Assassin 33 A.D. (film): This movie is hilariously bad

There is a particular type of person out there that is really going to appreciate this absolute mess of a film. Many, including me, call the genre "so bad, it's goo" and with Assassin 33 A.D. that is definitely what we got. The plot is crazy and it is very clearly a religious indoctrination / recruitment attempt and you discover this very early on.

I don't know what kind of budget they were dealing with but it was more than zero, probably not much more than that though.

So they claim it is a sci-fi film and to a certain extent it is because it involves time-travel. Some people figure out how to go back in time so what do they use this for? To attempt to interrupt the resurrection of Jesus Christ so that Christianity will never have existed. If that sounds nuts to you, trust me, it is

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This thing gets going right out of the gate with this really epic sounding music that would be more in line with some sort of Gladiator film than in a time-traveling religious movie. Honestly, this had me hooked and giggling right from the start because I know the people who made this film were taking themselves very seriously but in the first few minutes of the movie I was already laughing. This is not supposed to be a comedy but between the extremely terrible script, the exceptionally bad acting (how is it possible that there are people this bad at acting?), and the attempts at CGI that look like they were made for free by a community college, I found myself laughing from start to finish.

Normally I would turn a film off right away when it becomes clear that they are trying to be Christian recruiters of some sort but I couldn't stop watching because I wanted to see what sort of crazy shit they were going to do next.

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So basically we have these 3 scientists that have discovered how to travel in time and the financier of their project is at first in full support of what they have done with their brilliant minds. But as it turns out their boss who is named Ahmed is a Muslim and he wants nothing more than to use this time traveling to end Christianity at the source... the Resurrection. When we are presented with Ahmed there is no great mystery here. Between his accent and his friggin name you can tell that he is Muslim before he even mentions it.

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I'll give them this: They tried their best to turn Ahmed into a genuine bad guy but his lines and acting are just as bad as anyone else's and I found myself laughing over and over at just how terrible all of this was turning out to be.

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When we do finally travel back in time and are presented with ancient Jerusalem things get even funnier because of the fact that they clearly are filming on an indoor set with green screen because they didn't have enough money to shoot on location at, I guess some place in the desert.

They are constantly plugging for Christianity and it is pretty funny how they attempt to throw all sorts of promotion in there such as the line where one guy says to another guy "Use your bible app to read to me what happened when they captured Jesus" as if this sort of app is something that just everyone has on their phone like Google Maps or something.

They try to create a romance between two of the scientists, Amy and Ram, but since this is a Christian film there is not a lot of touching or sexy time at all because pure Christians would never do that. Instead we have some very awkward moments of kissing that most elementary school students have likely already surpassed.

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Ram tries to lean in for a very basic kiss at one point and Amy recoils in horror with a reaction that just screams "hey! We aren't married yet, we can't do that!"

Of course they encounter Jesus as well but I guess because they are scientists they already realize that they can't interfere with the crucifixion, lest they themselves eliminate the moment that is necessary for the New Testament to have its impact and for Christianity to begin.

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I went to church a bit when I was growing up but I dont' remember the name of the person that had to carry the cross for Jesus when he kept stumbling. I do know that it wasn't a black guy wearing modern day clothing and speaking English. This part of the film is never addressed about how nobody including the Roman guards seem at all fussed that a few of the people are wearing very different clothes and have things like wrist-watches and also at one point someone has a gun and uses it too.

Simon is the name of the African American and something hilarious about this character is that they were clearly looking to gain some sort of black acceptance with this role. I suppose some might find it offensive but "Simon" is a brilliant researcher but they made him speak in street slang most of the time and he just sounds like he wandered in straight from the hood rather than from a lab. I wonder if the producers were attempting to reach out to the type of people that talk like this is in a "hey, he's just like me!" sort of way.

No matter how you look at it though, it is just another reason why this movie is just wonderfully bad

Should I watch it?

That trailer is just as nuts as the movie is. They don't even know how to make a trailer, let alone a full movie. The music is way too loud in that to the point where you can't really even hear what the actors are saying but well, I suppose that is appropriate since most of what they are saying is just pure silliness.

I think that there are a lot of people out there that will find this wildly entertaining like I did. As it turns out they had a budget of $5 million to make this and it's just extraordinary that even with that sort of money that the special effects are just straight up awful.

For a deeply Christian person they might be able to take this seriously and enjoy it because well, they were always going to enjoy anything that is Christian. For the rest of us though, this is a hilarious and wild ride through one of craziest stories that I have ever seen on a screen. Me and my friends can't stop talking about this and dig up quotes to say to one another very often. I will likely watch it again to see how much more funny stuff I can find. Do NOT watch this film expecting it to be good in the way the film-makers intended because it is not. Watch it because it is one of those rare films like The Room that are unintentionally hilarious.

_{Tubi and Roku (whatever those are) have this film as part of their streaming library. It is not on Netflix, Amazon, AppleTV, or Hulu... good luck!}