And then ... she said she was going camping for a week. I asked after that if she wanted to hang out. And she eventually two weeks later sent me a message all about how bad her anxiety is and actually said "I want to thank you for how you are. You're probably the most intuitive person I've ever met, and you didn't give up on me." And I sent one back.

It's three months later now, and a couple times I sent messages. Then I thought about the fact that I'm sending them via Instagram ... Then I realized I don't know her at all, and she's probably annoyed with those couple messages she never bothered responding to at all. I realized that she has my number, and yet I do not have hers and she has never reached out in any way. And I realize now ... just, now. I realize that I'm the guy people have to be nice to because other people will be upset if you aren't.

Because I'm stupid. And I trick people by talking like I'm not. I ... really really am. I'm stupid and I'm crazy, and the things I talk about are better spoken to the endless void. Where I live.